Hell or High Water
by TwoChase
Summary: Alex comes back from WPP hoping everything will be the same as when she left. When things go different, and Alex's life spirals will she be able to let someone new into her life? Or will she push her away? AC pairing.
1. Chapter 1

Ch 1.

Alex's POV

The day I came back from Witness Protection I wanted everything to be the same as it was when I left. To have my girlfriend Olivia by my side, my friends, my family. Three years changed everything.

My father passed when I was in law school. I was close to him, and missed him greatly. That left just me and my mother; who had died believing she outlived her only child. I wished I could go back and tell her I was okay, and I hadn't died.

All I had left was Olivia. She didn't know that I was back yet. It had already been a week I was trying to get my life back on track. I was trying to be Alex Cabot again. It wasn't easy though. I was so use to being someone I wasn't.

I walked up the apartment steps. Olivia's apartment building. I remembered the last time I was here. That night had been perfect. We went out to dinner, then came here for drinks. Then spent the whole night making love. It was a night I reflected on often when I was in witness protection, and had to pretend I liked men and sleeping with them. I had only pretended to like men because I couldn't sleep with another woman without feeling like I was betraying Olivia.

When I came back to testify against Liam Connors Olivia still held me and loved me even after I had told her I slept with a man. She kept reminding me that everything was going to be okay. I thought maybe if I could stay in that moment everything would be okay. Then the next day after court the Marshal's took me away. I didn't even say goodbye, they wouldn't let me. I cried for weeks after that.

Now, here I am. Standing outside her apartment door. I knock on the door three times. I try to pretend that it's like it was before, and Olivia asked me over after a long case for a glass of wine.

There was no answer for a minute. I let out a breath and then turned to walk away.

"Alex?"

I look up and there she is. Her hair is to her shoulders now. I liked it short, but maybe I could get use to long haired Olivia.

Her eyes are sparkling against the dim hall light. I can see the tears threatening to break.

She invites me into the apartment. It still looks the same as it did. Just like it probably has since Olivia moved here. I doubt there's any food in the fridge except a week old chinese take out box or pizza. She offers me a glass of wine. I accept it. She still keeps the wine in the same cabinet next to the window above the sink.

I watch her shirt reveal the skin on the small of her back as she reaches for the bottle on the top shelf. I want to touch her soft skin so badly. My eyes wander down to her slack covered behind.

I'm brought out of my trance when Olivia says my name.

"red or white?" she asks me.

Crap. I really hope she didn't catch me checking her out.

"white is fine."

She pours the two glasses of wine, then we got and sit on the couch. So many nights we had spent on this couch talking, and kissing, and cuddling. I wanted that with her again.

"how've you been?" I asked her.

She took a breath.

"I've been better. How are you?" she asked then taking a sip of her wine.

"moving in getting back to things."

Olivia and I just kept looking in each others eyes. Just like we use to. Slowly we're inching closer together. My knees touches hers.

"I missed you." she whispers.

Our faces get closer.

"I missed you too." I whisper back.

Her lips were everything I had remembered, soft and delicate, hesitant but persistent. I wrapped my arms around her neck as she hugs my waist and pulls me closer to her. I open my mouth allowing her tongue in. A noise escapes my lips.

After a while she picks me up. I wrap my legs around her waist and she carries me to her bedroom. She lays me down on the bed gently never disturbing our lips.

I start undoing her shirt, as she works at my shirt. The first few buttons from the bottom led me to her soft stomach, she shivered feeling my cold fingers on her soft warm skin. A moan escaping her mouth and into mine. I worked the rest of the buttons and felt her soft skin, the tops of her breast came to view, extracting a moan from me at being so close to having the woman I had dreamed of and missed for so many restless nights.

I thrust my hips upward finding only slight pressure. I kissed her as if I had never left. As if we had had those three years together.

"I've been dreaming of this for three years." I whisper into her ears.

"me too." she whispers.

She kisses behind my ear.

This is perfect and everything I had missed.

I pushed her shirt off leaving her in her bra. I then noticed I was only in my bra as well. She flicked the clasp and my red lace bra fell to the floor. I was going for her pants when she laid me down again kissed first one then the other nipple. There was a look in her big brown eyes, as if she'd been waiting her whole life for this moment. Holding my breasts in her hands tenderly massaging them both, gently squeezing. My nipples had been waiting patiently for their turn, well they were standing at attention to be exact. She took one into her mouth and bit while instantly pinching the other.

When she pulled away to stand up I felt cold and empty. She wiggled out of her pants and panties. Then released her bra revealing her breast. Her curves we all the same as they had been before. I took in my fill of everything. Her hips, her lips, her breasts, her sex. I wanted… no needed her. Arousal pooled up in between my thighs. I could tell from the dim light so had Olivia's.

She came towards me and helped me out of my pants and underwear. Then laid on top of me resting her knee between my legs. We both let out a moan knowing this is where we were meant to be.

She moved her right hand from where it had found its place on my breast and started moving it towards where I needed it.

Carefully and slowly she pushed one finger inside. I moaned her name. She moaned a return loving the sound of her name trailing down my lips.

"say it again." she whispered.

I was looked into her brown eyes for a moment. I felt another finger enter me.

"oh Liv." I moaned again.

She started a rhythm. Her fingers dancing inside of me. Our bodies moving together harder, faster. I had missed the way she felt inside me. How full she made me feel. I could feel my center start to pulse and clench around her. Pulling her fingers further inside me. I needed.

"more, Liv more please." I begged for release.

"where?" she asked close to my ear.

"my clit, Liv please." I moaned.

She did just that sending me into complete ecstasy. She made me cum harder than I had in three years. I thought I would never let her fingers leave me. Her fingers managed to keep moving inside me and I felt my body react to her. Grinding down on her hand.

Our whole night was just like that last night we had spent in this bed making love. We didn't sleep. We just kept on showing each other how much we missed each other. It's safe to say we missed each other a lot.


	2. Chapter 2

Ch 2.

Alex POV

It had been a month since I had returned to life as Alex Cabot. Today was my first day back at my job. I was nervous to say the least. I wondered if I was doing the right thing by going back to the job that got me placed in witness protection in the first place.

Being an prosecutor was all I ever wanted to do. I hated the last three years wasting my life away when I could be convicting rapists, but today was the day I got back to where I was.

I had only met the ADA who had taken my place in SVU once. She was nice. I wasn't exactly nice to her, but she said she understood. I didn't know what had happened to her, but she didn't work with SVU. They did have someone working after her for a while, but she left back to Washington DC. So the position for SVU ADA was open, and all mine.

I was in my new office. It was different than my old office, but I didn't mind it much.

That night Olivia asked me over dinner how my first day was. I was really tired and sad from the day. Everyone was surprised I was back, they offered warm welcomes, but they just made me feel worse for some reason. During my lunch break I locked the door to my office and just cried. I was scared that the next case SVU would call me for would be my last case, or maybe the next time I walked outside someone who wasn't on the radar would recognize me and actually kill me.

"fine." I lied to her taking a bite of my salad.

"you should come down and see everyone. Elliot wants to see you." she said.

"yeah. I'll have to."

I didn't really want to go see all the other detectives.

"Alex, is everything okay?"

"I'm not feeling too good. Maybe I should go home."

"let me drive you."

"no Liv it's fine." I said getting up.

I didn't call Olivia the next day. She texted me that she wanted to have lunch. I never responded. I just wanted to be alone, and I hoped that I wouldn't get called down to the precinct. I finished my work early and left early.

I had no idea what was happening to me. Everything was back to how it was, why was I feeling so low? Working my way through a bottle of wine made me feel slightly better.

For the next week that was my life. This downward spiral. We had a case, so I didn't see Olivia much outside of work. Leaving me to be alone with my thoughts, proving to be the worst thing ever.

The next day, Olivia came to my office at the end of the day.

"hey." she said with a smile.

"hey." I responded.

She came around my desk and gave me a kiss.

"I missed you." she said.

"I missed you too."

She offered to buy me dinner, but all I really wanted was a drink. She ordered dinner, and I ordered a drink.

"are you sure you're not hungry?" Olivia asked.

"no I had a big lunch." I took the last gulp of my drink then ordered another.

"is it this case? I told the guys to make it easy on you and-"

"no, no the case is fine. I'm just thirsty."

"Alex that's your last drink." she said.

Was she really my mother? I'm an adult, I'll drink if I want.

She had a shocked look on her face. Crap. I had said that out loud. She took my glass away from me after that.

"Baby what's going on? This isn't like you. Are you sure you're okay?"

"yes Liv. I'm fine. God. I can't have a few drinks once and a while?"

"no you can drink. It's just you're not yourself. I'm starting to get worried."

"Liv I'm perfectly fine. Promise."

I loved Olivia more than anything, but I wasn't sure what I wanted anymore, and as the months went by Olivia and I continued on this up and down cycle. Well it was more me than her. The only thing that seemed to help me forget things now was drinking, and when I woke up the next morning I'd remember them again. I could tell it was starting to take a toll on Olivia. I had only been back 3 months and we were arguing more and more everyday. It was aways about stupid things, like what to have for dinner, or if we should even have dinner.

"I don't wanna go out. I have a headache." I said to Olivia.

"Alex this is the fourth time this week you've said that."

"I've had a bad week Olivia. Would you just let it go?"

"No I'm not just going to let it go. Something is wrong. You're not the same. You never want to go out anymore, you barely talk to me. What's going on Alex? Talk to me." Olivia begged me.

I started crying.

"I don't want to talk about it."

"I can't keep doing this back and forth with you Alex. This whole one minute you love me and the next it's like you're not even here. Do you even wanna be with me anymore?"

"I do but-"

"but what?"

I shook my head not wanting to say anything. I wanted to be with Olivia, but it wasn't the same like how I wanted it to be.

"maybe thing would be better off if we weren't together."

"Olivia don't say that." I said to her.

"it just seems like you don't want to be with me, and I can't keep doing this. I can't be the only one in this relationship."

"I'm sorry Olivia."

"I'm sorry I wasted my time." she walked out.

I stayed there on my couch crying. What had I done? I just let the woman I love walk out on me. I barely put up a fight. Maybe her walking out on me what what I deserved, maybe that's why I didn't put up a fight.


	3. Chapter 3

Ch 3.

Casey POV

Censure was far from a vacation. Six months and I could swear I was going nuts. I was disappointed in myself no doubt about that. Eventually I wiped through my savings and I had to move in with my less than happy mother. She reminded me every day of the mistake I made, and how she wasted money on law school just for me to screw it up. I knew if my dad had been around she wouldn't have said half of what she did. Though I couldn't help but feel I let him down as well. That's all I was. Casey Novak the let down.

I never talked to anyone from the DA's office, or the precinct. I couldn't help but feel like an outsider now. Last I heard Alex Cabot was back from witness protection and had taken over. Good for her. She was probably better than I was. After a month of my mother's constant yelling about my lack of employment I finally landed a job substitute teaching at an elementary school. The pay sucked and I had to wake up a 6:30 every morning, but it was better than hearing my mother whine about never doing anything and "wasting my life feeling sorry for a stupid mistake I made". All my money went towards paying for gas for my car, and the rest to helping my mother pay bills.

I didn't try to date anyone. I couldn't especially living with my uptight old fashioned Catholic mother who was strictly against homosexuality. I never told her I was gay for fear of letting her down even more. I kept it to myself. The only people who knew were ex girlfriends, and Olivia Benson only because she saw me crying after I'd been dumped, and I told her what had happened.

"you need to find a nice man." my mother would say randomly

"I'm not having this discussion." I blew her off.

"well you can't live here forever Casey."

"you act like I want to be here I don't have a choice."

"you did have a choice. You just couldn't let that case go could you. You say you just wanted to help. Well are you happy? You helped and your here. Just added to the disappointments in my life. You're just like your father."

Better than being like her I guess.

My mother and I use to be so close. Then after I graduated law school something happen, and I could never figure out what. She just became bitter, and I could never figure out why. Right now I just really wish my dad was here to tell me things were okay. Even if it wasn't true it'd be nice to hear.

Everyday for the next two years feels the same. During the summers I worked as a waitress, during the school years I'd substitute. I just move with the days, and hope soon I'll get my law license back, and be able to restart my life. If not in New York maybe somewhere else. I just wanted my life back was all.

The day that I was informed my censure was over I screamed. I took it upon myself and called McCoy. He was reluctant to set up a meeting about me resuming my work at the DA's office, but agreed. McCoy had hated me since day one, and my reputation of breaking the rules never sat well with him, or anyone for that matter.

Driving to the city on an early Monday morning excited and scared me all at the same time. I wanted my job back, but I was scared of peoples reaction if they saw me walking around. I was also scared of being shot down for the job completely. McCoy would do something that cruel. Call me all the way to the city just to turn me down and watch me squirm. Three times I thought about turning the car around and forgetting about the Manhattan DA's office, and just work for a small firm. No! I couldn't do that. I Casey Novak am a lot of things, but a giver upper is not one of them. I refuse to let people like McCoy and my mother get to me. I'm gonna walk into the DA's office like I never left, ask for my job back, and not take no for an answer.

Easier said than done. I've been standing across the street for a good ten minutes too scared to go in. A million people seem to be going in and coming out of the building. I watch them. It's any other Monday to them, they're going about their business unaware of the mess my life is. As I'm watching all the people a long wave of bright blonde hair comes into view. She looks so confident and ready to face the day. I wish I could be her. Honestly if I'd seen her any other place I might think she were a model, but the red bag similar to the one I use to carry to work gives her away as an attorney.

Finally I suck it up, and imagine it's just another day for me going to work at the DA's office. Walking across the lobby I try to keep my eyes at the elevator to avoid eye contact with anyone.

My hands shook the whole ride up to McCoy's office. His secretary saw me and ushered me into his office.

"Casey please sit." McCoy said.

My palms were all sweaty.

Breathe Casey everything's gonna be fine.

He spent the next 15 minutes telling me of my mistakes for the billionth time, and how his office doesn't put up with such things, and he will not stand for having someone around who risks tainting his precious reputation.

"-but…" he started.

Oh god. But what?

"I've known you for many years Casey. Since you started working here. You're an acceptional prosecutor, and you do fairly well. I'm willing to give you a second chance…"

Was I dreaming?

"but…"

Crap. There's always a catch.

McCoy then tells me he's going to have me assisting another prosecutor on cases, until he feels I've earned his trust back.

Great I'm gonna get my job back be humiliated by everyone staring and gossiping which I know they will, but on top of that I'm going to be someone's 'special project'. I'm an adult I can take care of myself.

So the next six months I'll be second chair bitch to someone else. All while they give weekly reports on any of mess ups I make to McCoy. Honestly I don't know what's worse this, or not having my job back at all.

I caught the elevator by myself. Thankfully. The elevator moves, and I pray it doesn't stop, but on the 4th floor surely enough it stops. I try to sink into the metal as I stare at my shoes. When the doors shut the scent of raspberries fills my nose. Looking up, I see the long wave of blonde hair again, and that red bag. It's the woman I saw outside. I don't say anything and she can't see me looking at her thankfully. Up close she looks even more beautiful, and I'm more than likely drooling. I just wish I could swim in her hair it's so looks familiar, but I can't place her. I get a glimpse of her face in the elevator door reflection, but it's slightly blurred, and if I try too hard to looks she'll think I'm weird. The doors open and she rushes out then outside. She was so beautiful, so perfect.

Who was I kidding. No one that beautiful would ever go for a failure like me. More than that she's probably got a boyfriend who showers her in diamonds, and shiney new cars. I can only dream of having someone that beautiful even giving me a second look.


	4. Chapter 4

Ch. 4

**Author's Note: Hey guys. I'm getting great reviews for this story. Keep em coming they're encouraging me to continue the story :D This is kind of a short chapter just showing where Alex is three years after her break up with Liv. I'm on break now so I'll be uploading chapters like a crazy person. 3 **

Alex's POV

I've been out of witness protection for three years. Nothing is the same. I don't even feel like Alex Cabot anymore. I feel like I'm still pretending to be Emily, or Maria, or whoever. I'm just not Alex Cabot anymore. I barely answer to my own name even. I hesitate to sign my name on legal papers because I feel like a liar.

Every time I get called down to the precinct I cringe. Olivia can't even look at me I'm so horrible. She just shakes her head and walks away. Most of my talking is with Elliot or Fin or Cragen. I can't even remember the last time we said anything to each other after the break up.

Monday morning I haven't even been sitting at my desk ten minutes and I get a call. They need me down at the precinct. Lately I've been getting so irritated with this job. Everyday for one reason or another I have to pull those detectives out of hot water, or fix a screw up of there's. I'm a prosecutor not a damn babysitter. They should be able to do their jobs without my needing to fix every single thing.

I run out of my office and press the elevator button a million times. I have no patience today. The elevator doors open up and I go inside. There's another woman a red head who's busy staring at the floor. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Four hours later I finally finished fixing the detective messes, and I head back to my office. The secretary hands me a note from McCoy asking me to see him immediately. I crumble up the paper and get back on the elevator.

"you've got to be joking. I can't be a supervisor. I've already got work up to my neck." I tell McCoy.

He wants me to be a supervisor for a returning ADA. Apparently she'd been censured.

"Alex you don't have a choice. I chose you because you're amazing at what you do. I also chose you because lately your work has been lacking the passion you once had. You use to be Alex Cabot the unstoppable. Look, you need something to get your mind off what ever's been bothering you lately. This will do you good."

I'm already cleaning up after the detectives on a daily basis, now my ass is on the line for some careless ADA who's been on censure for three years.

After the long day I head home to my empty lonely apartment. I kick my shoes off in the front hall, then toss my bag on the kitchen table. I consider ordering Chinese, but discard the idea. The refrigerator is empty except a carton of orange juice, a water bottle, and one other bottle. A bottle of wine. I hadn't had a drink in a week. I promised myself I wouldn't, and that bottle was for guests. Who was I kidding the last guest I had here was my cousin, and that was over a year ago when she was passing through the city and needed a place to sleep.

Today was stressful, and long, and I was tired. A little wine wouldn't hurt. Right? Just a sip to take the edge off. I had done away with all my wine glasses so I had to pour the drink into a coffee mug.

I started thinking of the person I'd be supervising. Censure was no walk in the park. Three years and McCoy was hiring them back that's a miracle, but having a supervisor is just down right humiliating.

"to you whoever got the shit deal of being supervised by me." I make a toast holding up my mug.

I take a sip of the dark red liquid and feel guilty instantly, but out of habit I'm pouring more wine in.

"and may all your wishes come true." I softly say before taking another sip.


	5. Chapter 5

Ch 5

Casey's POV

After I got my job back. I went to my mother's house got online and started apartment searching. I had just enough money for a deposit and first months rent. Then maybe enough to make it until my first paycheck.

I found the first one that was closest to my price range. It was nowhere near where I use to live a comfortable four blocks from the DA's office. Instead it was over 2 miles from there, and in a crappy neighborhood, but it was the closest I could find that was in my price range. At this point anything seemed better than living with my mother.

"what are you doing?" she asked walking by the couch looking at my laptop.

"nothing mom." I shut my computer.

She rips it from my grasp.

"apartment hunting. Casey you can't afford any of these places."

"yes I can." I take the computer from her hands.

"what brought this on?" she asks.

"I got my law license back." I tell her.

I hope she'll be happy for me. I smile brightly so proud of myself.

"and?" she asks.

"and I got my job back at the DA's office. Isn't that great?"

"oh. Well don't screw it up this time. Once you're gone out of this house you are not coming back. You hear me?"

I really want to break down and start crying and ask my mother why I'm never good enough for her.

"yes ma'am." I say instead.

The next day I drove into the city to see the apartment. It wasn't as horrible as I thought it would be, but it wasn't my old place on the upper west side either. I put down the deposit and first months rent knowing I wouldn't have much luck getting any other place right now. The land lady gave me the keys and I could move in whenever. The apartment had a small kitchen and living area enough for a couch and chair maybe, then my small tv. The bedroom would just fit my queen size bed, there was also a small closet and a bathroom.

That weekend I got what little I had in storage, and with the help of my mother's neighbor who had a truck I moved all my stuff in on Saturday.

My apartment was pretty bare except the few pieces of crappy furniture, and a small tv that use to be in my bedroom, but since I sold my old tv it now sits on top of an ugly plastic bin in my living room.

At least I wouldn't be expecting guests ever.

Monday morning I had to be to the office by 9 am. McCoy would assign me to my supervisor.

"Casey I'm assigning you to ADA Cabot. Think you can handle that?"

"what?" I ask in disbelief.

I always felt like I could never fill the shoes Alex Cabot left behind at SVU when she left, and because of her death or what we thought was her death the detectives always had trouble fully accepting me. I didn't want to be in her shadow again.

"sir, I'm perfectly fine with just plain old homicide, or I'll even go back to white collar if that's better?" I offer.

"nope. I've made my decision. Just don't mess this up Casey. This is your last chance."

I'm not happy Alex Cabot will be my supervisor. Not that I don't like her. Hell I barely even know her aside from what I've hear about her. I just know that she's a hard act to follow, and the fact that she's actually here and will be overseeing what I'm doing just makes it that much more difficult.

I get my own office at least. The view sucks and it's small like the one I had when I first started at the DA's office, and it's across the hall from Alex Cabot's office. She hasn't arrived yet, so I slip out and go down the street to get coffee. I pick up and extra one for Alex, I figure it will be the best way to drop the news to her that I'm who she'll be supervising. People have started to show up to work so I get plenty of weird looks going to the elevator.

Alex isn't in her office yet, but the door is open. I walk in and decide to wait for her.

I sit down on the couch placing the coffee on the table in front of me. I look around the nice office. I use to have a lot of pictures in my office. Her office seems to be lacking any sort of decoration. Then I looked to the right of me. Something catches my eye sitting on the floor next to her desk is a red bag. The red bag the blonde in the elevator had. Alex Cabot was the blonde in the elevator. I remember when I met her during Liam Connor's trial. I thought she was beautiful, but not the same way as when I saw her in the elevator. I could not in any way be attracted to my supervisor.

"can I help you?" I hear a voice ask.

It's her. She looks even more beautiful than she had in the elevator.

"hi- um- oh Alex- Umm Cabot- you're uh- you're Alex Cabot- Ms.- Madam Cabot- oh umm. Hello."

Nice job Casey. I'm not just tripping over my words I'm literally just throwing them out as they come in my head.

"hello." I say again.

She looks at me confused, and also a little irritated. Great she hates me.

"can I help you?" she asks again.

"I'm Casey Novak. You're my supervisor." I hold my hand out.

"oh right. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. Nice to meet you. Again." she shakes my hand.

Her hands are so warm and soft. How I'd just love to have those hands on my- No! I can't think about her like that. I've been holding her hand a little longer than I should. I let go quickly.

"I umm brought you coffee." I hand the cup to her.

"oh thank you." she offers a friendly smile.

She fills me in on her current case then leaves me with some paper work to do while she's at arraignment.

I don't know how long I can go without staring at her. She looks perfect. Thinking about her makes it hard to breathe.

Calm down Casey, maybe you're just over reacting and she isn't as beautiful as you thought. Maybe she's just having a good hair day or something. Do not in anyway over react. She's just a colleague. With the most beautiful blonde hair you've ever seen- No! Do not think about her hair, or her hands, or her bright smile, or her perfect body and the way her hips sway as she's walking- damn it. I should not be this attracted to her. I barely know her. Maybe she's actually a huge bitch. Like when she made that comment when we were prepping for the Connor's trial. Maybe she's really like that. Oh, but she's still so beautiful.

I still have yet to get any work done because I'm too busy thinking about Alex Cabot. I need to think about something other than her.

"Casey did you finish those papers?"

So much for not thinking about Alex. Here she is in the flesh.

"no, but ten more minutes and I'll have you- umm have them to you."

"alright." she smiles and goes back to her office.

If I could just tape my mouth shut for the rest of my life that would save me from the amount of trouble I'm going to get myself in. I can't even speak correctly around her how the hell am I going to be able to do my job and not get fired.

When I finally finish my work. I look up. I see Alex sitting at her desk working on something. She's wearing glasses. She looks stunning in those glasses. So professional. Maybe the view isn't bad after all. Much better than looking over Central Park.

"Casey."

She makes my name sound amazing.

"Casey." she calls out again.

I get up and go to her office.

"yes?"

"the papers. I need to check them over."

"yeah sorry."

I got back to my office and get the papers.

"thank you."

Her voice makes everything sound like a poem, and probably puts singing angels to shame with how pure and lovely it is. How the hell I'm going to get through these next six months I have no idea. Alex Cabot will be the death of me.


	6. Chapter 6

Ch. 6

Alex's POV

Monday morning's are my least favorite. As usual I'm taking extra time on my outfit, hair, and eating breakfast. Then proceed to take the long way to work. I get to my office and toss my bag next to my desk, then go to the copy room. After fifteen minutes of wrestling with the stupid machine and kicking it repeatedly to get it to work I give up and go back to my office. Not even an hour into the day and I already want it to end. I'm also lacking caffeine right now so it's more bothersome than normal. I walk into my office and there's a red haired woman sitting on my couch. I wasn't expecting anyone as far as I could remember.

I make my presence known and she immediately gets up. She looks at me with wide eyes as if she's seeing a ghost or something.

"hi- um- oh Alex- Umm Cabot- you're uh- you're Alex Cabot- Ms.- Madam Cabot- oh umm. Hello." she rambles.

Madam Cabot?

Her voice is lovely and deep a bit shaky though she's probably unaware of anything she's saying. She looks so nervous.

"I'm Casey Novak. You're my supervisor." she holds her hand out.

Shit, I completely forgot she was coming today. Casey right. I thought I recognized the red hair. It's much longer now compared to when I first met her. Wait. She was who I was supervising. I mean it's better than some cocky self righteous ADA who would give me trouble, but why did she need a supervisor? I mean I did say what I said to her when I worked with her on my testimony for the Connor's trial, but she wasn't a bad prosecutor. She was actually really great in my opinion.

"oh right. I'm so sorry. I completely forgot. Nice to meet you. Again." I shake her hand.

Her hand's shaking slightly. I feel bad at how nervous she is. I keep a hold on her hand almost trying to reassure her that she shouldn't be nervous. She lets go quickly after a while. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea.

She hands me a coffee cup. She brought me a coffee. I thank her and give her a smile. She actually may have just made my day. Maybe being a supervisor wont be so horrible after all.

It's Friday finally, and the end of my first week as a supervisor. Being Casey's supervisor isn't bad at all. She does all her work in a timely manner and does it right the first time. I give her a glowing report wit McCoy who seems less than convinced Casey is capable of doing the job on her own.

"good morning." Casey comes into my office like she has the past mornings.

"good morning."

She places a cup of coffee on my desk.

"I got you a caramel latte. That's what you like right? If not I got umm french vanilla. You can have that if you want or I could go get you something else." she says.

"no caramel is fine. Thank you Casey." I look up.

She always looks so nervous. I wish she weren't it makes me nervous.

"are you feeling okay?" I question.

"yes ma'am." she utters.

"do you need me to do anything while you're at your lunch today?"

"actually I cancelled my lunch we need to do some prepping for the Montgomery trial on Monday."

"we?"

"of course we Casey you've been helping me with this trial all week. If you have other lunch plans I'm sure we can work something out."

"nope. I'm free anytime for you." she assures me.

"I mean for the trial… to prep for the trial." she adds nervously.

"it's okay Casey you'll do fine." I try to assure her.

I worry about Casey she's always so nervous. I buy us lunch and try to ease her nerves a little. It seems to be working. Now I can see how she really works as a prosecutor. She's very take charge, and has good ideas about how to approach the witness' and the defendant. If we win this case it will be her doing. I've just been so off my game, Casey was just what I needed.

We have finished around 7. I would've been happy if it were any other day of the week other than Friday. The past few Fridays I've promised to myself that I wont drink, and it always fails. I never feel happy anymore, and work can only distract me for so long, but today I don't feel so stressed. It's also been a few days since I've had to go clean up one of the detective's messes, or see Olivia. I actually haven't thought about Olivia much this week, that's probably it.

Monday comes along the trial is at 8:30 so I go straight to the courthouse. Casey is sitting there with two coffee's.

Sometimes I wish she weren't so nice to me I don't think I deserve it at all.

"good morning." she says to me handing me the coffee.

"good morning. Thank you for the coffee"

"d- did you have a nice weekend?" she asks.

"actually yes. Did you?" I answer.

"umm yeah I guess. Nothing special. Just a normal weekend you know."

At noon we have a lunch break from the trial. I'm so stressed out as I usually am during a trial. I'm busy going over me and Casey's notes. I was suppose to go over them with Casey, but she seemed to disappear as soon as the judge called the recess. The lunch break ends and I go back into the court room. We still have two minutes until we resume and Casey still isn't back. I'm getting a little anxious she's suppose to be here. I hope she remembered the time. Just as we're about to start up she sits down.

"where were you? We were suppose to go over notes." I say through my teeth.

"oh sorry." she didn't even look at me.

The trial continued on for a few hours, and was starting to take a bad turn even with Casey's help when the defense brought new evidence to show that the complaining victim was lying possibly.

After the trial I was called down to the precinct. Another case on top of my already full case load. Yes and more things to fix. This time it was Olivia's doing.

"Olivia what the hell is your problem? You can't go into someones house without a warrant he wasn't even home. This will never hold up in court."

"I was in his backyard shed not his house."

"it's still his property."

"the door was open."

"after you used hedge clippers to force the lock open. That's breaking and entering."

We kept on arguing. She was convinced she was trying to help the case, but she was actually doing the opposite.

"if you can't do your job correctly I suggest you find another detective who can do it for you." I walked out of the squad room absolutely pissed.

Because of the trial I had to go back to my office and go over how to get things back on track. Now I was completely stressed and getting a migraine. Casey was trying to explain a new approach to me when I stood up.

"Casey stop talking for just one second." I told her.

I was pacing trying to will the headache away.

"do you need anything?" she asks.

"no- where were you today during lunch?" I start feeling angry.

"I was-" I don't let her answer.

"I told you were we suppose to go over notes. Your notes Casey. I had no idea what I was even reading. Do you know how to write a complete sentence? I went in there completely blind because you had to go do something that's clearly more important that your job. I mean do you even want to be here?"

She looked scared and taken a back.

"Alex I- I-" she stutters.

"would you stop babbling like an idiot and form a sentence for once in your life."

"I'm sorry." she apologized looking at the floor.

I feel like a huge bitch. Did I need Casey to go over notes? Yes, but it wasn't the end of the world if she wasn't there. The defense just brought up some evidence I was unaware of, and made me to look like an idiot. I was taking all my anger towards Olivia and the trial out on her.

"just go home." I tell her.

She picks up her bag and coat and leave the office quickly and without a goodbye. She always says goodbye to me, and I don't blame her for not doing so.

Great job Alex you've really done it this time. I wouldn't be surprised if she asks McCoy for a new supervisor at this point.

I stay another hour trying to work, but the headache and guilt of how I treated Casey over come me too much. I leave work and start to drive home. I pull to a stop light and I see the liquor store. The one I use to go to all the time on my way home from work. The blinking lights willing costumers to go inside, and the ads for wine and beer pierce my eyes. I hear a car horn the light's turned green. I pull over. I know I shouldn't go in, but I do.

All of my stress free weekend was just too good to be true. I knew it was. I was just waiting for my downfall from it and here it was. I hated Olivia, I hated this trial, that stupid defense attorney, but I hated myself the most. I don't even bother with a glass at this point.

I wake up the next morning with the same pounding headache. I feel like I'm dead. I want so badly to call in sick, but I can't in the middle of a trial. I get dressed down a few tylenol and leave. My morning only gets worse. I am late to court getting a warning from the judge. Casey was early though and sits in the second chair. I have a hard time focusing on what's going on I start to fade out.

"...Ms. Cabot your witness." I hear faintly.

"Alex." Casey nudges my arm.

I get up and start questioning the witness. I'm barely comprehending anything she's saying though. I ask her to repeat somethings because I can't focus on anything but the pounding in my head. Luckily the trial ends for the day at lunch time.

I get back to the DA's office. Casey comes into my office.

"do you need me to do anything?" she asks coldly.

Now that I look at her she doesn't look any better than I do. I feel horrible for how I treated her.

"no, no." I say softly.

She turns to walk out.

"Casey." I stop her.

"yes?"

"I- I'm sorry for how I treated you yesterday."

I Alex Cabot just apologized. What? I rarely apologize to anyone like this because I hate admitting I'm wrong.

"no Alex I get it. I wasn't where I was suppose to be. It's okay. I deserved it. You're right." she says.

"no I wasn't. It wasn't that big of a deal that you weren't there. I was ill prepared. I didn't know they'd have the evidence. I had a bad day. I took it out on you. I am sorry. If you want a new supervisor I understand we could work something out with McCoy."

"Alex I don't want anyone else. I want you." she says softly.

"as- as- as my supervisor. I get it we all have bad days. I deserved it. You needed me to explain the notes I wasn't there and I let you down. I'm-"

"Casey don't apologize. It was my case I should've known."

"I know but I'm still sorry my notes weren't clear I'll do better next time." she says.

"okay. Can we please just move past this, and win this trial?" I ask her.

"okay." she sits down.

"you know if you want to talk about something I'm here. I know sometimes all you need is someone to listen. Getting angry doesn't get anyone anywhere, it just makes things worse." she explains.

I look her in the eye and wonder how someone can be so nice to someone they barely know and treated them like complete crap because they had a bad day.

She looks down at her notebook and starts speaking.

"Casey." I stop her.

She looks up nervously.

"thank you." I smile.

She smiles back then looks at her notes and continues on.


	7. Chapter 7

Ch. 7

Casey's POV

I can't stop looking at her, or thinking about her and this proves to be a task through out the week. I can't help but watch her while she's working. The way her hair covers her face and she has to brush it out of the way so that it cascades down her back and shoulders. That hair is going to be the death of me. She has yet to have a bad hair day ever I'm guessing. I can tell she thinking when she chews the end of her pen. Everything she does is perfect.

Everyday I need to remind myself she's my supervisor, and I shouldn't be attracted to her. Thankfully it's Friday and I have all weekend to find a way to not be attracted to Alex Cabot.

That night I get home rather late. I curl up into my bed in my fluffy pajama's since the heating in this place sucks. I bet Alex could warm me up. Damn it. This weekend is suppose to get my mind off of Alex not bring me back to thoughts of her in my bed as we warm each other up.

Sleep. I need to sleep. Maybe sleeping will get my mind off of her. It has the past few days.

_I'm sitting on my couch drinking some coffee and reading a book. There's a knock at the door._

_"hang on." I call out._

_"Casey it's me open the door." I hear a low voice._

_I open the door. It's Alex._

_"Alex what are you doing here?" I ask her._

_"can I come in?" she asks._

_"yeah sure."_

_I move out of the way and let her in. She's wearing her usual long trench coat buttoned up with heels, glasses on, and not a hair out of place on her. I automatically get nervous of my apartment. It's small and an absolute mess. She probably thinks I'm a slob now. Boxes everywhere. She's probably use to a big spacious clean apartment with the best cleanest brightest furniture and not a thing out of place. _

_"sorry for the mess." I apologize. _

_She looks around._

_"Casey." she looks back at me. _

_"what's up?" I ask her._

_"there's something you and I need to talk about." I watch her lips as she speaks._

_I swallow the lump in my throat._

_"okay."_

_She puts her hand to the first button on her coat. _

_"this week has been great, but you have a problem." she says in a low voice._

_"okay." I say watching the button fall open._

_I try to keep my gaze to her eyes only. Those blue eyes that are hypnotizing. _

_"You think I haven't noticed but I have noticed. See you just can't stop looking." she pops another button on her coat._

_"looking at me. Imagining me Casey. Imagining doing things to me that makes you blush so red just thinking about it. Well I want you to stop imagining them, and start." the last button of her coat releases._

_"doing them Casey." she leans in close to my ear._

_"I know how badly you want me. The way you look at me the way you get nervous around me because you're afraid you'll say something you shouldn't. Do you want me Casey?" she asks in a seductive tone._

_"y- yes." I whisper as if it's a secret._

_"then take me." she takes me hand and sticks it beneath the coat so I can feel bare breast._

_I nearly swallow my tongue. She lets go of my hand and I'm squeezing her breast. It fits in my hand perfectly and feels amazing. She lets out a beautiful moan. We end up in my bed room._

_I push the coat off of Alex. She's wearing lace underwear and heels. Another pulse of arousal surges through me. Her curves are beautiful and I run my hand along her hips then place her onto the bed. I look at her. Laid out on my bed in only lace panties and black heels. I look down at her covered center. My breath starts to come on louder and faster. She sits up and strips me of my clothes quickly and pulls me on top of her. Our lips meet. The kiss is hungry and I don't know how much longer I can go with out feeling Alex. My hands go from her breasts and to the top of her panties I hook my fingers into the waist band and pull them down. My vision goes white before I can see anything and there's a ringing noise._

I roll over and look at my phone. I look to see a missed call from my mother. I groan and shut the phone off. Then I lay back down on my pillow and I can feel sweat on my forehead. Remembering my dream I groan again.

"it was only a damn dream." I say to myself.

So much for trying to get Alex off my brain. She's everywhere now. Invading my dreams. I will never be able to get that image of Alex in my apartment seducing me wearing nothing but panties and heels out of my head ever. I'll be lucky if I can ever look at her normally again.

On Monday is the start of a trial I've been helping Alex prepare for. As I have every morning I get a coffee for myself and for her. She looks happy and ready for the day. I ask her how her weekend was.

But thank you brain as soon as I look at her images of her on my bed come back into my mind just when she asks about my weekend.

Well I just had a dream you went to my apartment and seduced me. Not too bad.

Alex Cabot in a court room some would describe her as no nonsense, straight to the point, uptight even. I on the other hand would describe it as sexy. Her voice damn it. When she's stern and in that no nonsense mode her voice is just sexy. I mean it sounds nothing like it did in my dream, but I swear it has the same effect on me. This whole take charge I'm the boss thing she has going on is perfect. Then as she's walking around the court room as she questions the witnesses. The way her hips sway without even trying makes me wonder how her body moves when she is trying.

I am not suppose to be attracted to her though. She's my supervisor for crying out loud. Plus it's not like I even have a chance with her I try to think of something else and not look at her, and be completely turned on with the sight of Alex Cabot taking charge in the court room, and the images of my dreams this weekend.

The judge calls a recess and I bolt out of there as if I was suffocating. I walk outside and try to breathe.

Get a grip Novak. I try to tell myself anything so I will stop thinking of Alex like I have been the past few hours in that court room. I completely lose track of time. I run back inside and take my seat hoping I stay collected and clear headed for the rest of the day. Alex then asks where I was she needed something about the notes. I apologize but don't look at her. I find my plan best works if I completely avoid the sight of Alex Cabot all together.

After we get out of court Alex gets called down to the precinct. I offer to go, but she tells me to stay behind and start working on more trial prep for tomorrow. When she comes back I can feel the tension. I think maybe it's because I completely blew off our plan to go over my notes during lunch. I was so stupid to skip out on her like that she needed me and I let her down.

During the prepping I try my best to be clear when saying how we should approach this new evidence the defense some how found.

"Casey stop talking for just one second." she stops me mid sentence

She starts pacing and breathing heavy I get scared she'll pass out or something. I ask her if she needs anything ready to catch her if she suddenly falls or something.

"I told you were we suppose to go over notes. Your notes Casey. I had no idea what I was even reading. Do you know how to write a complete sentence? I went in there completely blind because you had to go do something that's clearly more important that your job. I mean do you even want to be here?" she start yelling at me.

This came out of nowhere and so suddenly. Was my approach that bad? Did I do something wrong? Were my notes really that bad?

I attempt to apologize but she cuts me off.

"would you stop babbling like an idiot and form a sentence for once in your life."

Her comment silences me. I want to cry. My lips quiver and tears threaten to fall, but I can't let them not in front of Alex. I refuse to cry in front of her. Instead I apologize

"just go home." she finally tells me.

I leave as quick as I can, and cry the whole drive home. I feel like a failure to Alex.

Getting home I throw myself in my bed. My mother was right. I am a failure. I failed the one person who probably believes I can do this job. I failed her so badly she hates me now. I had one job to give her those notes and I couldn't even do that right. What the hell makes me think I can do the job on my own.

I think about not going to work, but I want to redeem myself with Alex, and show her I'm serious about my job and capable of doing it. So I get to court early and take my seat. It's Alex who almost made the judge order a continuance. She probably went and talked to McCoy about firing me.

Yesterday I just didn't want to think inappropriately around Alex. Now I'm trying not to cry my eyes out. Alex doesn't seem to be paying attention to the trial, or the answers the witness is giving to her questions.

When we get back to the office I ask Alex if she needs anything from me. I'm also trying to see if she went and talked to McCoy.

She says no and I turn around. When she says my name again my stomach turns. Oh god. She's going to tell me she talked to McCoy about my horrible work and that I'm fired. Oh god no.

"I- I'm sorry for how I treated you yesterday."

What? Not what I excepted. I don't understand why she's apologizing though it was my screw up not hers.

"no Alex I get it. I wasn't where I was suppose to be. It's okay. I deserved it. You're right." I try to set it straight.

"no I wasn't. It wasn't that big of a deal that you weren't there. I was ill prepared. I didn't know they'd have the evidence. I had a bad day. I took it out on you. I am sorry. If you want a new supervisor I understand we could work something out with McCoy."

What? She's not mad at me, but I wasn't there for her. I mean I guess that was a good thing. I still got to keep my job, and Alex was okay with me.

"Alex I don't want anyone else. I want you." I say honestly.

Crap my mind needs to shut up.

"as- as- as my supervisor."

I understand we all have bad days and take it out on others, but I think I deserved that wake up call. I need to be there for Alex. I attempt to apologize again, but she asks to just move past it. I can do that I guess. I just feel like something is going on with Alex that's bigger than my notes.

"you know if you want to talk about something I'm here. I know sometimes all you need is someone to listen. Getting angry doesn't get anyone anywhere, it just makes things worse." I tell her.

She then thanks me.

I still feel horrible about leaving her high and dry yesterday. I plan to make it up to her though. I work as hard as I can the next few days. When the jury has come to a decision I get nervous. If he's convicted that will look good for Alex. That what I want for her. She deserves this conviction. When the juror says guilty I feel a huge weight off my shoulders.

Alex lets out a sigh of relief. I have the urge to hug her and congratulate her, but I don't.

We get back to our office. A while later Alex calls me into her office. I walk over.

"yeah?"

She hugs me. Alex Cabot hugs me. I take a breath and I can smell her raspberry shampoo. The bit of hair that hit my nose is soft. I just want to run my hands through it.

"thank you for all your help. I know I was a complete bitch to you. Thank you for helping me still." she says when she lets go.

Alex Cabot hugged me. I just had my body pressed against Alex's. Her hair smelled amazing. I don't know what to say.

"what?"

What? Casey seriously? Alex is going to think I'm an idiot again if all I can say is what.

"thank you." she says again.

"thank you." I repeat.

She looks at me funny. Okay deep breath.

"your welcome." I correct myself.

"I'm sorry if you don't like hugs it was just a relief…" she starts talking.

"no no. It's fine you can hug me that's fine." I assure her.

I go back to my office wondering what the hell just happened to me. Sitting down slowly I miss the chair and wind up falling on my butt. I get back up and sit in my chair correctly.

It was just a friendly thank you hug. I need to stop over analyzing things with Alex. She's not attracted to me, and she's my supervisor. Really though how many supervisors have hugged me though? None. Okay so what it was a long week. Maybe Alex is trying to show how sorry she is for yelling at me. But I deserved it, so I didn't deserve the hug. That hug means nothing. She was just being polite.


	8. Chapter 8

Ch. 8

Alex's POV

We got the conviction on the trial and I can't help but hug Casey when we get back to our offices. Though she didn't seem to like the hug very much, or just shocked. I never really hug anyone at work. Not even Olivia when we were together. But I'm excited this conviction will look good for Casey and I'm going to make sure McCoy knows she was a big player in getting it. I'm just happy that Casey doesn't completely hate my guts after everything.

Early Tuesday morning I get into work earlier than planned. I go to the coffee shop down the street to grab coffee for myself and Casey. She always brings me coffee and I think its the least I owe her after last week.

There's a long line. No wonder Casey's always a few minutes late. I'm standing behind two people I recognize from the office. I don't know them enough to say hi so I don't.

"you know Casey Novak got hired back." one of them says.

"yeah I heard. God, how stupid is McCoy hiring back someone who got their ass censured over a Brady violation. I mean who's stupid enough to do that?"

"It's sad who they let weasel their way back into the DA's office now."

"I heard she's on probation or something one mess up and she's disbarred."

"she's a huge bitch and can't do anything right. She doesn't deserve to be there. I give it another week."

Who are these two to be talking? They look like they just graduated law school and have yet to take anything to court bigger than a damn parking ticket. Casey doesn't deserve this kind of crap. We all make mistakes. I want to say something to them and defend Casey, but they get their coffees and leave.

When I get back to the office Casey is in her office working.

"hey."

"good morning."

"I got you some coffee. French vanilla right?"

"thank you very much." she smiles.

She's about to say something else when my cell phone rings.

"Alex Cabot."

I'm needed down at the precinct.

"do you need me to come with you?" Casey offers.

I say okay, and we walked down to the precinct.

The detectives welcome Casey back before we get down to business. Casey and I stand and watch as Elliot is talking with a potential suspect. The door behind us to the squad room opens. It's Olivia, she goes straight into the interrogation room. I get tense. Watching her interrogate suspects use to be a huge turn on, now the sound of her voice just irritates me to no end.

"wow Liv looks good." I hear Casey say.

I just want to get this over with as soon as possible. Olivia comes out of interrogation a while later. This guy is not budging. As soon as she sees me her eyes narrow. I turn back to the window and watch Elliot.

"Olivia hey." Casey says to her in her usual happy demeanor.

They share a hug. Olivia just went from giving me a dirty glare to acting like nothing was wrong and hugging Casey.

"you look awesome. How are you?" Casey asks Olivia.

"great really great." she emphasizes.

I know she's trying to make sure I hear it. Yeah Olivia you're so much happier without me, your life is perfect now that I'm not holding you back. I get it.

"I'll see you at the office." I tell Casey as I go to leave.

"I'll come with you." Casey says.

"no it's okay I have a thing." I leave quickly.

I'm just about packed up and ready to leave for the day when Olivia comes in requesting a search warrant. She has no good evidence that this man had any reason for killing the victim.

"Olivia I'm sorry I can't just ask a judge for a warrant without probable cause." I explain calmly.

"bull shit Alex you do it all the time for Elliot." she goes off.

"because he asks for warrants when he knows I can get them. Where the hell do you come off asking me for this warrant anyway. Last time I checked I didn't owe you any favors." I start raising my voice back at her.

"I'm not asking a favor from you Alex, I just want to get this guy. You asked if I could do my job. I sure as hell can here I am doing it. Can you do your job Alex? Which is getting me my warrant not bitching at me every chance you get."

"you act like I'm doing this just to make things difficult for you. No I have better things to do with my time than have a pissing contest with you. Go get me some probable cause and then you can have your warrant. Until then my answer is no."

"fine then, but if this guy kills another person it will be all your fault." she leave my office slamming the door.

My blood is boiling at this point. I hate Olivia she makes me beyond furious, and always blames my not being able to legally obtain the warrant on me all the time. I have to follow the law in order to do my job correctly. Unlike her I don't have someone who will fix my messes for me.

I pick up the cup on my desk that has my pencils and chuck it across the room letting out frustrated groan. Just as the pencil cup hits the door frame the door is opening Casey ducks as it smashes above her head. I immediately feel stupid for over reacting and throwing a tantrum

"oh god Casey I'm so sorry." I apologize.

"is everything okay I heard yelling." she picks up the pencils and broken cup.

"yeah." I lie

"remember if you need to talk I'm here." she reminds me again.

"why are you so nice to me?" I ask her.

She ignores my question and give me the last of her papers for the day.

"goodnight Alex." she says going for the door.

"wait." I stop her.

I take a breath.

"I want to talk let me buy you a drink or something." I say.

Her eyes go wide and her cheeks turn bright red. She probably thinks I want to yell at her or something like that.

"s- s- umm yeah, yeah okay. Just let me- yeah." she quickly leaves my office and goes to hers.

We sit down at the bar table. She orders her drink, and I just get a soda. I really don't want Casey to see me in a state when I'm drinking then she might definitely ask McCoy for a new supervisor.

She looks really nervous, she keeps moving in her seat and playing with the straw in her drink.

"Casey." I start talking.

Her head snaps up and she looks even more nervous.

"can I ask you something?"

"o-okay." she stutters.

"How are you?" I ask her.

I was just thinking about the people in front of me at the coffee shop talking about Casey. I started to wonder if she knew about it.

Her expression goes from nervous to confused.

"fine. Why?"

"Casey you're an amazing prosecutor no matter what anyone else says."

Her eyes light up. I'm probably the only person who's said that to her.

"okay." is all she says.

"do you agree with me on that?" I ask her.

"I don't know. Not really I guess."

Unacceptable.

"well the past is the past. I don't care if you've made mistakes you're still good at what you do." I tell her.

"why are you telling me this?" she asks.

I take a breath.

"because I heard about why you were censured."

She looks down at her lap ashamed.

"and I wanted you to know that none of that should matter. It's in the past and you're an amazing prosecutor." I tell her.

Her eyes lit up again and she smiles.

"thanks. Is that what you wanted to talk to me about or..." she says.

"no umm I just- you're always so nice to me. I figured you deserved a drink or something especially after last week and you're just doing so well and everything. You deserve this at least."

"oh okay."

There's a bit of silence. I try to keep the conversation up before this becomes awkward. She's sipping her drink and looking elsewhere probably feeling awkward as well.

"so do you have a boyfriend?" I ask out of nowhere.

She lets the straw fall from her mouth and starts choking on her wasn't expecting that question. Probably a bad question she must've had a bad break up or something.

"no, no umm no." she shakes her head.

"you?"

I laugh a little.

"oh no." I shake my head.

"bad break up?" she asks.

"something like that." I answer.

This conversation is starting to get a little bit awkward, but I have no idea what to talk to her about. I notice her glancing at the screen where a football game is playing. It's the Giants and someone else. I have no idea the only knowledge I have of football is that a bunch of guys crush skulls and play the Super Bowl. That is it.

"are you a Giants fan?" I ask.

"yeah. You?"

"yeah." I say automatically even though I couldn't care less.

"I like football, but I'm more of a fan of baseball."

She goes on talking about the Yankees. I then learn that she played softball in high school and college and that she use to play for the DA's team. Just like me to not know we even had a baseball team or softball team. I really have no idea what the difference is. She goes on talking about how she pitched in college and won the championship. She seems more at ease talking to me than she normally is.

Soon our conversation shifts to law school. She was two years behind me at Harvard, so we get into conversations about Harvard. After a while I realize it's late and we have an early day. She puts some cash on the table.

"no I'll pay." I insist.

"Alex I had two drinks. You didn't. Let me."

I keep insisting on paying for her two drinks, finally after some persuasion I convince her to let me pay.

"next time it's on me." she laughs a little as we leave the bar.

"don't forget what I said." I tell her.

"I won't. Goodnight Alex." she smiles.

"goodnight Casey." I say back.


	9. Chapter 9

Ch. 9

Casey's POV

I try as hard as I can not to blush when Alex brings me coffee. I always bring her coffee, but this morning I was running ridiculously late and had to get these papers to Alex. I thank her. I wanted to say something else but she gets a phone call to go down to the precinct. She looks like she doesn't want to go, so I offer to tag along.

I don't really want to see the detectives. I still feel embarrassed, but I put on a smile and say hi to the detectives. To my surprise I get warm welcomes from them, and not the cold dirty looks I get at the DA's office.

Elliot is in the interrogation room with the suspect. I haven't seen Olivia yet. I almost want to ask if she still works here, but a few minutes later she goes to join Elliot in interrogation. Olivia looks different now, longer hair and everything. I can feel a tense vibe coming from Alex.

"Liv looks good." I find myself saying.

I had never been attracted to Olivia like that, but we were friends when I worked with SVU before.

Alex doesn't respond she just keeps watching the interrogation.

When Olivia comes out a short time later Alex quickly leaves saying she has a thing. I stay behind and talk to Olivia for a while. Something about her seems different, but I can't quiet place it. We talk for for a while then I head back to the office to finish up my work.

I'm about to go into Alex's office when I hear her yelling at someone, but I don't know who it is. I hear the door slam. Normally I don't want to get in other people's business, but I'm concerned about her so I go to her office. Just as I'm opening the door I see something hurtling towards my head. Luckily it misses me.

Alex looks upset and angry. She sees it's me and then apologizes. I'm really concerned now. I've never thought of Alex to be someone angry enough to act like that. She tells me she's fine and I know it's a lie. I may not know Alex Cabot as well as someone else, but this is not her. I remind her again that I'm always there to talk to. I don't expect her to take me up on that offer. She probably has someone else better to talk to, but I put the offer there just in case.

"why are you so nice to me?" she asks me.

Because you're amazing, and perfect, and why would I not want to be nice to you. I think to myself, but I stay silent unable to come up with a decent enough lie. I hand her the papers and go to leave.

"wait." she stops me.

"I want to talk, let me buy you a drink."

Suddenly the room feels warm. Alex Cabot. The Alex Cabot just asked to buy me a drink. Was I dreaming. She's wearing clothes so I'm obviously not. But she just asked me to hang out. What? Why would she want to hang out with me? Calm down Casey she just wants to be your friend that is it. Okay now accept the invitation without sounding stupid.

"s- s- umm yeah, yeah okay. Just let me- yeah."

I have to hand it to myself at least I can form basic words. I still sound stupid.

Sitting in the bar I cannot keep still. I'm nervous sitting here with Alex. She looks so beautiful as usual. Here I am probably looking like a hot mess. I don't know what to say or how to act. Then that stupid wonderful dream comes into my head and I just want to panic. But she just wants to be friends what is wrong with me.

I keep trying to not look at Alex so I don't think about that dream. She says my name and it's so wonderful it sends a shock to my heart.

"can I ask you something?"

Crap. I did something wrong. I must've, or maybe it was because I was so quick to go into her office after whatever fight she was having.

"o-okay."

"How are you?"

That's what she wanted to ask? Is she joking. Nope this is a set up, then she's gonna tell me what ever it is. Oh god calm down Casey everything is fine.

"fine. Why?"

"Casey you're an amazing prosecutor no matter what anyone else says."

What? Alex Cabot thinks I'm an amazing prosecutor? She's probably the only person to say that. The nervousness in my stomach turns to butterflies. Alex Cabot thinks I'm amazing. Well just at my job, but that's better than her thinking I'm an idiot like rest of the human population.

"okay."

She asks if I agree. I want to be honest with Alex.

"I don't know. Not really I guess."

She looks at me as if my answer is completely wrong.

"well the past is the past. I don't care if you've made mistakes you're still good at what you do."

Where is all this coming from?

She tells me she heard why I was censured. I feel so ashamed. I wish Alex didn't know about that awful thing in my life. I feel like a failure to her.

"and I wanted you to know that none of that should matter. It's in the past and you're an amazing prosecutor."

I feel that flutter in my stomach again. Here I am having drinks with Alex Cabot and she's called me amazing twice. I want to cry happy tears so badly.

During a few minutes of silence. I act like I'm looking at the game on tv, but I'm really just trying to gather my thoughts together, and keep myself from jumping out of my chair and dancing around like some middle school girl whose crush just said hi to her.

"so do you have a boyfriend?" she suddenly asks.

I start choking on my drink. That was unexpected. I want to tell her I'm gay, but I don't want her to be thrown off, or be one of those girls who thinks I like her and gets creeped out. I do like Alex she's beautiful, but I'd rather go on thinking that then have her crush my spirits right then and there.

"no, no umm no." I say.

"you?" I ask.

And if she says yes my spirits will be crushed. God I hope she isn't one of those girls who goes on about her boyfriend buying her diamond necklace's or whatever.

"oh no." she says.

"bad break up?" I ask.

I hope I didn't just open up an old wound with her. Oh god I don't want her to be sad. Why am I so stupid?

"something like that." she says.

Well whoever he was he's a damn idiot for letting Alex go. If I ever was with Alex I would never leave her. I could never imagine hurting someone as beautiful and perfect as her. God why does she have to be so beautiful?

After some more silence she asks if I'm a Giants fan. Which sends me on this whole schpeal about playing softball. Maybe I'm talking too much. She probably doesn't care or wants me to shut up. She's really good at acting like she cares, she nods her head, responds when it's appropriate, and laughs when it's appropriate. Then we start talking about law school. At least we have that in common so the conversation isn't so one sided.

When we're leaving I try to pay since she didn't really have a drink and I'd feel awful having her pay for me, but soon enough I fall for her sweet smile and say yes. It's very hard to say no to her.

I get back to my apartment smiling. I start dancing around like that girl in middle school whose crush just said hi to her. The only thing that disappoints me is that it wasn't a date, just two friends hanging out. Oh but the fact it was Alex and I got to spend time with her leaves me with the most amazing happy feeling ever. She was so nice to me and said all those nice things about me. It doesn't even matter what anyone else thinks. Alex thinks I'm amazing and I couldn't be happier well unless she were my girlfriend. I keep remembering her say that I'm amazing. Every time I think about it I get more butterflies in my stomach.

That night I have another dream about her.

_We were sitting on a picnic blanket and I was just looking in her eyes. Those big blue eyes that make me go weak at the knees just thinking about, and nearly kill me when she's wearing those glasses. I run my hands through her soft hair and touch her cheek. I lean in and kiss her. Her lips are soft and taste something like strawberries. I would never get tired of kissing Alex. _

_"I love you." I tell her softly._

_"Casey… wake up. You have to go to work." she tells me._

Stupid fucking alarm dragging me away from kissing the most beautiful woman in Manhattan.

Did I really just tell Alex I love her. Sure it was in my dream, but I still said it.

How can I love a woman I have no chance of being with.

Casey it was just a dream. You never think clearly in a dream. Just last week you had a dream you had to carry a chicken around work named Pablo. This is not some sub conscious way of your mind telling you your in love with Alex.

I wonder what it would be like to wake up next to Alex and kiss her for real. I wonder how she looks when she wakes up. Probably perfect as always. I would make her breakfast every morning. I could just imagine her fussing over what to wear, as I tell her that she'll look gorgeous no matter what she wears.

I wish I could wake up next to her everyday for the rest of my life.


	10. Chapter 10

**Author's Note: Sorry about the late update I was having major writers block, and with Christmas and everything I've been wicked busy. I just want to say thank you for the reviews you guys are awesome. So, without further or do Chapter 10. **

Ch. 10

Alex's POV

The next few days Casey seems more at ease after our drinks and talking. Maybe that's all she needed was to hang out. I don't think she has many friends here, neither do I. Its better to be alone together right? Plus I like Casey she's really nice, and sweet. Which is why I wonder why she doesn't have many friends. Who wouldn't want to be friends with her?

On Friday Elliot comes in requesting the warrant Olivia had before, but this time with probable cause and by the books, so I give it to him. I'm just waiting for Olivia to see me and blame my "bitterness" on not being able to legally obtain a warrant. Usually we just ignore each other, but lately she's been a huge bitch to me which is making it really hard to ignore her.

When I see Olivia in Casey's office I start feeling weird. Not for Olivia, but for Casey. It's not like she can't talk to Olivia. She's her own person, but why is it that I don't like this scene in front of me. It's not like I'm with Casey or anything. She's just my friend, so why am I all the sudden possessive of her? I brush it off and leave to go about my business for the morning. After all my meetings I come back and there's a turkey sandwich sitting on my desk. I know it's from Casey she'd do something sweet like this. She knew I had a million meetings this morning, and knew I would not have time for lunch.

I really wish I knew why Casey is always nice to me. She comes into my office a few minutes later to go over her work.

"are you my secret admirer?" I ask her with a smile.

"What?" she shoots her head up like I just accused her of murder.

I point to the sandwich on my desk.

"oh umm yeah. They had a free sandwich thing, and I knew you had meetings and probably wouldn't get lunch."

"thank you." I say.

"you're welcome."

It's started snowing outside pretty hard.

"I guess I can add hot chocolate to my weekend plans." I comment.

A few minutes into reviewing her work the power goes out in the office. The snow is going pretty hard.

"if you want we can go to my place and finish this, or if you wanna wait until Monday?" I ask her.

"umm sure yeah sure." she says.

We pick up some chinese on the way to my place. Casey paid since I paid for drinks last time. We get to my apartment which is fairly clean compared to the usual mess it is.

I take Casey's coat and leave it in the front hall closet. We sit down in the living room with our food and get straight to work. We finish the paper work rather quickly then start talking. We get back in the conversation of law school, and other funny stories.

"umm I should probably go." Casey says a while later.

"let me walk you out." I offer.

"you don't have to it's freezing."

"it's alright." I tell her handing her her coat and scarf.

I grab mine and we leave.

We get down to the front hall and I see my neighbor coming in.

"hope you're not planning on driving Alex. I was just about to go out, there's pretty much snow up to your neck. All the roads shut down." she tells us before going on her way.

"well this sucks. I guess I could walk and pick up my car on Monday or something." Casey says.

It's freezing outside. I'd be crazy to let really my only friend walk home. I offer to let her stay in my guest bedroom.

"no umm it's fine. It's only a couple blocks." she looks at her feet.

I don't really know how far she lives, but I know it's more than a couple blocks by the look on her face.

"Casey it's freezing out, you'd need a sled and dogs or snow shoes or something to make it home." I say.

"I have some pajama's you can borrow we can dig your car out of the snow in the morning." I tell her.

"please." I give her the puppy dog pout.

She closes her eyes trying to escape the pout.

"umm okay fine." she says.

We go back up to the apartment, and as soon as I get my coat off I show Casey to my bedroom so she can get a pair of pajama's.

She standing awkwardly in the hall outside the door. Looking as if she isn't allowed in.

"you can come in and pick what ever you want." I tell her.

"umm I'm fine with whatever you have." she stutters.

I go through the drawers. I'm not sure if she wears pajamas or just a t-shirt, or sleeps naked. What Alex? She's not going to just sleep naked in someone else's house. Not that I'd mind much really, but honestly I would never sleep naked in someone else's house. Not unless I was doing certain activities with the person. Which Casey and I are not doing. I grab a pair of blue pajamas I think will do.

"are these okay?" I ask her.

"umm yeah their fine." she takes them.

She's staring at them as if I just gave her the best gift ever.

"do you just want a t-shirt or something?" I ask her.

"no no. These are perfect- fine umm fine." she corrects herself looking up.

"bathroom's to the left, guest bedroom is to the right. If you want I can wash your clothes for you, or if you want to borrow some tomorrow."

"alright." she says.

I give her a tooth brush and a towel for the shower. I hear the shower running, and I go to clean up the living room of our food leavings. After I've finished Casey is still in the shower. I knock on the door to see if Casey wants me to wash her clothes now.

"Casey." I call out.

No response.

I open the door a little.

"Casey." I say again.

"wh- umm what?" she asks quickly.

"do you want me to wash your clothes now? I was just about to put a load in." I tell her.

"umm I can d- do it if you want." she stutters.

"it's okay I don't mind."

I pick up the pile of clothing off the floor.

I get myself in my pajamas and turn on the tv to the news to lull me to sleep like most nights. I pull my hair from its pony tail and brush it out. I see Casey out of the corner of my eye she comes out of the bathroom. She stands right in my doorway not coming in my room.

"goodnight." she says sweetly.

I smile back. She looks different with her hair wet and no make up, but good different. I like it.

"oh umm if you get cold you can adjust the heat, or there's more blankets in the closet." I tell her.

"okay." she says looking at her feet then turning to walk away.

"goodnight Casey. Sweet dreams."

"you too."


	11. Chapter 11

Ch. 11

Casey's POV

When Alex invited me over to her place I have no idea what force in the world made me say yes. Sitting here now I wish I hadn't. We were talking and it wasn't awkward, but I was having every inappropriate thought I possibly could about Alex.

She's your supervisor Casey. You should not be thinking those things.

But she's so beautiful how could I not. I'd have to be insane not to.

Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, but was just as breath taking as when it was flowing free.

I liked seeing this laid back side of Alex. She sat on the other side of the couch in her jeans bare foot with just a simple shirt on. God, she was just as sexy in that as she was any other day.

When I finally got up and leave the presence of this beautiful woman in front of me. She offered to walk me out. The snow was coming down fast and I hoped I could get my car out of the snow and I wouldn't have to walk the however many blocks or miles back to my apartment. When we're just about to leave outside we're informed that the roads are closed. Looks like I'm walking.

"well this sucks. I guess I could walk and pick up my car on Monday or something." I say more to myself.

"you could stay in my guest bedroom." Alex says.

My heart nearly stops. Alex just asked me to stay the night at her apartment. So many times I imagined it being for other things. I don't know if I'll be able to spend a night in Alex's apartment without freaking out or something.

I lie and tell her I only live a few blocks.

When she gives me the puppy dog pout. She must make a lot of her boyfriends cave with that face. I can't say no to it.

We go back upstairs and I keep trying to calm myself. I'm sleeping in another room. Just sleeping here. Then in the morning I'm gone back to my crappy apartment and crappy life. Calming myself isn't working too well when I'm standing in Alex's bedroom door. I don't want to step in because it feels forbidden. Her bed is nicely made and there doesn't seem to be a thing out of place.

"you can come in and pick some out." she says.

I still can't go in there. I know if I do get anymore closer to Alex nothing will fight the urges I'm having to just toss her on that bed and kiss her, and that would just be the end of it for me. I'd be fired and shunned by my only friend.

She gives me the pajamas and I can't believe it I'm going to actually sleep in Alex's pajamas. This feels unreal. All I can do is stare at them in disbelief. I go take a shower because I know if I stay with Alex I'll either faint of do something stupid. I go into the shower. It smells like her raspberry shampoo. I'm in the midst of my own mind letting my imagination wander to dangerous places when I hear my name.

All that's separating me in my birthday suite and the most gorgeous woman in Manhattan is a curtain. It's quick though. I hear her leave with my clothes.

I get out of the bathroom wearing the pajamas. They're different than my tweety bird ones that I usually wear, they're softer.

Alex is sitting on her bed in her pajamas still looking beautiful. She pulls her hair out of the ponytail holder and starts brushing it. The world continues to torture me with her hair.

"goodnight." I say to her.

She smiles.

She tells me where extra blankets are. I wont have a problem with being cold when she's just in the next room sleeping. If anything I'll have to open a window or something.

"goodnight Casey sweet dreams." she smiles at me.

"you too."

I go into the guest bedroom and shut the door. This is going to be a very very long night for me.

_I'm back in front of Alex's bedroom door. She's brushing her hair. Instead of the pajama's she's wearing she's wearing a sea foam green dress. She gets up_

_"honey?" she calls out._

_I'm standing there dumb founded. Who's she talking to? Why am I here?_

_She turns around sees me and smiles._

_"well?" she asks._

_I just stand there._

_"are you going to unzip me?" she asked._

_"me?" I asked._

_She nods._

_I go towards her she turns around. I take her hair in my hand and move it over her shoulder. I locate the zipper and put my hand on her back. My breathing gets louder as I grip it and pull it down. I step away once the zippers down._

_"you're not gonna take it off me?" she asks._

_Who am I to ask questions when Alex Cabot asks me to undress her. I put my hands on her shoulders and move them under the dress to slip it off. The sight and feel of her bare shoulders is to much. I turn her around._

_"you're so beautiful." I tell her._

_The dress falls to the floor. She wraps her hands around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. She pulls at the zipper on the dress that magically found its way on my body. My dress falls next to hers. I pick her up still kissing her and lay her on the bed. Her bra comes off and her nipples are standing to attention. I lean now and take one in my mouth gently. A soft moan comes out of her mouth. She makes the most beautiful noises. After a bit I let that nipple go with a little pop and give the same attention to the next one. I'm getting more noises out of her now, louder, more urgent as she arches into my touch. _

_"Casey." she moans. _

_Suddenly and without warning she flips us over so she can straddle my thigh. I can feel her wetness on my thigh. I can't help but let out a moan. I want her so badly right now. _

_"you just looked so beautiful in that dress, but your much more beautiful when I have you squirming." she says in a sensual tone._

_I buck my hips up making her sway a little. _

_"mm Casey." she moans_

_She moves rocking herself on my thigh spreading her wetness. She stops suddenly and removes herself off my thigh so she can stand and take off her panties._

_She gets between my legs and lifts one up and settles her soaking center on mine. _

_"oh god." she groans._

_She starts moving. It's the most amazing feeling. I place my hands on her hips and all I can do is move with her and watch her. She's still wearing her glasses her eyes shut head thrown back in ecstasy. Everything starts going really fast._

_"Alex." I moan out._

_"Casey… oh Casey." she moans._

_She throws her head back and continues her motion on me._

_"Casey… Casey…" she starts fading away.  
Her moans become her regular voice._

"Casey."

I feel a hand on my shoulder. I open my eyes. Alex is in front of me.

"what?" I ask sitting up.

"I could hear you saying something. I thought you were having a nightmare or something."

Or something.

"oh yeah sorry. I didn't mean to wake you. Sorry."

She leaves and I toss the blankets off me and rub my eyes. I really wonder what I was saying. I hope I didn't say anything I shouldn't.

I look outside there's got to be at least a foot of snow out there. Great. I'll be digging my car out until the next ice age. I walk out to the kitchen.

"sugar?" I hear Alex say when I walk in.

She has her back turned to me like in the dream.

"what?" I ask.

"do you want sugar in your coffee?" she asks.

"sure."

She hands me the warm cup of coffee.

"did you sleep okay?" she asked.

"umm yeah, perfect. Fine." I said.

"there's a lot of snow I'll have fun digging out my car." I re directed conversation.

"I'll help you." Alex said.

I couldn't see Alex Cabot out in 20 degree weather shoveling snow and pushing my car out.

"don't even try to say no because I'm helping you." she said.

I go to say something else.

"that's what friends are for right?" she asked before going back towards her room.

Friends right, just friends.

Alex came out wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. She gave me a pair then leant me a winter coat and some gloves so we could go find my car.

An hour later and we're only half done, and this snow has turned to rain.

"you can go inside if it's too cold." I tell Alex.

"I'm fine, are you okay? You can take a break."

"nope." I say.

Her nose is bright red from the cold and I can see her breaths in the cold air. I can just see her going inside to warm up in a fluffy blanket and drinking hot chocolate or something.

I move to go get more snow of the car an slip and fall on my back.

"oh my god Casey." Alex comes over to help me up.

Great, I can't even keep my mind off something cute Alex would do when I'm freezing to death.

She reaches her hand out. I take it. Just as she goes to pull me up she slips and falls on her butt with an omf.

"oh my god."

Alex just looked in my eyes and started laughing. Her laugh was beautiful.

"I'm sorry you just looked- it was funny." she laughed.

"so you're saying I look funny?" I asked her jokingly.

"no no you looked-"

She looked back in my eyes.

"come on." she got up and held her hand out once again.

I took it and got up. Both our hands were covered by gloves, but I still didn't want to ever let go of her hand.

She still keeps hold of my hand and we go back inside and into the elevator. She's shivering.

When we get inside and changed out of our wet clothes I go to the closet and grab the blankets. Alex sits on the couch with her hot chocolate her nose still red. I take the blanket and wrap it around her.

"thank you." she chatters.

"here." she opens up the side of the blanket to let me sit next to her.

I sit next to her and she hugs me still shivering. She puts her head on my shoulder the water tickling my neck making me shiver, but I don't mind. She's hugging me and it's wonderful. I love being next to Alex with her hugging me, but it's becoming really hard not to act on instinct.

"sorry I'm just really cold." she says.

"no it's okay." I laugh a little.

She lets reaches for the remote and turns on the tv once she finds something she sits back. I try to fight the urge to touch her hand. It's centimeters from mine. Just resting there on the couch.

I move my fingers closer. Just barley brushing my fingertips on the length of her thumb. Her hand must be numb from the cold because she doesn't react to my touch, or maybe she does notice it and doesn't want to say anything, or thinks it's just an accidental touch.

Alex Cabot doesn't know how much I fall for her every second of every day. To her it's just an accidental touch. Nothing. Something that will come and go, and will never be thought of again. To me it's so much more, and she's never going to know that that accidental touch wasn't accidental. It was on purpose.


	12. Chapter 12

Ch. 12

Alex's POV

I can't sleep at all. Something about Casey in the next room wont let me sleep. I trust her, so I know it's not the fear she'll come in and murder me in my sleep or something. But something about that idea of Casey Novak in that room is weird, like it's not right, or not how things are suppose to be. Maybe I'm just so use to being alone that my mind really can't believe another human being is in the apartment. I can't quiet put my finger on what it is that has me awake.

I spend the remainder of the night trying to sleep without success. At 8 I get up to go to the kitchen and get some coffee. I hear my name.

"Alex."

I go towards the guest room hoping Casey's okay.

She's asleep, talking in her sleep. Saying my name urgently. She might be having a nightmare, and I don't want to just leave her to suffer in a dream world.

I put my hand on her shoulder and say her name. She wakes up looking confused and she's out of breath.

She seems lost almost when I ask if she takes sugar in her coffee. Like I said something else or she was somewhere else in her head.

I know she's going to fight me about helping her dig out her car.

"that's what friends are for right?" I say to her.

As I'm getting dress something about that sentence feels weird almost as weird as I felt last night thinking of Casey in the guest room.

While I'm helping Casey free her car from it's frozen prison I keep thinking about that weird feeling that I've had since last night when Casey went to her room. I was probably just freaking myself out because I wasn't use to having someone around me like Casey was now.

She asks if I want to go take a break. I decline. She moves and slips falling to the ground making the cutest sound I've ever heard. I drop the scrapper for the ice and go to help her. She takes my hand and then I fall on my butt making a sound.

"oh my god."

Her face looks scared, like she just broke something precious. I can't help but laugh.

"I'm sorry you just looked- it was funny." I can't quiet describe the face.

"so you're saying I look funny?"

"no no you looked-"

I want so badly to say adorable, but I can't bring myself to say it. My laughter stops as I look in her piercing green eyes. They're hypnotizing almost.

I get up and help Casey up. We go inside to warm up. I kept holding her hand and I don't know why. I must have forgotten or something.

Casey is so sweet. We get inside and she wraps a blanket around me since I'm still shaking. I never do well with cold, but I toughed it out for Casey. I let her sit next to me wrapped in the blanket I hug her and lay my head on her shoulder. She's so warm. Hugging her is like hugging a teddy bear, it's comforting. I then remember her reaction the last time I hugged her, so I apologize. She says it's okay, but I know that there are boundaries with everyone. She's probably being polite. I turn on the tv to keep the situation from being awkward.

I try to focus on the television, but I can feel Casey's fingertips on my hand just barely touching it. I don't do anything because I don't mind the touching. I like it. I don't know why, but her light touch is so comforting and just feels so right. That weird feeling goes away, and a right feeling takes its place. Casey touching my hand feels right. I don't know what to do with this feeling. I've never felt it before. Even with Olivia, and I always thought she was my one and only. So, how can I feel so right with my friend touching my hand.

Oh god. I'm that clingy friend that just gets overly attached. I haven't had a true friend in ages. I wouldn't know how to be a friend if it smacked me in the face.

Get it together Alex, she's just accidentally touching you. It's nothing to her. Stop over analyzing it. She's just your friend. Your only friend.

An hour passed. Her hand was still on mine. I looked over and saw her eyes had shut. Her chest was rising with calm even breaths. She looks so peaceful, and beautiful. Do friends think their friends are beautiful or it that me being clingy. Whatever she still is. Even if she is just my friend.

After a while I decided to go and finish Casey's car for her. I kind of like having her staying here with me, but I'm pretty sure she'd like to get back to her life and not be stranded in my apartment.

She comes outside.

"sorry I would've finished." she said.

"no it's okay." I smile.

"well it looks all ready to go." I say to her.

"yeah." is all she says.

"thank you though for letting me stay and digging out my car you didn't have to." she tells me.

"anytime." I tell her.

"I'll see you though on Monday."

"yeah. I'll see you."

When she gets in her car and drives off I feel that all to familiar loneliness. I should've asked her to stay for dinner or left over chinese or something. Casey has her own life. She probably has things to do that are better than sitting in my apartment eating left over chinese.

Laying in bed all I can think of is Casey. She's all I've thought about since she left. I have that weird feeling again. Like something isn't right, and I know it has to do with her. The only time that feeling went away was when Casey had her hand touching mine. If there's a thing called a feeling machine that just tells me what the hell is going on in my head and why that would just make this so much easier.

Monday morning Casey comes in as usual with two cups of coffee. That weird empty feeling goes away. Something about Casey is different. Like she has this light I've never noticed before. My heart starts beating a little faster. That's when I realize what that weird feeling is. Why I like being around Casey. I like her. I realize this just as she's handing me the coffee. Her fingers touch mine and I feel a , I most definitely like her. What I plan to do I don't know, all I know is that Casey and I will never happen. she's far too good for me. She'd probably think I was weird. I mean come on I'm her supervisor, there must be some office rule against that right? Well there's no office rule against me just liking her. I'm sure this will pass, I'll get over it and in a month or two I'll look back and realize how stupid I am for over analyzing this whole thing. Thank god Casey can't read minds she probably would've run out completely creeped out by now.

Two weeks pass by. My liking Casey is only getting worse. When we go out to lunch sometimes I catch myself watching her lips as she takes a sip of her drink through a straw. I never use to be one to imagine, but every time I watch her lips enclose over the straw I wonder what it would be like to kiss her. Her lips look soft and are cute pink. When she bites her bottom lip I nearly lose it. She's just so sweet and adorable. Getting over this will be slot harder than originally planned, but then again I kind of don't want to get over it.

My thoughts and Casey's story come to a halt when she sees someone. Joy to the world.

"Olivia." She calls out.

Please don't walk over here. And she's walking over here.

Casey asks Olivia to sit down and join us. She sits in a chair at the end of the table.

"hi" I politely say.

"hey." She nods before turning to Casey.

They start talking I'm not really following their conversation. I don't like this at all. I don't like Olivia playing buddy buddy with Casey making her laugh and smile. I hate it actually. I just stare at Olivia as if she'll get the mental message that I want to spend time with Casey and not her, and she'll just go away. That doesn't work though she stays for a few more minutes until her order is ready. She says bye to Casey and not to me.

"you okay?" Casey asks.

"yeah fine." I say.

"you don't like Olivia."

"what makes you think that?"

"I don't know the way you look at her like you want to smack her. Not that it's any of my business."

"no it's just Olivia and I don't see eye to eye ever."

"oh sorry." Casey apologized.

"it's okay." I tell her.

"it's sort of my fault anyway." I take a bite of my sandwich.

"what'd you do. Not give her a warrant or something."

"no I went into witness protection. I changed. She couldn't handle that I guess."

"what do you mean?"

"sorry I shouldn't say anything she's your friend." I say when I realize I've said too much.


	13. Chapter 13

**Author's Note: First I want to thank all my readers, and thank all of you who post reviews. I love this chapter. The idea for Olivia to start flirting with Casey is from iTrick, so thank you you just saved me from the deep dark abyss of writers block, I give you a virtual hug. So all the credit for that idea goes to iTrick. So please keep reading and reviewing.**

Ch. 13

Casey's POV

I didn't want to leave Alex's, but I didn't want to out stay my welcome. Especially after she just finished scrapping my car while I slept on her couch. For all I know she probably left because I was touching her hand, and she got weirded out.

When I get home my apartment it's empty and freezing as usual. I liked Alex's apartment it was everything my apartment wasn't. She was there it felt warm and welcoming. I missed her, but lets face it she probably had better things planned than spending her Friday night with me and Saturday shoveling my car from the frozen tundra hell Manhattan had become. For all I knew she was happy that I was gone now.

The next few weeks I start spending more time with Alex. We go out to lunch nearly everyday, or if we need to work we eat lunch in her office. I still bring her coffee every morning, and on occasion a muffin or something. She always smiles when I walk in in the morning. I love her smile, it makes me smile just sitting here thinking about it.

When we went out to lunch this afternoon I saw Olivia, I told her to sit with us. I hadn't gotten much time to spend with her since I'd come back, so I figured to have her sit down. As soon as she sat down Alex offered a simple hello, and didn't speak the rest of the time, nor did Olivia acknowledge her. I could feel the tension. As Olivia is talking I can't help but glance at Alex. Her eyes are slightly narrowed glaring at Olivia. The only other time I've seen that look on her was when she was glaring at a perp or a jack ass defense attorney. Olivia really must've pissed her off asking for a warrant or something. Olivia leaves and I'm quick to ask Alex if she's okay which she brushes off saying she's fine. Too bad for her I spend so much time looking at her I know when something is up.

"you don't like Olivia." I state.

"what makes you think that?" she asks.

"I don't know the way you look at her like you want to smack her. Not that it's any of my business."

I don't want to push her into telling me and make her mad, though I am concerned. I don't like this vibe Alex is giving off now.

"no it's just Olivia and I don't see eye to eye ever."

"oh sorry."

"it's okay. It's sort of my fault anyway."

What? What in the world could ever be her fault. To me Alex could never do any wrong. I guess Olivia thought differently.

"what'd you do? Not give her a warrant or something?"

"no I went into witness protection. I changed. She couldn't handle that I guess."

Well that's kind of stupid. Change or not to me Alex right now was perfect and amazing. How anyone could not like her baffled me.

"what do you mean?"

"sorry I shouldn't say anything she's your friend." she says.

It's not Alex's fault she was forced into witness protection and changed. Olivia shouldn't be mad at her because her life was turned upside down, and it changed her.

"if Olivia was really your friend she would've stuck by you." I tell her.

"I'm not exactly the easiest person to be around sometimes. Watch you'll get sick of me eventually." she says.

"you are ridiculously wrong." I tell her.

I was falling for Alex and it might not always be easy to be around her and keep my thoughts from running to dangerous places, but honestly I never felt more at ease and right being around someone than when I was with her. No one ever gave me the feelings she gives me every time she walks into the room. The butterflies in my stomach, the happy feeling I got every morning knowing I'd be spending my work day with Alex. The anticipation for lunch, and the cheery feeling I felt when we hung out on Fridays. It was a known fact that I would never tire of being around Alex.

"what?"

"just that you're umm really umm nice to be around that's it." I stutter a little.

"thanks." she shows a small smile.

She doesn't believe me. I take her hand which is sitting across the table.

"trust me." I say.

Today Alex has court, so it's just me at the DA's office. There's a knock on my door.

"Olivia hey."

"can I bother you for a warrant?" she asks.

"I'd have to run it by Alex first." I inform her.

"oh where is she?" she seems annoyed.

"court, she'll be back soon if you want to wait."

"alright." she says nervously.

She sits down.

"so how are you?" she asks.

"fine. How've you been?"

"good."

This was probably a long shot asking Olivia, but ever since the day at lunch when Alex told me about Olivia not liking her I couldn't help but wonder.

"can I ask you something?" I asked her.

"sure."

"Alex, you and her don't get along?"

"no not really."

"why?"

"just some differences, I don't want to bad mouth your supervisor or anything." she says brushing it off.

"differences?"

"never mind that. It's the past. I was wondering if you'd like to go out for drinks sometime? I haven't seen much of you since you came back." she quickly asks.

"oh yeah sure."

I had been spending all my time with Alex I'd sort of been ignoring Olivia.

We went out that Saturday. It was actually a lot of fun. I had always liked hanging out with Olivia.

When I got home I checked my phone. There was a text from Alex. I smiled seeing the text.

Olivia comes by my office a few times a week so we can grab lunch. I accept it because I feel like I've been blowing her off for Alex and I don't want to start trouble. Plus she did go out of her way coming here just to get lunch.

It's Friday. Olivia and I were suppose to hang out, but she got called in and just called me.

"alright bye." I say.

"hey I'm heading out." Alex says.

"okay." is all I say.

"are you busy tonight?" she asks.

"not anymore no."

"you umm want to go get some dinner. My treat." she said.

That butterfly feeling started again. I don't even have to think to say yes.

"you've been missing lately." Alex says when we sit down.

"sorry." I apologize.

"it's okay you have a life."

I don't respond. I don't want to tell Alex I've been hanging out with her enemy. I don't want her to hate me or something.

After dinner we go back to my apartment. I wasn't really thrilled the thought of Alex in my apartment, but she insists. I can't deny Alex. So here we are heading up to my apartment.

"sorry it's cold the heating sucks." I apologize.

"it's fine."

I open the door and let her inside. Most of the boxes are gone now the place isn't anywhere near as clean as her place.

"sorry about the mess."

"Casey it's fine I don't care about the mess, or the heat." she says.

"do you want something to drink?" I offer.

"water thanks. I like your place." she says.

She's being nice.

We sit on the couch talking like usual before we decide to watch a movie Alex. I let Alex pick the movie since she always lets me pick. She picks some romantic movie. I'm not usually into romantic comedies, but I'll sit through it if that's what Alex wants.

Halfway through the movie there's a knock on the door. I get up to answer it. It's Olivia with a bag of take out.

"I know I said we'd go to that chinese place, but Captain let me go early so I thought-"

"you already have company?" she almost accuses me.

"yeah Alex stopped by."

"Casey we were suppose to hang out." she half whines.

"well you had to work so I'm hanging out with Alex, and I already ate."

Wow I sound like a total bitch.

"Casey I-"

"you're welcome to stay and watch the movie, but I'm not kicking her out."

"fine." she comes in.

I feel awkward suddenly. I take my seat on the couch next to Alex. Olivia takes a seat on the other side of me. This should be interesting. No words exchanged between the two. What did I get myself into?

"is Netflix running out of movies or something?" Olivia laughed seeing the movie.

"no I've never seen it. Alex said it was good."

I can hear Olivia suck her teeth.

"I like it." I half lied.

I think I was trying to defend Alex's choice or something.

She leans her head on my shoulder.

"did you have a good day?" she asks.

"yeah sh." I say to Olivia as I watch the movie.

My glances go from the screen to Alex making sure she's okay.

The movie ends, and Olivia is quick to comment.

"thank god." Olivia says.

"I should go. It's late." Alex says getting up.

I don't want her to leave, but I hate this awkward tense vibe.

"bye Casey." she hugs me tightly.

I would've had butterflies and that hyper excited thinking if I didn't feel the death glare Olivia was giving searing through my back.

"bye Alex." I say.

"thank god that's over too." Olivia says as soon as the door shuts.

"please don't be mean to her. She's my- my friend."

"come on I was just joking Casey relax."

On Saturday Alex texts me asking to hang out. I'm about to leave my apartment when Olivia calls me reminding me that I'd made plans with her. I lie to Alex and tell her I'm suddenly not feeling well. I immediately hate myself for it. I never lied to Alex ever.

I spend the day with Olivia which was actually fun. For a while I forgot about my lie to Alex. Until I looked at my phone which had five texts with her asking if I was okay, or if I needed anything. She was too nice to me, especially since I lied to her. I texted her back that I was feeling much better and to not worry. It was horrible of me to let Alex worry about that I should've just said that I was busy running errands.

Monday I had court so I didn't see Alex at all. Which was only because I still felt like crap for lying to her.

Tuesday we had the first day of a trial, so we saw each other, but didn't really talk much until lunch which only further reminded me of my lie.

"are you feeling better?" she asked.

"yeah much. Just a headache." I lied.

"oh. You didn't text me back I was about to go break down your door and make sure you were still breathing." she half laughed.

"sorry I fell asleep." I said.

She didn't mention Friday night when Olivia dropped by thankfully.

I had fallen for Alex hard, but Olivia was still my friend. I couldn't just turn my back on her. I hated this whole awkward thing.


	14. Chapter 14

Ch. 14

Alex's POV

I don't know what the hell happened. For three weeks I was spending more time with Casey than without her, now I'm lucky if I see her at work. She's been spending all her time with Olivia. I hate the idea of Olivia and Casey alone together.

I have to keep from screaming every time I see Olivia go into that office to take Casey to lunch. I use to bring Casey's lunch or take her to lunch, but everyday like clockwork Olivia beats me to the punch and shows up either with a bag or to whisk Casey off to wherever she take her. Her dark lair or what ever.

I keep trying to find any opportunity to ask Casey to hang out. Not a date even though I wish it were, but no just to hang out. One Friday I find the perfect opportunity to grow a pair and ask her if she wants to grab dinner. She accepts. Her plans clearly got cancelled. I knew it was Olivia. I hated that I was Casey's second choice, but hey it was better than nothing.

I want to know where she's been lately if it's really with Olivia or if I'm just paranoid, but I never get to the root of it. We eat dinner with our usual exchange of stories and random conversations. Usually after we hang out we go to my place, but as of late I haven't really cleaned. It's an absolute mess. So we go to her apartment. I'm anxious and excited because I've never been in Casey's apartment. Where she sleeps, where she showers. Oh god Alex calm down. It's not like anything is happening.

It's smaller than my place, but it feels cozy knowing it's Casey's. She apologizes at the heat or lack there of, and then for the mess. I tell her it's fine. I don't care about the heat or the supposed mess. None of that matters. It's Casey I care about not her apartment. We sit down to watch a movie, she lets me pick it out. I picked the first movie that caught my eye. A romantic comedy.

I don't hear a knock on the door, but I do notice when Casey gets up off the couch. She's ten feet away in her own apartment and I already miss her. I don't turn around, but listen for who it might be. It's Olivia. Olivia. What is she doing here? I was spending time with Casey. She didn't need to be here. She's been hogging Casey the past few weeks. I want her to leave and just never come back.

"you're welcome to stay and watch the movie, but I'm not kicking her out." I hear.

Take that Olivia. Casey's not kicking me out she wants me here. Wait. Did she just invite Olivia in? No this was my time with Casey. She can't just intrude like that and expect me to leave. She doesn't own Casey. In my defense Casey chose to spend her Friday night with me. Maybe Olivia was who she was suppose to spend her Friday with, but Olivia cancelled. You can't just do that cancel and then just show up unannounced and expect Casey to drop everything for her. No that's not how it works. Olivia still has her weird ways of canceling because of work then showing up hours later trying to make up. Sorry Olivia Casey's too smart for that.

Casey sits in her rightful place next to me. I scoot a little closer to her. Olivia sits on the other side. Though I would much rather her sit on her own couch at home alone so I can finish my hanging out with Casey.

"is Netflix running out of movies or something?"

I knew she just wanted to make fun of me and that was her chance. She hated romantic comedies and would always leave the room when I watched them when we were together.

"no I've never seen it. Alex said it was good."

I smiled a little still staring at the screen. There was a warm feeling in my heart Casey was not having any of Olivia's sass towards me.

Olivia asks how Casey's day was. Casey quickly shushes her.

I look over and see Olivia's head on Casey's shoulder. She's really asking for me to run her over with my car. As if Olivia trying to be Casey's friend wasn't bad enough now she's trying to be all cuddly with her. I wanna be all cuddly with Casey. She's lucky she's a cop or I would actually run her over with my car. Casey only let her in to be polite anyway.

When the movie is over I decide it's time to go. I don't want to leave Casey, but I don't want to be around Olivia anymore. I make it a point to hug Casey tightly before I leave. There's a glare exchanged between Olivia and I.

I get home and throw my self on the bed and then scream into the pillow. I hate Olivia, I hate her, hate her, hate her. She's awful. How can she just sit there and put her head on Casey like that. I want that and more with Casey. I'm almost certain Olivia knows that too she's not stupid. Now she's just trying to piss me off.

On Saturday I text Casey and ask her if she'd like to hang out. She texts me back that she's sick. When she texts me back that she isn't feeling well I immediately text her back offering to go to the drug store, or come over or anything. It's been hours since I've heard from her. I'm really considering just going over to her apartment and making sure she's okay and not passed out on the floor or something. I hope she's okay and comfortable in her bed with extra blankets and is drinking plenty of water if she's that sick. When she texts me back finally I am so relieved. I expect a text saying she was at the doctor or something like that, but she texts me back that she's fine and not to worry. I am worrying, but at least she's alive.

On Monday I don't get a call that she called in sick. Hopefully she's okay at the office since I'm not there. On Tuesday we have a trial. She shows up early and with coffees for both of us. I smile and thank her as usual. She looks like she's fine. If she hadn't I would've made her go home. Since we have trial we have a later lunch. Later than Olivia's so I get to have lunch with Casey. I missed this.

"are you feeling better?" I ask as soon as we sit down.

"yeah much. Just a headache."

And here I was thinking she had the black plague or something.

"oh. You didn't text me back I was about to go break down your door and make sure you were still breathing." I laugh off my over worrying.

"sorry I fell asleep."

I don't know why I was worrying so much.

This week is different than the past few weeks. I actually get to go to lunch with Casey more, and Olivia never even crosses the conversation. Saturday Casey and I made plans. The best way to beat Olivia to getting Casey is if I plan ahead.

I wake up early since we planned to meet at noon and I want to look good. Easier said than done I can't find anything to wear and I can't figure out what to do with my hair. Should I straighten it, leave it wavy, up, down. How would Casey like it? Finally I decide to leave my hair wavy and down. Looking in the mirror I can't help but nit pick at everything about how I look. I make a risky move and unbutton the last two buttons of my shirt. It's a little bit dangerous. Funny, I never use to think like that. Dangerous and all. Casey makes me want to be dangerous. I usually play it safe but let's face it I like the woman I'm suppose to be supervising. Playing it safe was tossed out the moment I realize I liked Casey.

It turned out to be the perfect day we headed to get something to eat. We never settled on a place so we got something from a food cart. Casey insisted I try cheese fries. I'd never tried them before. I never really ate greasy cart food.

"come on they're delicious." Casey said.

We were sitting on a park bench. I was skeptical of the food.

"this isn't even cheese." I pointed out.

"come on try it." she held one up near my mouth.

"please." she said.

I looked at the fry and her fingers. Her long slim fingers. They were hypnotizing thinking about them. I took the fry with my teeth and ate it.

Casey jumped up saying yay and dancing around. She's adorable and cute. I can't help but laugh at how cute she is.

"what?" I asked.

"I convinced you to eat greasy cart food I think I deserve an award." she said sitting back down.

Boy would I like to award her alright, not for the greasy food though, but for her cuteness.

By the end of the day I had talked Casey into going ice skating. She was so uncoordinated while skating, so I had to hold her hand. I loved holding her mitten covered hand hand. It was better the day in my apartment when she fell asleep touching my hand because I was holding her hand, but what made it even better was that she was holding my hand right back. Watching her try to skate was so cute. She had a death grip on my hand.

When she was thrown off balance I tried to hold her up from slipping, but ended up losing my balance falling right on my back. She follows still holding my hand. She falls right on top of me smacking her head on mine. Time seems to freeze around me. She's laying on top of me. I look into her green eyes. She's looking into mine. I love her weight on me. I can feel myself getting turned on just her being on me fully clothed. Swallowing that lump in my throat I want to kiss her. I start moving my head off the ice to lean up and kiss her. This is it no turning back. I'm about to do it when some asshole. Yes asshole. The devil's spawn. Skids on the ice splashing ice shavings on us.

"get a room." he laughs skating away.

Casey immediately gets off me pulling me up.

"Alex are you okay?" she asks fussing over me.

"yes."

"you hit your head. I'm so sorry."

"no I'm fine."

I'm sad actually I really thought it was going to happen. What was I thinking it never would. I bumped my head I'm surprised I wasn't hallucinating with her face morphing into a giraffe or worse Olivia yikes. That jack ass kid took me out of what could've been the best moment of my life. Maybe it was for a reason, maybe I would've ruined my friendship with Casey. It just felt so right though like she wanted it to happen too. I guess not. It was so quick, but it felt like forever.

Casey takes me home after that and gets some ice for my head. She has me sitting on the couch wrapped in a blanket. I never let people fuss over me like this before, but I let her go on giving me tylenol and putting ice on my head. I want to tell her I'm fine so I wont worry her, but I don't want her to leave.

"I am so sorry." she apologizes for the millionth time.

"it's fine Casey really. It happens." I tell her.

Her phone starts ringing.

"sorry."

She picks it up looks at it then puts it back down without replying to the message.

"you can answer it my head wont explode." I joke.

"no it's just Liv. She can wait."

HA! Take that Olivia she's with me you'll have to wait your turn which if it were my way would be never and Casey would just stay here forever. If I also had my way we would've kissed. I wonder how that kiss would've been. How amazing it would've felt. How soft her lips would've been on mine. To just have her on top of me kissing her just the two of us in that moment.

"Casey there's something I need to tell you." I say.

"what?" she looks nervous.

Oh god. She knows, she's scared. I can't. She'll be totally freaked out. Don't push it Alex.

"ummmm…" think!

"umm I feel much better, but umm I'm kind of tired."

What no now she's gonna think I wanna kick her out. No. I definitely do not want her to think I'm kicking her out.

"if you're tired you can stay I mean if you want."

"it's only 7 o'clock." she laughs a little.

"oh right, right." and I look like an idiot. Nice going Alex.

"how about I go pick up some food. Cheese fries really doesn't count as a meal anyway. I'll buy you a real meal." she says.

When she leaves I get up and run to the bathroom to make sure I look okay. I fix my hair and makeup, and my clothes. With the exception of the nasty bump on my forehead I look pretty good.

She comes back with the food. We just sit on the couch eating and talking. I love when Casey talks. Her voice is deep and beautiful. How it's raspy and sometimes it gets a little husky. It's unbelievably sexy and like music to my ears.

It's late by the time we look at the time. We've talked all night practically. Casey decides to stay. I get excited because I love her being here. I love being around Casey so much. We say goodnight and I hug her tightly. It's not the kiss and she's not coming into my bed so I can hold her, but it's something she's here with me and that's all that matters right now.


	15. Chapter 15

Ch. 15

Casey' POV

I've spent most of this week with Alex instead of Olivia. I missed being with Alex all the time. Thankfully it's not awkward. After the whole Olivia barging in on our hanging out I was scared it would be awkward.

That Saturday we hang out. I got Alex to try cheese fries. I stood up and danced around like an idiot so proud of myself. Sure I probably looked stupid, but Alex was laughing and that was enough motive to keep on. Her pouty face then got me to agree to ice skating. I'm horrible at ice skating. The ice literally has it out for me. Alex offers her hand and I take it. That perfect hand. My life line on this frozen slippery death wish, and a physical connection to the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on. I get the craziest shivers running up my spine. I would say it was the cold air if they weren't so intense. Then it happens. I was being so slick skating and not falling on my ass and here we go I'm wobbling like a crazy person. Alex has her hand on me trying to steady me. In the process she loses her balance and falls on her butt. I'm about to help her up when I slip and fall on to her.

I'm laying on top of Alex. Oh god. No Casey do not let your mind go there, and it went there. This feels so right. Just like when I'm around her or hugging her or holding her hand. I look into her eyes. Something tells me I should go for the kill swallow my pride and kiss her right there on the ice. No this can't be real she's moving her face towards me. I'm dreaming. This is a dream. I'm ready to take in this dream I'm convinced I'm having when we're covered in ice by some jerk. I'm brought back to earth. She was probably just trying to get up, but was being crushed by me. I help her up. She has a red spot on her head and my head aches a bit indicating we smacked heads. I panic and start asking if she's okay. This was all my fault with my terrible coordination on the ice. I just had to keep holding her hand didn't I.

We get to her apartment where I get her some ice for her head and tylenol. I hope she doesn't hate me for making her hit her head. She has an awful bump. As I'm trying to make her feel better my phone buzzes. I look at the screen it's from Olivia I don't read the message. She'll just have to wait I'm taking care of Alex after I almost broke her head. I silence the phone and put it back down.

"you can answer it my head wont explode." she laughs

"no it's just Liv. She can wait." I focus back on Alex.

"Casey there's something I need to tell you." she says.

She's going to tell me to stop being overly attached and to leave her alone. Or about what happened skating. Why did I think I could try and kiss her and get away with it she noticed, and now she's going to turn me down.

"what?"

"umm I feel much better, but umm I'm kind of tired. If you're tired you can stay I mean if you want."

"it's only 7 o'clock." I tell her.

I can't help but laugh a little at her stuttering and cuteness.

"oh right, right."

I offer to go and get some dinner for us. When I get back we just sit on the couch talking. I could talk to Alex forever. She listens really listens, and when she talks I can't help but be completely mesmerized by her voice and her words. I start mentally hitting myself for not kissing her today.

She hugs me before we go to bed. Without fail the butterflies in my stomach start up. I smell her wonderful hair. With the exception of the ice skating incident and the kiss that didn't happen today was perfect. We could've done nothing at all except even just sitting and talking, but just the fact I spent the whole day with Alex makes it perfect. I fall asleep thinking about the day I had with her and how my life would be had I kissed her in my perfect world. I might be in her bed right now still kissing her. Okay so maybe I'm not falling asleep just laying in Alex's guest bedroom thinking about what I'd be doing to her if we were in her bed kissing. The way I'd touch her and please her. Caress every curve on her body. So much for sleeping.

"you never texted me." Olivia says.

We're sitting in my office while she's waiting for me to finish paperwork on a case, so she can do her half.

"umm I was at Alex's I-"

"you're spending an awful lot of time with Alex." she points out.

My face starts getting warm. Must resist blushing.

"we work together."

Okay that was the worst attempt at deflecting a detective's observation I've ever seen.

"on Saturday's at 7 o'clock?"

"yes."

She didn't say anything else about the matter, because Alex walked into the office.

"Casey umm…"

Olivia turns and looks at her.

"umm I was wondering if you wanted to grab lunch since I got out of my meeting early."

I smile brightly at Alex ready to say yes when Olivia interjects.

"we had plans." Olivia points out.

Damn it I forgot.

"but you're welcome to join." she adds.

No. I hate them two near each other. It's horrible. Awful. Awkward. Olivia is a good friend, but when I'm with Alex I want it to be us two no interruptions. Oh but I can't just leave her here. I know her and Olivia don't get along, but I admire Olivia's ability to look past that and invite her.

"Casey." Olivia brings me out of my thoughts.

"yeah?"

"is that okay?" she asks.

"yeah sure of course."

Alex goes to her office to grab her purse. We leave and I hope that this wont be half as awkward as that night in my apartment. Olivia sits on the same side of the booth as me. She's really quick about it too. I don't mind it. Sitting across from Alex now I can look at those beautiful blue eyes.

I was just talking when all the sudden I feel a hand on my leg. Startled I shake a little and stop speaking. I look down and it's Olivia's hand on my leg

"you okay?" Alex asks at my sudden reaction.

"I have to use the bathroom excuse me." sliding out of the booth.

What just happened. That was really weird. I stay in the bathroom for a few minutes to gather my thoughts. I don't know why that freaked me out so much. What was Olivia doing? Was it an accident or something? Then I realize I just left Alex with Olivia. That can't be good. When I get back Alex is gone.

"Alex got a call some work emergency." Olivia said.

I felt sad Alex was gone now.

"did she need me or anything?"

"no umm sit." she tells me.

I sit back where Alex had been sitting. Her drink is still there. Olivia has a smile on her face. I give a small smile. I wish Alex hadn't left. I feel that empty feeling now that she's gone. She didn't even say bye.

When I get back to the office Alex isn't there. I ask the secretary where she is. The secretary hasn't seen her since we left for lunch.

Alex is never not here without telling me.

"she had a meeting or something mind if I ask who with?"

"no not on her calendar or messages."

"oh okay thanks."

I text Alex asking if she's coming back. It's now the end of the day and I still have yet to get a reply or be called back. That's so unlike Alex to just up and leave work without telling me.

The next day she calls in sick. Okay now I'm really worried. She leaves in the middle of lunch yesterday for some emergency and now all the sudden she's sick. I call her as soon as I get into my office and get no answer. I keep trying every so often. Finally she does answer it's almost 1 o'clock.

"hello."

Her voice is scratchy and dry.

"Alex are you okay? Do you need anything?" I ask.

"Casey?" she asks.

"yeah?"

"I'm fine stop calling me please."

Crap I woke her up. I knew I was being pushy. She's sick and needs her sleep and I'm keeping her from it.

"are you okay do you need anything. I can stop by the store and get whatever you need." I tell her.

"no no. It's okay. Just stay at work. Please don't come over." she says.

"okay." Lies.

"thanks you for your concern though. I'll see you tomorrow."

I hang up after saying goodbye. Like hell she'll see me tomorrow. She sounded like she was dying or something no way in hell am I leaving her alone.

I stop by the drug store and buy flu and cough medicine, ginger ale, and a few other things tissues and such.

I call Alex.

"what?"

"can you please come open your door?" I ask.

"what?"

I hear footsteps and the lock of the door turning.

She looks awful. I mean Alex could never look awful, but she looks like she feels awful. Dark circles under her blood shot eyes that lack their usual sparkle. Her skin is almost translucent. Her hair is messy compared to its usual. She still has on her pajama's.

"I told you not to come over." she says.

"you sounded horrible. I figured I'd stop by and make sure you weren't dying." I said.

She takes a breath and opens the door. Her place is a mess things on the floor, broken glass on the kitchen floor. It looks worse than my apartment on a bad day.

"I brought you some stuff." I put the bag on the table.

"Casey."

"I didn't know what was wrong so I just got medicine that covers everything. Oh and ginger ale in case your stomach is off. You should be drinking plenty of fluids. ginger ale usually-"

"Casey." she raises her voice.

I look at her.

"you need to stop." she tells me.

"sorry. Umm I got tissues-" I soften my voice.

"no Casey stop. I mean this. You need to go back to work, or home or wherever." she says.

"but-"

"please." she says.

Her tone tells me she's upset.

"Alex is everything okay. Did something happen?" I ask concerned.

"no I just need you to get out of here please." she says.

"Alex if-"

"get out." she nearly screams.

My body freezes. What did I do. What happened? I want to know why Alex is so upset and sick. If she even is. Maybe she's so upset she got sick. I hate seeing her like this.

She yells it again. I don't want to leave her. I want to hug her and hold her and let her cry and listen to what's wrong. I want to make her feel better and make her pain go away.

"Alex if you just let me listen I-"

"no Casey get out. You can't help me. Get out now." she points to the door.

I don't know what else to do.

"Alex please."

"leave. I don't want to see you. Just go."

Her words leave a stinging pain in my chest. A tear runs down my cheek, so I leave. She follows me out the door. I turn around once I'm in the hall she slams the door in my face.

I get to my car and I really break down. I just wanted to help her and I was too pushy. She said not to come over I should've fucking listened. I just wanted to make her feel better. I can't stand to think of Alex sick or upset or anything but happy. Now she's angry because of my showing up. I wipe my tears on my sleeve and I notice I keep saying I'm sorry. Who's going to hear me. It's not like Alex can, and it's not like she'd accept it either. I'm sorry I fell for her, and I'm sorry I can't help her and make her feel better right now. I'm sorry. I just wanted to be a person in her life she could always rely on regardless of if she liked me back. I always wanted to be there for Alex.


	16. Chapter 16

**Author's Note: Alright a bunch of people kept asking in the reviews to update again today. I wasn't really planning to, but I also didn't want to be a huge bitch and leave you all hanging, so I'll give you guys this chapter since you asked and I finished it early. So drum roll please I give you all Chapter 16. **

Ch. 16

Alex's POV

I wasn't suppose to see much of Casey today because I had a meeting, so when I get out early and realize I have time to get a late lunch with her I'm ecstatic. That is until I see Olivia in her office. I hope she didn't already make plans with Casey. Oh well, I ask Casey to lunch anyway.

"we had plans." Olivia gives me a dirty look.

Stay calm, stay calm.

"but you can join us." Olivia says.

Wait what? Did Olivia just ask that. Just last week she was gunning to kick me out of Casey's apartment. Now she's inviting me.

"is that okay with you?" Olivia asks Casey.

She seems to have spaced out. She comes out of it and welcomes me to join.

As soon as we get there Olivia sits next to her as if trying to race me. I'm really not in the mod to play stupid games right now. I'm here because Casey wants me here. When she's talking she suddenly stops talking I ask her if she's okay. She then excuses herself to the bathroom. As soon as she's out of sight Olivia speaks up.

"she's never going to want to be with you." Olivia says.

"excuse me?"

"Casey. I see the way you look at her. She's not going to want to be with you Alex."

"I don't think that's any of your business."

"Casey's my friend. It is my business to look out for her. You're not good for her. You have too much baggage don't you think she deserves better than that."

Olivia isn't Casey's friend I am. She can pretend all she wants, but I will always be there for Casey. Olivia isn't genuine to Casey, not that I've seen.

"if you care about her I think it's better to not wrap her in your web. You wouldn't want to hurt her would you?"

"she's just my friend."

"Alex you and I both know that you want her to be more. Casey is a wonderful person, and I'm only saying this to save you both the hurt. Maybe it's better if you just let her go."

I want to scream at Olivia that she's wrong.

"but I like her." I said softly.

"she's never going to love you Alex don't you see that. She feels sorry for you. You need to stop clinging to everyone who shows you the least bit of attention come on don't you think it's a little desperate and immature. She can do way better than you anyway."

Who is she to talk she waited around three years for me never knowing if I'd ever come back again.

"you're wrong."

"you know deep down I'm not. You being with her will drag her down. Don't you think she's had enough crap already. She doesn't need anymore from you because you have what a little crush on her."

I get up out of the booth.

"I need to go. Tell Casey I said goodbye."

I wish Olivia wasn't right, but she is. I would bring Casey down if we were together just like I did with Olivia. I loved Olivia and I brought her down. She's right to make sure that doesn't happen to Casey. I've been so blinded by my attraction to Casey that I haven't been looking out for her best interest. If I care about her as much as I do I'll do anything to make sure I never hurt her. Just now I'm hurt by what Olivia said because it's the truth. I can't even stand to look at myself.

It's been weeks since I've drank and here I am just like before I met Casey. Crying my eyes out at the mess I've allowed myself become.

I want someone I'm almost certain could never love me back, someone who doesn't even know who I really am or how I really feel about her. I'm s failure and a complete let down to everyone I'm around, and I'm so infatuated with her I can't even breathe when I'm around her it's so intense. I care about her to much to do to her what I did to Olivia. I could never live with myself if I ever hurt Casey like I did Olivia. Casey's sweet and forgiving and I don't know if she'd ever look twice at it like Olivia did. She wouldn't leave no matter what I do. I know that. That's why I'm so attracted to her because she's a good forgiving person who doesn't hate anyone. She loves too much, and I can't have someone like her care for me because I don't deserve it. I don't deserve Casey as a lover or a friend or anything where I could personally hurt her.

I can't bare to get out of bed the next day. I call in sick to work. I don't want to see Casey and know that I'll let her down. But she keeps calling and I don't answer. Damn her caring. I did this to myself, I don't need to be cared for it makes me feel worse.

Finally at 1 o'clock I can't stand it anymore. I hate leaving her worried like that it's not fair to her.

"hello."

"Alex are you okay? Do you need anything?" she quickly asks.

I want to break down and cry.

"Casey?"

"yeah?"

"I'm fine stop calling me please." I half beg.

"are you okay do you need anything. I can stop by the store and get whatever you need."

She needs to stop caring about me.

"no no. It's okay. Just stay at work. Please don't come over."

"okay."

"thanks you for your concern though. I'll see you tomorrow." a thank you is the least she deserves.

I hang up the phone and start crying. I don't deserve someone like her. My phone starts ringing again and it's her. She tells me to open the door. That's it I have to tell her she needs to stay away from me. I don't want to, but I have to. If I care about her I have to put her before me. That means pushing her away because I don't ever want to cause her pain. How though she's never going to believe it's for her own good.

"I told you not to come over." is the first thing I say to her.

"you sounded horrible. I figured I'd stop by and make sure you weren't dying."

I let her in even though I looked like crap and so did the apartment.

"I brought you some stuff." she put a plastic bag on the table.

"Casey." I try to get her attention

"I didn't know what was wrong so I just got medicine that covers everything. Oh and ginger ale in case your stomach is off. You should be drinking plenty of fluids. ginger ale usually-" she starts rambling.

"Casey." I try again this time she looks up at me.

"you need to stop." I'm firm.

"sorry. Umm I got tissues-" she lowers her volume.

"no Casey stop. I mean this. You need to go back to work, or home or wherever." I clarify

"but-"

"please." I'm near tears begging.

"Alex is everything okay. Did something happen?"

"no I just need you to get out of here please."

I don't want to do this to her, but what choice do I have.

"Alex if-"

"get out." I yell.

That's the only way she's going to listen, and it breaks my heart to yell at her.

I yell it again. In reality I just want to break down and cry in her arms and tell her how I really feel about her, and what Olivia said.

"Alex if you just let me listen I-"

She needs to stop caring about me. It's making this a million times harder.

"no Casey get out. You can't help me. Get out now."

"Alex please." she pleads

"leave. I don't want to see you. Just go."

I didn't mean any of it, but I just can't look at her right now it hurts too much. She walks out and even though that's what I wanted I still didn't want her to leave. I wanted to pull her back inside beg for forgiveness and hug her.

Instead I slam the door and cry silently. You know that cry where you cry so badly no sound comes out. I tried so hard not to hurt her I think I ended up hurting her anyway. I just want her to be happy. I could never give her that.

When I do go back to work the following Monday I feel miserable. My body aches, my head is pounding and I feel sick as I keep going over how I treated Casey. Just the fact I did that makes me feel disgusted with myself.

"Ms. Cabot you still have your meeting at 2 o'clock." my secretary reminds me.

I look over at Casey's office. She isn't there.

"where's Casey?" I ask.

"called out sick today, not sure when she'll be back." she says.

She can't miss a lot of work McCoy will can her for that. I especially don't want her to miss work because of what I did to her.

I go up to McCoy's office and wait to see him. He calls me in. I waste no time as soon as I get in the chair I announce.

"Casey Novak needs a new supervisor."

"oh, and why is that?"

"because she just does. I can't give her what she needs here, she needs someone else."

"what brought this on? Is she not doing her work, lying?"

"no she's perfect, she does an amazing job, everything is right and on time, and I can assure you no lying. It's me. I'm the problem she needs someone else."

"you're one of my best ADA's Alex. What ever could be the problem with you?"

"she needs more than I can give her. She needs someone else. If not someone else I think she deserves to work on her own." I tell him.

"Alex calm down. I'm not giving Casey another supervisor."

"but-"

"let me finish. You were one of my best ADA's for a long time, but you lost your touch. I don't know what it was maybe the work was stressful and an extra set of hand was what you needed, or maybe it was something else, but ever since Casey started here you've started to become yourself again. Your Alex Cabot again. I wasn't sure about bringing Casey back I'm not a man who gives second chances easily, but she has also became Casey Novak, a better Casey Novak. You're both extremely good for each other. Your job was to give her guidance and you're doing a better job than anyone else probably can. You'll stay as her supervisor end of discussion. You work well together Alex. You don't always get that, and when you do you might as well stick with it. Have a good day."

Well that was a big waste of time. I get up and leave back to my office. Now what am I going to do. I'm never going to be able to look Casey in the eye knowing I've hurt her.

She comes back the next day and her attitude is cold.

"here." she tosses a stack of papers on my desk.

"thanks." I don't look up at her.

"did I miss anything yesterday?" she asks.

"no." I whisper.

She walks out of my office and to hers. She shuts the door. Her door is always open. Yep she hates me.

Casey refuses to talk to me or acknowledge me unless absolutely necessary which is next to never. I've never felt so small in my life than I do when Casey gives me the look of hurt and disappointment. I really screwed up. Olivia still goes into her office everyday like before. I wish that hasn't happened. I wish I had never listened to Olivia. This is exactly what she wanted for Casey and I to hate each other, or well for Casey to hate me and have Casey think I hate her. I can't believe I feel for her shit. She wasn't trying to protect Casey, she wanted to get rid of me. If she was trying to protect Casey she has a crap way of showing it.

Friday nights aren't the same, work isn't the same, nothing is the same. Nothing feels the same, and I hate that. For once in my life I was happy truly happy because of Casey, and I threw it all away because I was stupid enough to listen to Olivia.

I want Casey back. I would give anything to have her back. To go back and keep myself from pushing her away. She's the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I'm the worst that happened to her. No one should ever be treated like that just for being who they are. She's caring and sweet and is worth so much to me, and I treated her as if she meant nothing to me. I wish she knew she means everything to me.


	17. Chapter 17

Ch.17

Casey's POV

I feel horrible. I literally feel sick to my stomach, and I don't know what else to do. I don't know who else to turn to. I have no one. Well except Olivia. She might understand, and right now she's all I got.

"what happened?" she asks when she opens her apartment door.

"Alex, she- she-." I start crying again.

She lets me in and has me sit on her couch. I'm a mess right now.

"I don't know who else to talk to." I tell her.

"shh honey it's okay. Just breathe." she rubs my back.

I take deep breaths, and just when I think I'm calm the memories of Alex yelling at me come back and I break down again.

I don't know how long I cried, but it was a long time. Olivia held me and kept asking what was wrong. I didn't want to say it out loud. It hurt too much, but I needed help.

"Alex she called in sick so I went to her apartment yesterday to check on her. I was worried. She yelled at me and told me to go away, and- and- I just wanted to help." I manage to explain through my sobs.

"and she said she didn't want to see me. I was just trying to help her."

"it'll be okay."

"I don't understand what happened. I was being too pushy with her-"

"no Casey it's not your fault. It's her fault. She kicked you out and yelled at you. You cared about her you don't deserve that from anyone."

"but I was being pushy."

"Alex is just being Alex. She acts like she cares about you, but she's really just selfish. She has a problem, and she doesn't want help. There's no use trying Casey it's not healthy for you to stress about someone who doesn't even appreciate you."

"you're wrong she's different."

"no she isn't people don't just change Casey."

"but I love her Olivia."

"you deserve better." she looks in my eyes.

"you deserve to be treated better than that." she moves in closer.

What's happening? I turn my head away.

"Liv." I said.

"I'm flattered, but I love Alex." I tell her.

"you think you love Alex." she corrects me.

"I think I know my own feelings Liv. I'm in love with Alex."

"let me tell you something Casey. Alex is great. She's pretty, she's smart, she's everything you could ever want, but deep down she's just not a good person. Casey I care about. I don't want her to hurt you too."

"too?" I asked.

"I liked Alex once too, and she did the same thing to me she did to you. I know where you're coming from."

"did you ever tell her?" I asked.

"yeah, and it didn't end well at all. She was mad and called me creepy."

Well thank god I never told Alex.

"I don't want you to be another casualty in her storm. She's just not a good person." Olivia moves the strands of hair off my cheek.

"is that why you hate her."

"I don't hate her."

"how long did it take to get over it?"

"once I realized the kind of person she is and that I deserved better not that long. You'll see it in time."

But I didn't want to. Even though the way Alex treated me I still loved her. If she would never feel the same way though what's the point of being in love with her? How can I love someone I know will never love me back?

I don't know what comes over me, and I know it's wrong to lead Olivia on, but I kiss her on the lips hard as if trying to prove a point.

"I just want to feel better." I say when I break the kiss.

"what are friends for?" Olivia asks before kissing me again.

This is wrong to do this. I don't love Olivia, I don't even like her as anything more than a friend.

When she starts moving her hand up to my breast I get up.

"I have to go." I leave abruptly.

Great. Now I'm leading on my only friend. What the hell was I thinking? Is this my way at getting back at a woman who hurt me who will never love me? I don't want to hurt Olivia. She understands and I'm an emotional wreck right now.

I consider asking McCoy for a new supervisor, but I know he hates my guts and that's a long shot. I don't talk to Alex aside from asking when she needs something by or to tell her I finished some paper work. I don't look at her either. I can't look at her. I wish I could say I don't care for her anymore, and I hate her, but I can't. I'm mad at the situation. I told her she could always talk to me, and I always listen to her. I just want to know what it is that she can't come to me with, but I let it go. Maybe Olivia is right there's no helping Alex and I need to let it go.

Olivia is my only friend right now. I spend all the time I use to spend with Alex with Olivia. She understands what I'm going through with Alex which is comforting. She listens when I tell her I had a hard day at the office.

I need to move on from Alex. I need someone else, so now I have Olivia. Olivia is wonderful. She listens, and she cares about me, and I care about her. Not the same way as Alex because she's not Alex, but I do care for Olivia a lot. She makes me forget about Alex and everything that happened. That's what I need right now I need to forget what Alex said to me, and how I felt about her, because if I keep thinking about it I just might die.

As the days go by and turn into weeks I keep trying to forget how I felt for Alex because now I rarely see her or talk to her. I forgot how that spark in my spine felt or the butterflies in my stomach. Every time I'm near her I just think of her telling me she doesn't want to see me, and then what Olivia said and the feelings don't dare come up. Instead of crying now I'm numb.

"did you get my email?" Alex asks.

"no."

"we need to do trial prep today and tomorrow since it got moved up to next wednesday." she doesn't look at me.

"alright." I reply.

"is that okay?"

"like it matters." I mutter.

Since when does Alex care about how I feel? Or if something's okay with me?

"excuse me?" she asks.

"whatever." I leave her office.

I'm not looking forward to sitting in Alex's office later. I get there and sit down with my notebooks.

"let's get this over with." I say opening my folders and notebooks.

I want to get this over and done with and without issue, but sure enough.

"Casey are you even listening?"

"yes Ms. Cabot." I say sarcastically.

"if you don't want to be here you don't have to be."

"is that your way of kicking me out?" I ask her.

"that's my way of saying if you don't want to be here and work like an adult and grow up then go home." she snaps.

"fine then do the trial prep by yourself. I'm just your second chair bitch anyway." I leave the folder on her desk.

"Casey."

I look at her.

"what's gotten into you?"

"really Alex? Really?"

"look you can be mad about me all you want, hate me, I don't care, but I am not letting you throw your career away because of a fight."

"what's my career to you? You're just my babysitter McCoy still loves you. And a fight really you think that was just a fight Alex?" I grab my coat.

"you know for being so smart you really are dumb." I immediately regret my words.

"dumb? Where do you get off calling me dumb."

I walk out of the office.

"excuse me I'm talking to you. Casey." she yelled.

I get down to my car and I hear Alex.

"Casey wait." she comes up to me.

"what?" I turn around.

"we- we need to talk."

"we don't need to do anything." I open my car door.

"we need to talk." she shuts the door.

"what you need to do is leave me the hell alone, what I need to do is move on with my life. Now if you'd excuse me." I open the door pushing her out of the way.

She shuts the door again.

"I'm real tired of this Alex."

"just hear me-"

"no I'm done. I'm done letting you treat me like shit." she doesn't fight this time when I open the door.

I get in the car and I peel out of the garage leaving her there. Looking in my rearview mirror she's just standing there.

"...and then she has the nerve to chase after me." I tell Olivia.

She pours more wine in my glass.

"at least you stood up for yourself." she says.

"what the hell was I thinking." I take a sip of wine.

"who knows." she laughed.

The next afternoon I have to sit through prep with a witness and Alex. This witness is really starting to get on my nerve. She isn't answering the question Alex is asking her and we're not even at trial yet. The girl leaves a while later.

She takes off her glasses and pinches the bridge of her nose.

"is it Friday yet?" she asks.

"keep asking myself the same thing." I smile.

She laughs and smiles. Then there's quiet and the smile fades as if she just remembered something.

"so I'll finish here. You can go to lunch." she tells me.

"do you need help?"

"no I'm all set."

I get up and go towards the door. When I look back she's already shuffling through files.

Olivia's going on about her day so far, or a case. I'm not paying much attention. I haven't even made a dent in my burger. I'm just staring into space lost in thought.

"did you ever wonder if you made the right choice? Not liking Alex anymore even after she hurt you?" I ask her in the middle of her story.

She pauses and looks down at her hands then puts them in her lap.

"no."

"do you?" she asked.

"no."

I'm really not sure whether that's the truth or a lie. I'm not sure about anything anymore.

Saturday night I'm sitting in my apartment by myself it's pouring rain outside and I'm occupied with paperwork, tv re runs, and left over pizza. There's a knock on my door. I turn the tv down and go answer the door.

Opening the door I recognize the person who's soaking wet.

"Alex."

She's in her coat shivering from the rain.

"we need to talk." is the first thing she says.

I let her inside and shut the door behind me.

"okay then let's talk."

She comes in and turns around.

"you probably don't want to listen to me, but-"

"no Alex-"

"please just let me say this you can ignore me but I have to say it because if I don't I'll go insane."

I look up at her, and I am listening.

"Casey I am so sorry for how I hurt you. There's no excuse for how I acted, and you have every right to be mad at me. It's just- I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I don't have any right to ask for your forgiveness. You can kick me out and yell and scream at me call me whatever you want. But no matter what you do I just want you to know I am truly truly sorry. You're my friend, my best friend, I care about you so much. You don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially me. You deserve so much better than me and my crap. You're an amazing person, and the fact that I treated you like that is sickening because you deserve so much better. You deserve the world Casey. I'm just sorry that I made you feel otherwise because you are absolutely the most amazing person I have ever known." over the course of her apology she's broken down sobbing.

Alex Cabot crying. Crying over me.

"I just wish I could've treated you better." she adds.

Her tears come streaming down mixed with the rain water stuck to her face.

I'm at a loss for words and then that spark starts up again.


	18. Chapter 18

**Author's note: I would've updated yesterday, but I wanted to make sure this chapter was perfect and I spent a good twenty minutes crying and feels and all that. I'm still trying to recover. Thank you for all your reviews and reading this story. So keep reading and reviewing. I will try to update today, so enjoy. **

Ch. 18

Alex's POV

One day when Casey and I need to do some trial prep. She looks less than happy to see me. I don't blame her, but I hate the fact she isn't doing her job and listening. She can hate me all she wants, but it's the victim we have to look out for when we're working. She needs to set this aside and focus.

"Casey are you even listening?" I ask her.

"yes Ms. Cabot."

"if you don't want to be here you don't have to be." I remind her.

"is that your way of kicking me out?"

"that's my way of saying if you don't want to be here and work like an adult and grow up then go home." she snaps.

"fine then do the trial prep by yourself. I'm just your second chair bitch anyway."

That's not true she's not my second chair bitch. She's my everything.

This isn't her. This isn't me either.

"Casey. what's gotten into you?"

"really Alex? Really?"

Okay bad question.

"look you can be mad about me all you want, hate me, I don't care, but I am not letting you throw your career away because of a fight."

It would kill me to see this fight go so far that Casey loses her job because of it.

"what's my career to you? You're just my babysitter McCoy still loves you. And a fight really you think that was just a fight Alex?"

No it's not just a fight. This is turmoil, this is the worst thing I could've imagined ever happening between Casey and I.

"you know for being so smart you really are dumb."

"dumb? Where do you get off calling me dumb."

Her words hurt, but I can't tell her that because she doesn't care.

She walks out of the room and I feel that sadness and emptiness I felt when she left my apartment that day.

No way in hell am I letting her walk out again. I need to go get her.

"excuse me I'm talking to you. Casey."

I follow after her down the stairs because I'll never catch her in the elevator. I get down to the garage and she's almost to her car.

"Casey wait."

"what?" she asks coldly.

"we- we need to talk." I say nervously.

"we don't need to do anything." Her words sear into my head.

She opens her car door.

"we need to talk." I'm more forceful.

"what you need to do is leave me the hell alone, what I need to do is move on with my life. Now if you'd excuse me." she pushes me out of the way.

I shut the door again.

She looks pissed at me. Angry. I've never seen her like this before.

"I'm real tired of this Alex."

"just hear me-" I beg her.

"no I'm done. I'm done letting you treat me like shit." she opens the door.

Her words paralyze me to keep trying.

She drives away and I'm left in the parking garage alone.

Why did I let her leave again. Why did I ever let this happen. I should've told Olivia to shut up so she couldn't put those things in my head. I already thought I wasn't good enough for Casey why'd she have to make it worse. Now I really wasn't good enough for Casey because I treated her like she was worth nothing to me.

Trial prep the next day was a little easier. I didn't want to talk about things because that wasn't going to help anything. She did make me smile a little though. I hadn't smiled since the day I left the restaurant. She laughs a little too. I love her laugh there's just that little glimpse of the real Casey, my Casey. The Casey I can't ever stop thinking about. Not the one who nearly ran me over with her car last night.

Saturday I wake up and I feel horrible. I keep going over what I said to Casey and I'm disgusted. It hurts to know I caused her pain. Nothing matters without her anymore. I feel dead and empty inside. More so than when I was in witness protection even. I miss Casey so much it hurts to think about her let alone look at her. Every time I look at her it feels like getting shot over and over again. I cry every night regretting what I've done to her. She hates me and I still want her. I want her more than anything else in the world right now. The one person I never wanted to see get hurt by anyone or anything and I'm the one who hurt her.

What's the point of it all? What am I doing here? I'm horrible for hurting such a wonderful person. So what is the point of my still being here? I don't know why I'm still alive anymore. I don't have a reason to wake up anymore. I can't eat, I can't sleep, work is down the tubes because everything reminds me of Casey. That stupid guest bedroom even. I had to throw those blue pajamas she wore when ever she slept over in the back of the closet because they faintly smell like her.

When I look in the mirror I'm disgusted by who I see.

I never use to drink because Casey made me happy. Every time I'd get the urge to drink I'd think of Casey, and what she'd think if I slipped. Now it doesn't even matter because I've already hurt her.

But yesterday I didn't drink. I couldn't because I kept thinking of her, and that small little piece of her that came out when she laughed. That moment when all the bad stuff sort of just went away for a bit and it was just the two of us. I wanted that, just the two of us. I wanted to be with her more than anything else in the world.

Over the day I went back and forth in my head whether or not to call her, or just go over there, or not apologize because I'm scared. I'm so scared that she'll reject me. That she wont listen, and that she'll still be this angry person she's become that isn't Casey. I can't take this sitting back and not being there for her anymore. I don't want to hurt her anymore. I just want her to know how sorry I am.

I get in the car and drive over to her apartment. I keep rehearsing what I want to say because in no way am I allowing myself to say something stupid again. Casey is going to get the most genuine and best apology I can give her. I hope I can do it right.

Stepping out of the car the rain's picked up. Looking up at the building I suddenly feel nervous. What if I can't apologize right, or I hurt her more. I wouldn't blame her if she never wanted to see me again or kicked me out, but it would kill me. It was already killing me, but that would be it. Without Casey I'm nothing. I have to do this I have to apologize and right my wrongs.

I'm soaking wet and I look ridiculous probably, but this needs to be done. At the end of it it's not going to matter how I look, just the apology. I knock on her door when I hear the tv inside and I know she's home.

I can hear her footsteps on the other side of the door. I take a breath when the door lock clicks and the door opens.

"Alex."

She's got her hair up in a ponytail, wearing sweat pants and an over sized grey sweatshirt, and bright blue fuzzy socks. She looks so adorable.

"we need to talk." I tell her.

I wait for her to yell at me to go away, and slam the door in my face. She instead opens the door and lets me inside.

"okay then let's talk."

I look in her green eyes.

"you probably don't want to listen to me, but-" I start.

"no Alex-"

"please just let me say this you can ignore me but I have to say it because if I don't I'll go insane." I stop her.

"Casey I am so sorry for how I hurt you. There's no excuse for how I acted, and you have every right to be mad at me. It's just- I want you to know how truly sorry I am. I don't have any right to ask for your forgiveness. You can kick me out and yell and scream at me call me whatever you want. But no matter what you do I just want you to know I am truly truly sorry. You're my friend, my best friend, I care about you so much. You don't deserve to be treated that way by anyone especially me. You deserve so much better than me and my crap. You're an amazing person, and the fact that I treated you like that is sickening because you deserve so much better. You deserve the world Casey. I'm just sorry that I made you feel otherwise because you are absolutely the most amazing person I have ever known." I've started crying now because I know I've done her wrong, and because I'm so scared she'll hate me still.

"I just wish I could've treated you better."

She hasn't said anything yet. I try to collect myself and stop crying, but I can't because every second she doesn't say something I get more and more scared she'll scream at me. A tears falls down her cheek.

"I don't know what to say." she starts.

Another few seconds. She wipes the tear off her cheek.

"I care about you Alex I really do. I was just trying to help you and be there for you like you deserve. I don't know what I did to make you so angry at me."

"you didn't do anything to make me angry Casey. You never could. I was mad at someone else and I took it out on you. I took it out on someone I love."

Her face drops.

"what?" she asks.

"I love you Casey. I love you. Call me your clingy friend and never talk to me again, but the truth is Casey I'm in love with you. I can't keep going on like this you angry at me. It doesn't matter what anyone else says because I love you, and that's why I did what I did. I'm not a good person and I couldn't live with myself knowing I hurt you. I didn't want to run the risk hurting you if I stayed your friend. I was trying to protect you and I was trying to avoid hurting you and I did it anyway. I hurt you, and I can't live with myself because I love you and I never want to see you and pain and I'm causing that pain. I am so sorry." I cried to her.

"Alex it's okay I forgive you." she hugs me tightly.

"I acted the way I did because I was scared that at what I might've done to make you so mad at me. I couldn't stand that you were mad at me. It hurt so bad to think you were mad at me, because I love you too Alex."

"I was never mad at you I-"

I grab her arms and pull her off me and look into those green eyes.

"what?"

"I love you Alex. I have for a long time. Since the day I met you I've been in love with you. I was hurt by what you did, but I still love you. I still loved you even after that. I was never really mad I just couldn't stand being in love with someone who I thought would never love me back, and I never had a chance with. But nothing can ever make me stop loving you Alex. You're not a bad person you're the most wonderful person I've ever known."

I just look in her eyes. Like that day on the ice, and whenever she's around me it just feels perfect and right. I put my hand on her cheek and whip away the tears that fall. She's smiling though.

Leaning in our faces get closer and closer nearly touching. Our lips come together and it's perfect. Her lips are soft against mine. They're perfect and better than I could've imagined. I don't even care that I can taste pizza sauce it's still perfect. She puts her arms around my neck and leans in deeper to the kiss. I never want this moment to end. She's smiling into the kiss I can feel it. The way our lips move it's as if we were meant for each other. Like to pieces of a puzzle that just fit together. It's slow and soft. I don't want to push Casey too far. I might've pushed it too far apologizing and admitting my love for her in one day.

We don't break the magic kiss until we both need air. My lips still tingle even after she's left them.

"this is going to sound bad but you need to get out of these clothes." she laughed.

"oh?" I raise my eyebrow.

"you're soaking wet and it's freezing in here." she laughs putting her nose against mine.

"it is." I laughed.

She lets me borrow some sweat pants and throws my wet clothes in the dryer. She leads me to the couch and we sit down. Leaning in for a kiss I stop her.

"will you let me take you out? Like on a date." I ask her.

"do you have to ask."

"I want to treat you right Casey of course I have to ask." I tell her.

"yes. I would love to go on a date with you." she smiles.

"but."

My stomach jumps.

"you have to let me take you on a date too."

I smile brightly.

"yes." I say.

She comes in closer and we start kissing again. She's being gentle and slow. I feel her tongue tickle my bottom lip. I go to open my mouth and let her in but she pulls away quickly.

"I am so sorry." she apologizes.

"it's okay Casey I'm not going to break. I'll go with whatever pace you want." I tell her.

"I don't want to rush anything though." she looks at her lap.

"it's okay."

I tilt her head up and kiss her. Her tongue is right there. I let her in. I take her hand which has been on my arm and I move it down to my thigh. I want her to know it's okay and I want her touch more than anything. She starts rubbing my thigh slowly. I'm getting more and more turned on. She's barely spent ten seconds touching me and I'm already turned on beyond belief.

This morning when I woke up, and in the car over here never did I think I would end up on Casey couch making out with her and holding her. I hope I can do it right this time and love her the way she deserves and treat her right.

We just sit on the couch looking in each others eyes. She has her fingers twirling a piece of my hair.

"I'm sorry for calling you dumb and almost hitting you with my car." she tells me.

"it's okay. I was pretty dumb."

"you're not dumb. You're most certainly very very smart." she places a kiss on my lips.

"for a blonde I mean." she adds playfully.

"that's it I'm never kissing you again." I tell her.

"oh really? Well then I don't want to kiss you anyway. Your blondness might be contagious."

I grab her and get on top of her she's laughing. I kiss her.

"well that threat barely lasted half a second." she laughs.

"you're just so irresistibly cute. I can't not kiss you."

"you think I'm cute?" she asks.

"that's putting it lightly but yes."

"have you ever seen the Rudolph movie?"

"yeah."

"do you remember that scene where Clarice tells Rudolph he's cute and he starts flying around and is all excited."

"mmhmm."

"well if I could I'd fly like Rudolph because the beautiful Alex Cabot thinks I'm cute." she smiled.

I couldn't help but laugh. God, I love this woman I'd have to be mad not to.


	19. Chapter 19

Ch. 19

Casey's POV

I love Alex, and her words are making me tear up.

"I don't know what to say."

"I care about you Alex I really do. I was just trying to help you and be there for you like you deserve. I don't know what I did to make you so angry at me." I explain.

"you didn't do anything to make me angry Casey. You never could. I was mad at someone else and I took it out on you. I took it out on someone I love."

Love? Did she say love? She loves me? Am I dreaming?

Those butterflies in my stomach come, and I feel that tingle and spark.

"what?"

"I love you Casey. I love you. Call me your clingy friend and never talk to me again, but the truth is Casey I'm in love with you. I can't keep going on like this you angry at me. It doesn't matter what anyone else says because I love you, and that's why I did what I did. I'm not a good person and I couldn't live with myself knowing I hurt you. I didn't want to run the risk hurting you if I stayed your friend. I was trying to protect you and I was trying to avoid hurting you and I did it anyway. I hurt you, and I can't live with myself because I love you and I never want to see you and pain and I'm causing that pain. I am so sorry." she cries.

Alex Cabot is in love with me? What just happened? Oh my god Alex is in love with me. I'm so happy I smile and hug her.

"Alex it's okay I forgive you. I acted the way I did because I was scared that at what I might've done to make you so mad at me. I couldn't stand that you were mad at me. It hurt so bad to think you were mad at me, because I love you too Alex." I tell her.

"I was never mad at you I-"

She takes me off her and looks at me.

"what?"

"I love you Alex. I have for a long time. Since the day I met you I've been in love with you. I was hurt by what you did, but I still love you. I still loved you even after that. I was never really mad I just couldn't stand being in love with someone who I thought would never love me back, and I never had a chance with. But nothing can ever make me stop loving you Alex. You're not a bad person you're the most wonderful person I've ever known." I admit to her.

She touches my cheek and wipes away the few tears. I'm smiling because she didn't call me creepy and she loves me back.

As our faces are getting closer I wait for that interruption and to just wake up all this having been a dream. Her lips meet mine and my heart is beating so fast I think I might have a heart attack. This kiss is what I've been waiting three months for. It's wonderful. Perfect actually. The way our lips move is like some sort of rehearsed dance. My hands are getting cold from Alex's soaked jacket she must be freezing in this stupid heatless apartment.

"this is going to sound bad but you need to get out of these clothes."

"oh?" she raises an eye brow.

I'd like nothing more than to get her out of these clothes and make love to her, but I don't want to rush things and ruin it.

"you're soaking wet and it's freezing in here." I laugh scrunching my nose and putting it on hers.

"it is."

I let her borrow some clothes then we go and sit on the couch.

"will you let me take you out? Like on a date." she asks.

Eeeep. Alex just asked me out on a date. I love today. Thank you whatever magic forces in the universe brought me to this point. Thank you for having Alex love me.

"do you have to ask."

"I want to treat you right Casey of course I have to ask."

I love her she's so sweet.

"yes. I would love to go on a date with you, but you have to let me take you on a date too."

No way in hell am I messing this relationship up. Alex needs to be treated like a princess and I will do everything in my power to make sure I treat as such and nothing less.

"yes." she says.

I get to take Alex on a date. I'm so excited. I go in and kiss her I'm trying to be slow, but I'm so excited my tongue decides to come out and touch her lip. I was going faster than intended so I pull back.

"I am so sorry."

"it's okay Casey I'm not going to break. I'll go with whatever pace you want." she assures me

"I don't want to rush anything though."

"it's okay."

She leans in and kisses me allowing my tongue entrance. It feels so wonderful to be with her. Her tongue finds it way into the kiss. She take my hand and moves it to her thigh. Her beautiful thigh. God I love her. Touching her is like touching a treasure. A beautiful jewel that needs to be handled with care. I move my hand slightly on her thigh.

When we stop kissing and are just sitting there I'm twirling her gorgeous blonde hair and I remember in her office how I called her dumb.

"I'm sorry for calling you dumb and almost hitting you with my car."

"it's okay. I was pretty dumb."

No she was not. I was for calling her that.

"you're not dumb. You're most certainly very very smart." I kiss her lips.

"for a blonde I mean." I joke.

Her mouth drops open and I let out a little laugh.

"that's it I'm never kissing you again." she says to me jokingly.

"oh really? Well then I don't want to kiss you anyway. Your blondness might be contagious." I play along.

She grabs me and pins me under her. I am so turned on right now. Keep the thoughts PG-13 Casey there will be plenty of time for other ratings. She kisses me again. I love this. I love her. This will never get tiring.

"well that threat barely lasted half a second."

"you're just so irresistibly cute. I can't not kiss you."

Ahhh she thinks I'm cute.

"you think I'm cute?"

"that's putting it lightly but yes."

I feel like that middle school girl. If she weren't on top of me I'd jump up and spin around and scream at the top of my lungs.

"have you ever seen the Rudolph movie?" I ask her.

"yeah."

"do you remember that scene where Clarice tells Rudolph he's cute and he starts flying around and is all excited."

"mmhmm."

"well if I could I'd fly like Rudolph because the beautiful Alex Cabot thinks I'm cute." I smile.

She smiles back at me.

We order dinner and spend the night in. Every time I kiss Alex, or she says she loves me my insides jump. The fact this is really is mind boggling. I don't know how or why, but she loves me.

"I don't want to go, but I should."

"and I should finish this paper work, but I won't. You are staying here for the night. It's late and pouring rain out." I tell her.

"no it's okay."

"Let me rephrase that you will stay here because I'd be a mad woman to let you go back out there. I think you've spent enough time in the rain. You are staying right here. Where I can keep an eye on you." I kiss her.

"keep an eye on me?"

"well you are the most beautiful woman in Manhattan. I wouldn't want someone to steal you out from under me before I even get a chance to take you out."

She laughs.

"no one's going to steal me from you, promise. If anything someone might steal a cutie like you from me."

"no way. I'd just annoy them to death." I say over a yawn.

"you need sleep." she tells me.

"come on." I get up.

"no I'll stay on the couch."

"no this couch is uncomfortable. You are sleeping in my bed."

"we don't have to do anything but sleep." I add.

I'm nervous getting into bed with her. I don't except to do anything. I mean as much as I would love to I want to take her out first and do this right. I just hope my dreams don't become vocal when I'm sleeping and scare her off.

"it's freezing." she shivers.

I pull her in close to me and she relaxes.

"goodnight." I kiss the top of her head.

"goodnight."

"I love you." I tell her.

She kisses me again.

"I love you too."

When she falls asleep I hold her close trying to keep her warm. Nothing else matters right now except Alex.

We spend all of Sunday together at her apartment. Monday comes around and I can't help but look at her. When I look up at her I catch her looking at me. I blush and I look back down at my papers. I don't even notice when she comes in my office until I go to look up again and she's leaning over my desk and I get an eye full of the tops of her breasts. I quickly move my vision to her eyes.

"you're looking at me is very distracting." she says.

"can't help if my office has the best view in the city." I reply.

"I'd kiss you right now, but my secretary is outside."

I get up from the chair and we're face to face.

"never hurt to be a little dangerous." I tell her.

I place a kiss right on her lips.

"dangerous." she says.

"you find out soon enough I like danger." I smile.

"living on the edge counselor?"

"well I am kiss my supervisor in my office with the door open. There must be some office rule about that."

I spend every waking moment with Alex practically. When I'm with her all I can do is pay attention to her and kiss her. When I'm not with her I'm just thinking about her and anticipating when I can see her again and kiss her. I love kissing her and hugging her and loving her.

Saturday is our date and I haven't the faintest idea what she has planned, but whatever it is I'm sure it will be perfect.

"please tell me." I ask her as we're walking out of work on Friday.

"no. For the millionth time no."

I've been badgering her all week about where she's taking me.

"please."

"no it's a surprise, and I'm picking you up in three hours anyway. Can't you wait."

"no."

"you're worse than a child on Christmas."

"but you still love me."

"I do, but I also love to torture you."

"you're mean."

"but you still love me." she mimicked me.

"well now I don't your mocking me."

"I'm sorry baby please love me."

"not until you tell me where we're going."

"oh well looks like I''l have to find someone else to go with me to… that place."

"if I didn't love you I'd hate you."

She walks me to my car in the garage.

"I'll be at your place tomorrow at 10." she tells me.

"I really don't want to spend a night without you." I pout.

"you'll survive trust me." she smiles.

I kiss her on the lips hard wanting to savor the moment.

"I love you." I tell her.

"I love you too. I'll see you tomorrow." she smiles.

She turns to walk away but I pull her back for one more kiss.

"one for the road." I laugh.

I cannot sleep without Alex next to me. It's not the same. I miss holding her and the smell of her raspberry shampoo as I nuzzle my nose into her hair. I miss listening to her soft even breaths and how she'll sometimes talk in her sleep.

When I wake up the next morning the sun light is shining through the window. I check my phone to see what time it is 9:45. Shit. Alex is going to be here in fifteen minutes.

I rush out of bed and get my clothes out then dive into the bathroom. I'm about to get in the shower when I smell pancakes and hear the clink of a pan on my stove. I put my robe back on and I walk out into the kitchen.

The site before me is not what I expected. Alex is standing at the stove making pancakes.

"good morning beautiful." she comes up and kisses me.

"what's all this?" I ask.

"our date."

"you breaking into my apartment to make me pancakes is your big surprise date."

"well part one of it yes." she places the plate of pancakes and bacon in front of me.

"you are amazing." I tell her.

She cuts a piece of pancake and holds it up to my mouth. We eat the awesome break fast Alex made and then it's time to get ready.

"now go get dressed." she tells me.

"and what will I be dressing for?" I ask her.

"nice try, but you're not getting that out of me. Now get that cute butt in the shower before I have to make you." she says playfully.

"hmmm." I start to consider.

"you're a bad one Casey Novak."

"you like it."

"I love it. Now go." she tells me.

I go and get in the shower, then get ready for the day. I'm still trying to figure out what Alex has planned.


	20. Chapter 20

**Author's Note: For this chapter I decided to do Casey's POV instead of Alex for the sake of the date and everything. Sorry about any confusion with the last chapter I was half awake when I was reading it over so some things got by me. I apologize this is a short chapter, but it's pretty awesome for it's shortness. If I can i will update again today or early tomorrow with Alex's point of view. please keep reading and reviewing and most important Enjoy!**

Ch. 20

Casey's POV

I get out of the shower and get dressed. Alex is sitting on the couch reading a newspaper waiting. I plop down right next to her.

"you take longer than I do." she laughed still reading the paper.

"sorry I wanted to look perfect for you."

"please, that requires no effort you could wear nothing and still look perfect."

"I'll have to remember that." I kiss her neck.

"play nice." she laughs.

"I never play nice." I inform her as I place another kiss on her pulse point.

"stop Casey that tickles."

Alex Cabot ticklish I'll have to remember that for later.

"let's go your chariot await." she gets up.

Driving around the city I keep asking her where we're going. She's still resistant even though I've given her the puppy pout. She's lucky she has to pay attention or else I'd tickle her until she told me.

"so what's in the back seat?" I ask her.

There's something on the back seat covered by a blanket.

"just some stuff."

"Alex Cabot you are a horrible liar."

I reach back to peek but she grabs my hand.

"nope." she holds my hand tightly on the middle console.

We get to the place and I know exactly where we are. The indoor botanical gardens. I'm so excited I've never been here, but I've always wanted to go.

"surprise." she smiles.

"I love it." I kiss her.

"it's not the outdoor one. It's too chilly for that yet, and I tried to change the weather to make it warmer, but nature put up a fight and I lost. Plus with all this cold you keep complaining of I thought you'd need a little bit of spring." she smiles.

"thank you." I kiss her again.

"now do I get to find out what's in the back seat?"

She pulls out a picnic basket.

"we are having a picnic in my secret spot."

"you have a secret spot in the botanical gardens."

She nods excitedly.

We walk around for about an hour. Alex has been carrying the picnic basket. I offer to hold it, but she declines. It's warm inside the big glass house, but I still stay close by Alex's side. It looks like outside with flowers climbing up the side of the glass, and butterflies flying around The flowers are beautiful compared to the cold empty world outside. They're almost as beautiful and warming as Alex.

One of the butterflies lands on my nose and continues to fly around me and Alex.

"I think that butterfly is trying to steal you from me." Alex laughs.

"sorry butterfly she's mine." Alex tells the butterfly.

"don't be mean to the butterfly." I tell her.

"I'm not being mean I just have no intentions of sharing you with anyone not even a butterfly." she laughs.

To the far side up some stairs there's a cherry blossom tree. Alex is leading me towards it. We get to the tree and it's quiet.

"is this your secret spot?" I ask her.

"yep and you're the only one who knows about it."

The flower petals from the tree are scattered around the ground and you can see the whole indoor garden and the outside from here.

I'm so happy that Alex showed me her secret spot. You don't just show anyone your secret spot that just defies the rules of secret spots.

We spread out the picnic blanket and she sets up the picnic. There's sandwiches, pasta salad, green grapes, pineapple chunks, and sparkling grape juice.

"I get a date, the where abouts of your secret spot and you cooking for me twice in one day. I'm a lucky girl." I comment.

"I'm the lucky one because a beautiful woman let me take her out on a date."

I can't help but blush.

"oh really who?" I ask playfully.

We eat the delicious lunch Alex made while looking over the garden. Once we finish we lie down on the blanket and look up at the beautiful cherry blossom tree and the glass of the building up to the sky.

"this was the most amazing day ever." I tell her.

We turn and look at each other.

"I love you." she says then kisses me.

This moment is perfect. Every moment with Alex is perfect. The whole world seems to fade away when I'm with her. When I look at her she's all I see. When she talks it's all I hear. Everything else is irrelevant. Alex is everything, she is the world. My world. Nothing else matters except her. I love her. Not because of this date, or the two meals she's made me, I love her just for being her. She doesn't have to do anything for me to love her. I still loved her even when I tried not to when we had our fight. Nothing can ever keep me from loving her.

When we've seen all we need of the garden and spent our time under the cherry blossom tree we get back in the car and drive off.

"that was perfect." I kiss her hand.

"it's not over." she informs me.

"oh? And what would part two of this wonderful day include."

"a surprise."

"please don't torture me."

"I love watching you squirm." she laughs a little.

I know where we're going now. My apartment. I ask her why and she tells me she needs me to change into something pretty.

I spend the next hour smiling as I think about today, and what ever Alex has planned for the evening. She was perfect, and too good to me. When I finally get my hair up into a bun and my sea foam green dress on I hear Alex come into the apartment. My heart starts beating excitedly. I hope Alex thinks I look good. Is my hair pretty? Will she like it like this? Is my dress too tight? Should I have just worn my uncomfortable strapless bra or not? Did I put on too much perfume? Okay Casey stop. You look fine. Alex will think your pretty either way. Come on she even said you look gorgeous in tweety pajamas and bed hair. You look fine.

I take one breath and then leave the bathroom. Alex is standing there in a beautiful light blue dress, her hair flowing down her back. She looks beautiful.

Breathe Casey.

She's foregone the glasses sadly. I love those glasses. She still looks beautiful either way though.

"you're absolutely stunning." she says.

"you're not so bad yourself."

We leave to the car.

"are you going to tell me where we're going now?"

"haven't you learned anything? No. I never tell my surprises."

"fine then I just wont kiss you ever again." I pretend to be serious.

"well as I clearly remember the last time that threat was made it was not kept."

"okay that was you who said that and you kissed me."

We get to a beautiful restaurant.

"this is the third meal you've feed me. Are you trying to make me fat?" I ask her.

"we can go somewhere else if you want." she says getting closer for a kiss.

"I never said eating was bad." I kiss her lips.

"I needed a reason to get you in a beautiful dress."

We get inside and the place is empty and quiet.

We order our food and eat off each others plates for a better part of the time.

After we finish the meal our server hands us desert menus.

We order a chocolatey ice cream brownie cake and feed it to each other. It's intimate with soft music playing. It's just perfect.

"you are absolutely beautiful." I look into her soft blue eyes.

"as are you. Even with chocolate all over your mouth." she laughs.

Taking her finger she wipes the chocolate syrup from my lip then licks it off her fingers. PG-13 Casey for now come one you're in a restaurant. Danger is fun, but getting arrested for public indecency is not.

"dance with me?" she asks.

I take her hand and we start dancing next to the table. Slowly swaying to the sound of a piano. Forehead to forehead I kiss her chocolaty tasting lips.

"today was perfect." I tell her.

"really? You liked it?" she asks excited.

"loved it. All because I got to spend it with you."

"I love you Alexandra Cabot."

She smiles brightly and a tear in her eye.

"no don't cry." I hold her close.

"no I'm so happy. I wanted today to be perfect for you. I just never thought I'd ever have anyone as wonderful and amazing as you."

A tear breaks from my eye. I love this woman with all my heart. It's only the first date and I already can't imagine life without Alex Cabot in it.


	21. Chapter 21

Ch. 21

Alex's POV

It's late by the time Casey and I come back down to earth from our evening of making out and talking on the couch.

"I don't want to go, but I should." I break the perfect silence.

"and I should finish this paper work, but I won't. You are staying here for the night. It's late and pouring rain out." she says with a laugh.

"no it's okay."

I don't want to make Casey feel like she's obligated to let me stay here.

"Let me rephrase that you will stay here because I'd be a mad woman to let you go back out there. I think you've spent enough time in the rain. You are staying right here. Where I can keep an eye on you." she kisses me.

"keep an eye on me?"

"well you are the most beautiful woman in Manhattan. I wouldn't want someone to steal you out from under me before I even get a chance to take you out."

I can feel myself blushing. Casey is so sweet. I love her more and more with every moment that passes.

"no one's going to steal me from you, promise. If anything someone might steal a cutie like you from me."

"no way. I'd just annoy them to death." she yawns.

She's so cute when she yawns the way her nose scrunches.

"you need sleep."

"come on."

"no I'll stay on the couch."

I don't want to push things too far.

"no this couch is uncomfortable. You are sleeping in my bed."

"we don't have to do anything but sleep." she adds.

When I get under the covers I realize how cold I am and I snuggle into Casey.

"it's freezing."

She wraps her arms around me and I feel warm and safe.

"goodnight." she kisses the top of my head.

"goodnight."

"I love you."

I tilt my head up and kiss her lips.

"I love you too."

I lay my head next to her chest falling asleep easy knowing that everything is okay now. I have Casey, my Casey. I'm so tired because I haven't slept well since I kicked her out of my apartment, and now that I have her and told her I love her I don't think I've ever slept so well in my life.

Work is much better. Not that I actually get any work done. Not with the cutest girl ever just across the hall and within my vision. She keeps looking at me and I keep blushing thinking of how she always calls me beautiful. Casey thinks I'm beautiful.

Finally I can't stand being this far from her I get up from my chair and go to her office. Feeling a little sexy I lean over her desk. When she looks up I know she's enjoying the view. She's so adorable how she quickly looks away and blushes at the sight.

"you're looking at me is very distracting."

"can't help if my office has the best view in the city."

She just says the best things I love her.

"I'd kiss you right now, but my secretary is outside." I say barely below a whisper.

She gets up from her chair and moves her face near mine.

"never hurt to be a little dangerous."

To anyone who'd walk by it would look like a supervisor is kissing her colleague, but to me I'm in a world of my own kissing the woman I love.

"dangerous." I bite my lip a little.

"you find out soon enough I like danger."

"living on the edge counselor?"

"well I am kissing my supervisor in my office with the door open. There must be some office rule about that."

I don't even care that there could be a million things wrong with this to get us both fired.

Never before had I ever even thought of kissing in my office. When I was with Olivia we never did that. We kept our relationship very private because that's just how we were, but with Casey I don't care. Let McCoy find out. I have everything I need right here in a striking body and red hair.

We spend most of the nights in my apartment since Casey's gets so cold. I don't mind it, but Casey doesn't want me freezing so she spends almost all her time here. We sleep in my bed together just as it should be. We don't do anything because we want to wait until after our date. Something about being able to just sleep next to the person you love without doing anything just proves love. I do want to do those things with her, but for right now I just want to enjoy Casey as a person and then we can take that step.

I spend the whole week trying to plan our date out. A trip to the botanical gardens inside since it's so cold and there are no flowers outside. I always loved the botanical gardens it was a special place to me. I wanted to share something special with Casey to show her how special she is to me. Then I decide to do a picnic lunch to enjoy under the cherry blossom tree.

All week she keeps asking me about where we're going. It's so hard to shake my head and deny her an answer. Sometimes I just kiss her to keep her quiet because I'm on the verge of telling her, and I want to surprise her. She's making it very hard to keep the surprise a surprise.

Friday night she's sleeping at her own place so I can pick her up and get ready what I need to for the picnic. I don't sleep well without her. The pillow on the right side of the bed smells like her now. I hold it close wishing I could be her I was holding.

That morning I wake up and I pack the picnic basket up with lunch. I hope Casey likes today. I have the whole day planned out and I keep smiling I'm so excited. I end up being early so when I get to Casey's I get the idea to surprise her with breakfast. I sneak inside and I open her bedroom door slightly. She's sleeping soundly. I sneak to her kitchen with the things I picked up on my way over. I work quickly and hope she doesn't wake up early. When I do hear her in her room I try to be quiet. She woke up late and is scrambling. Figures. She's always a late riser.

I hear the shower start and then quickly shut off. She knows I'm here. I really hope she doesn't come out with her softball bat thinking I'm a robber. What robber comes at 10 a.m. anyway? Let's face it Casey would still think I was a robber regardless of the time.

From the corner of my eye I see her come out of her room. No softball bat thank god. I stop what I'm doing and kiss her good morning.

"what's all this?"

"our date." I tell her as I put pancakes and bacon on a plate.

"you breaking into my apartment to make me pancakes is your big surprise date." she asks with a laugh

"well part one of it yes." I place her plate in front of her.

"you are amazing." she says.

I feed her a piece of pancake. She and I eat and of course she has to keep asking me where we're going. I resist though.

"now go get dressed." I shoo her off so I can clean up.

"and what will I be dressing for?"

"nice try, but you're not getting that out of me. Now get that cute butt in the shower before I have to make you."

"hmmm." she ponders.

"you're a bad one Casey Novak."

"you like it."

"I love it. Now go." I send her off.

While she's in the shower. Casey Novak in the shower... Back on earth Alex. Right yes while Casey is in the shower I call the restaurant I've rented out to confirm. Then I clean up the kitchen.

I'm nervous about the date. Casey deserves the best and I would give her nothing less, but I hope it's not too much or overwhelming.

She finally gets out of the shower looking absolutely perfect. As soon as I start the car she's already hyper asking where we're going. We're almost there and she can't wait she's excited I can tell. She tried to peak under the blanket covering the picnic basket in the back seat, but I grabbed her hand before she could. I park the car in front of the botanical gardens and her face lights up.

"surprise."

"I love it." she kisses me.

I wish we could've gone outside I tell her, but the inside is just as wonderful. Once it gets warmer I'll have to take her again so we can see outside when it's in full bloom. She's so happy about the date and it's barely started. A butterfly's been following Casey around for a better part of the time. I joke that it's trying to steal her from me.

After walking around I finally bring her to my secret spot right under a cherry blossom tree. It's quiet and makes me feel like there's no rest of the world or any problems it's peaceful. Just me and Casey and the quiet. We lay down on the blanket looking up her head on my shoulder.

"this is the most amazing day ever." she looks into my eyes.

"I love you."

Saying that feels so natural and right. I can't not say it.

In the car I tell her of our part three date. Not where we're going though just that she needs to wear something really pretty. I drop her off at her apartment so I can go get ready for her. While at home I make sure everything's perfect. I get dressed and leave my hair down. Casey loves my hair down. I decide to dig around for my contacts not wanting to have my glasses in the way.

I get to Casey's and of course she isn't ready yet. It's cute how she's always running just a tad bit behind. When she comes out of the bathroom I see why. She's wearing the beautiful dress that just looks wonderful on her body. If we didn't have to be to dinner I might take her right here she's so gorgeous.

When we get to the restaurant she asks if I'm trying to make her fat. Crap. I It's too much. I went overboard. She hates it, but when we get inside and order our food and eat everything feels easy again. I don't even have to try and this just feels so good.

We feed each other dessert, but somehow Casey manages to get some above her lip.

"you are absolutely beautiful." she says.

I really think she likes to see me blush because every time she says that I can't help but catch fire and blush, then blush some more because I'm blushing.

"as are you. Even with chocolate all over your mouth."

I whip the chocolate away with my thumb. I lick it off and Casey's face drops. I can only imagine what she's thinking. It's okay Casey the thoughts are mutual.

"dance with me."

Dancing together just like in the garden the whole world fades. The whole day was perfect. Casey loved it. More than I could've anticipated. I'm so happy.

"I love you Alexandra Cabot."

I don't know what force brought me here, but it feels so unreal and amazing. A happy tear falls from my eye.

She holds me close to her.

"no I'm so happy. I wanted today to be perfect for you. I just never thought I'd ever have anyone as wonderful and amazing as you."


	22. Chapter 22

**Author's note: Here's the post date night. This chapter is rated M for obvious reasons. Don't read if this stuff offends you. Please keep reading and reviewing and Enjoy.**

Ch. 22

Casey's POV

When we finish our dance we leave the restaurant and go to her apartment. I'm excited, but jittery. Who wouldn't when there going to spend the night with Alex Cabot after the first date.

Her apartment is dark when we get there. She turns on the hall light and helps me out of my coat kissing my shoulders giving me goosebumps. I turn around and I put my hands on her hips as I kiss her on the lips my tongue begging for entrance. She kicks off her heels and mine soon follow.

"wait right here." she kisses me and quickly disappears into the darkness of her apartment.

Okay Casey you will do fine. Alex loves you. You've been preparing for this night since well forever. Today was perfect and it can only get better. Oh but what if she hates it or doesn't want to tonight. Stop psyching yourself out Casey. I keep having a mental conversation with myself. I need a freaking pep talk right now. You are awesome Casey. You haven't had sex in three years, but you will be amazing with Alex because she's amazing. Shit has it really been three years. I can't even remember the last time I had sex. Wait though. This isn't sex though. This is Alex. There isn't **just sex** with Alex Cabot. I love her. I'm going to make love with her. I don't think I've ever truly made love with another woman. This is Alex, this is more than just physical.

She comes back in the middle of my mental pep talk.

"I want to show you one last thing." she tells me.

She takes my hand and leads me to her room. My heart is about to fall out of my chest and I want to faint it's beating so fast. The room has candles lit everywhere.

She lets go and goes to her dresser.

I get nervous until she opens it. There's nothing there except my pair of pajamas I'd worn when I slept her.

"I know it's only the first date but you kept leaving them everywhere, and I wanted you to have some space for things. I mean only if you want. You don't have to use the drawer, but it's yours if you want it."

I nearly breakdown crying happy tears. I love her.

Alex wraps her arms around my neck. She hugs me kissing my cheek and neck.

"I know what this looks like and we don't have to-"

"no Alex I want to. Today was perfect, you are perfect. Everything is perfect. I want to."

Before she can answer I kiss her on the lips. She bites my bottom lip tenderly moving her hands to the back of my dress. My breath hitches when I hear the sound of the zipper. I pull away when I reach for the zipper on her dress to look for the okay. She smiles and I pull the little zipper tab down. The zipper gets all the way down and I run my hand up the sliver of bare back.

She's worked the top of my dress off and I pull the short sleeves of her dress off her shoulders slowly. She has on a blue lace bra peaking out the top of her dress. She shrugs the sleeves off. I kiss her bare shoulder and move to her pulse point. She hisses. Her hands start to move her hands along my hips causing my dress to fall to the floor around my feet. I move from her neck and move my hands to her hips. Her eyes look my over she licks her lips and bites her bottom lip leaving a shine in the candle light. It's not even want anymore. I actually need Alex Cabot. She pushes her dress off her body and arousal pulses through my body. She had matching blue lace panties covering her.

I swear if this is a dream.

I take my fill of her exquisite body. Her curves are better than in my dream, her breasts. Those legs oh my god they seem to go on forever.

My knees feel like jello. She comes closer and her hand tickles it way up to my breast. My nipples tighten and stands up scratching against the palm of her soft hand. As we kiss I find myself being backed up towards the bed. The back of my legs hit the side and I sit down. She pushes me up the bed and I lay back against the pillows as she bites and kisses and sucks on my neck. I need her right now. I can feel myself getting wet now. Her kisses trail down to my breast where she takes my buds into her mouth.

I moan at the feeling of her tongue flicking across my breast. She looks up with it still held between her teeth gently and she smiles. She lets go and does the same to my other breast. She comes back up and kisses me on the lips slipping her knee between my leg just barely near my wet center.

I can't wait to see anymore of her, so reaching her to her back I unhook her bra and slide it off her arms. I can't help but touch them like the rest of her they're more beautiful than my dream.

"I love you." I whisper into her ear.

I roll her nipple between the knuckles of my index and middle finger. She moans the most beautiful sound.

"I love you too."

She continues to nip at my neck probably leaving a mark in every place possible. I don't want her to do all the work though. Quickly I flip us over so I'm on top.

She yelps at the sudden change. I smiled at her. She reaches her hand to my bun and pulls out the pins holding it together and pushes the hair behind my ear. I lean in and suck on her pulse point while using my hand to give attention to her breasts. I try to mark her with as many love bites as I can. My Alex. One of my hands moves down my fingers tracing her hips lightly. She yelps. I pull up from her neck.

"what?" I asked.

"tickles." she says over raged breaths.

I move my fingers again and she moans bucking her hips a little.

Correction Alex Cabot is ticklish and gets turned on by it.

In the middle of my tickling she flips us back over and straddles one of my thighs again. I can feel the damp spot on her panties and a pulse of arousal pumps through me again. I try to move my hands to her hips to tickle her again. She grabs them before I can and puts them up above my head.

"stay." she tells me in a serious tone.

She slips down my body hooking her fingers into my panties and pulling them with her until they're around my ankles. She tosses them to the side and moves back up my body kissing me hard on the lips. Oh yeah she's turned on. My hands find their way to her hair. I weave my fingers through those golden locks pulling her into the kiss. Her hand moves down my stomach and rests right above my center. I moan wanting to feel her. My hips fly up trying to get her there.

"patience." she whispers.

I laugh a little.

Her finger traces up and down my fold. I move my hands to the top of her panties. She takes her hand away from my center and puts my hands back above my head.

"patience." she reminds me.

"I want to touch you."

"I want to touch you first."

Her hand returns to my soaking center and she pushes her fingers in just a little. I moan.

"oh god." she groans feeling me.

The damp spot on her panties on my thigh is getting more and more. I just want to flip her over and have her.

My heart is going a million miles per hour. Her touch is heavenly. Every nerve in my body is tingling.

"mmm Alex." I moan.

She slowly enters me with one finger. I moan twisting my hips a little at the sensation. I open my eyes and she gently pushes another finger inside me. Adjusting to the feeling I moan.

"you feel incredible." her voice is low and sexy.

I buck my hips trying to move her fingers within me. She takes the notice and starts pulling them out leaving just the tips in. I feel empty, she quickly starts pushing them back in slowly. She really does love to watch me squirm.

"faster. It's okay." I tell her.

She nods and starts moving her fingers faster. I'm a squirming mess under her. Her fingers keep moving and I can feel myself not wanting to let her go.

After what felt like hours of her moving inside me she moves her thumb and brushes over my bundle of nerves. My eyes fly open.

"mm come on." she husks into my ear.

"come for me baby." she husks.

I try and hold it but her words make that impossible. Never in my life would I have ever thought of Alex saying anything like that. She's just full of surprises.

One last brush over my nerves and I can feel my muscles tense around her.

"oh my god. Alex. Alex. ALLLLEEEEXXXX." I scream her name.

This woman has reduced me to a limp, squirming, breathless, melted mess beneath her.

She's looking at me with a smile on.

I try to catch my breath. Her fingers wiggle inside me and I moan. She laughs a little pulling them out. She looks at her hand then at me. I nearly come again when she licks my wetness of her fingers. She moans against the taste.

I'm completely in awe at the sight in front of me. Alex Cabot tasting my love juices on her fingers, her eyes shut moaning, straddling my thigh.

Nothing is stopping me from grabbing her in her moment of euphoria and giving her what I need to give her. I sit on my knees between her legs.

"my turn." I smile at her.

My hands land at her hips. Carefully I move my fingers beneath the fabric and start moving them down those long toned legs.

I can see her soaked curls in the candle light. She leans up on her elbows and looks in my eyes. God she's irresistible.

I move back up and I kiss her on the lips able to faintly taste myself. She moans. The sounds she makes are going to kill me. They're beautiful. I move my kiss down her cheek and to her neck biting and sucking on her. She makes more urgent drawn out groans.

"Casey." she moans.

"patience eager beaver."

"please Casey." she cries out.

She's making it really hard to take my time with her. I pick my head up and look at her. She's breathing heavy. Chest rising and falling.

"you're beautiful." I say before moving my head to her breasts.

With every flick of my tongue her hips jump up and she makes the most beautiful sounds. Trying to draw out more I move to her other breast.

"Casey please." she moans.

I move my hand right above where she wants it. She bucks her hips again letting out a frustrated groan.

"Casey." she begs.

I take a deep breath and slip one finger into her soft folds. She hisses.

"mm yes."

I want to be gentle with her. I know she won't break, but she's like a precious treasure to me that needs to be handled with absolute care.

"more Casey."

The way my name rolls off her lips in moans is breath taking. It's unbelievable. Alex wants me. Alex is turned on by me.

I start moving my two fingers within her heated core. Her muscles squeezing around my fingers making it harder to pull out with every thrust. She keeps moaning my name and tells me to go faster. I know she's at the edge right at the glorious edge. I stop and try to keep her there. Squirming and moaning. Eyes squeezed shut thrashing her head into the pillows. Golden locks sticking to her cheeks.

"you look so beautiful."

I don't know if she can hear me or not.

She's moving her hips against my hand. Pulling my fingers further into her.

"Casey… Casey…" she moans.

"I'm right here baby right here." I kiss her forehead.

"please, I need-" she can barely speak over her ragged breaths

I start moving my hand again and place my thumb right at her nerve. Her moans get louder and louder. One final thrust pushes her off the edge Her walls start clenching my fingers refusing to let them go. Her brow furrows and her mouth drops open no sound coming out. Her head falls back on the pillows and she arches her back. Sound starts coming from her mouth she's near screaming my name. I keep moving my hand letting her ride out her climax.

Her hips slow down and she releases my fingers and I move over her and start kissing her lips and her neck as she recovers. I keep telling her I love her.

"I- I love you too." she says out of breath.

She gives me a smile.

We keep at it for a while longer. Exploring one another's bodies.

When we finally have run out of energy after what's felt like days. We climb under the covers and just look into each others eyes.

"you were- wow." I'm at a loss for words.

"you were pretty wow yourself." she smiles.

I smile back at her.

Everything right now if perfect. Alex is perfect. This moment is perfect.

I've never felt the way I have tonight. So loved, and cherished. I made love to the woman I love more than life it self. The world could be ending right now and all that matters is Alex and our love.

"I want the drawer." I tell her.

"really?" she asks.

"really." I kiss her lips.

"I love you Alexandra Cabot. To the moon and back." I say once we broke the kiss.

"I love you Casey Novak."

"to the moon and back?"

"to the moon and back." she smiles.

We drift to sleep holding each other close.

Sunday morning I wake up before her. Disoriented I think that last night is a dream. Until I feel the figure sleeping in my arms. Bare breasts resting against my side. She's sleeping.

Last night was real. Really real. It happened. I made love to Alex Cabot and it was mind blowing. She starts waking up making those noises she always does when she wakes up. Then she turns around sees me smiles and lays her chin on my chest to look at me.

"good morning." I say to her.

"is that my beautiful Casey?" she asks with a sly smile.

Her hands move down my sides and hips feeling my curves.

"it feels like her, but I can't really tell. Would the person I'm feeling up grab my glasses so I can find my beautiful Casey." she says jokingly

I reach to the night stand and pick the glasses up to hand them to her.

She puts them on.

"and it is my beautiful Casey."

"good morning." she leans up and kisses my lips.

"a very good morning." I say.

"very very."

Her neck is covered in purple marks from last night. We stay in bed for a while just kissing and feeling each other.

"so what should we do today?" she asks when she's straddling my waist.

"we could go out for a walk, get some coffee, or rent a movie, or go to the movies and make out in the back of the theater." I suggest.

"or we could not get dressed and stay in bed all day."

"best idea yet."

"for a blonde." she jokes.

"it's alright." I joke sitting up.

"just alright."

"a little." I flip her over.

We spend our day in bed. Only leaving the warmness to make coffee.

"here's to the perfect weekend." she holds her mug up.

"and to the perfect woman."

"and us."

"to us." we clink our mugs together.


	23. Chapter 23

**Author's Note: I loved writing this Chapter I think it is adorable. I know you all want to know how Olivia is going to react, and I promise she is not forgotten she will make her appearance soon. I just wanted to write a cute Alex chapter before Olivia comes back. So please keep reading and reviewing and Enjoy.**

Ch.23

Alex's POV

As I'm in my room lighting candles I'm nervous. What if Casey doesn't want to. Or what if she thinks we're moving too quick if I give her a drawer. I don't want her to think I'm trying to move her in or anything. I would love for her to move in, but it's so early in the relationship I'm not sure she'd want to.

When I show her the drawer she doesn't answer she just kisses me on the lips. During our love making I forget about the drawer. All that's on my mind is Casey and how absolutely sexy she looks naked. How incredible she feels coming around my hand. It's like something I've never felt before when her fingers enter me. When she bites and sucks on my neck she puts me in another world. I feel different. I even say and do things I've never said in bed before. She reacts to my words and moans. Her sounds are like music. I'm learning what they mean, learning what she likes. She makes me feel beautiful and loved and sexy the way she touches me. No one has ever made me feel so complete before. I don't even know how I ever lived without Casey after tonight. I love her so much. She's gentle with me and makes sure I'm pleased. I'm not breakable and I'm pleased just by pleasing her, but the way she treats me makes me feel amazing. I give her all I can until I'm completely spent and just a tad bit sore, but a good kind of sore. Then just like I imagined we lay there looking at each other. A blush to her cheeks and a light sheen of sweat.

"I want the drawer." she says softly

"really?"

"really."

She wants the drawer. Yes. If I had any energy I would jump up and down.

"I love you Alexandra Cabot. To the moon and back." she says.

My spine tingles at her words.

"I love you Casey Novak."

"to the moon and back?"

"to the moon and back."

Her image continues to fill my dreams that night. When I wake up I fear she's left or it was a dream. Olivia use to up and leave after a long night. I always hated that. But Casey's right there already awake. She's still here with me.

We spent the whole day in bed together. It's surreal. Just laying in bed not a care in the world. Just us. No one else exists at the moment.

"you just can't keep your hands off me can you?" Casey asks.

"oh no." I lean in and kiss her tracing my hands up and down her sides.

I keep trying to discover more about her like she's a new Christmas gift I just can't get enough of.

"are you trying to get me turned on again?"

"is it working?" I nip right behind her ear.

"mmm yeah."

I can't stop touching her and feeling her body. This weekend is all about Casey no matter what.

I want to know what makes her tick. Find those spots in her that have yet to be found. Make her feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

"we have work tomorrow. I already know I'm going to have a tough time covering your markings. Are you trying to make it harder?" she asks.

Her neck is covered in numerous love bites.

"yes."

"you are wild." she pins me under her.

"I like it." she smiles.

"do you know how long I've wanted you? I am not holding back oh no. That is impossible."

I hate that it's late Sunday night and our fun must come to a pause since we have work tomorrow. I sleep so easy next to Casey. I lay my head right on her chest so I can hear her heart beating. The sound puts me to sleep like it's a lullaby.

The alarm blares and both Casey and I groan in unison. So much for an endless weekend of perfection.

"I have an idea let's call in sick and just stay here." Casey suggests.

"I'd say yes, but I have meetings and a mountain of paper work that didn't get done this weekend as do you."

"sorry I was preoccupied with my girlfriend." she smiles.

"girlfriend?"

"I mean do you want-"

"yes." I kiss her on the lips.

"still want to call in sick?" I ask her.

"meetings remember." she reminds me.

"right."

"how about tonight after work we come here and I make you dinner." she offers.

"really?" I ask excitedly.

"really. I make a killer spaghetti and meatballs."

"I would love that."

"then we can continue this."

"I don't know if I can wait that long."

Meetings and paperwork will be so boring I'll have to occupy myself with thoughts of her. Which will only make me more anxious to get her alone again.

We say goodbye for now. Her work clothes are at her apartment so she's going back there. When I get out of the shower there's a hot cup of coffee sitting on my dresser with a note.

_I love you. Casey :)_

I screech like a giddy school girl.

I get to the office before Casey. I don't even get to see her at lunch I'm trapped in this stupid meeting.

All I keep thinking about is this weekend. Her body. Kissing her. Her voice. Movements. The way she-

"Ms. Cabot."

I'm brought out of my thoughts.

"hm?"

"is your mind somewhere else? Or can we continue."

"umm I was just thinking of umm new strategies." I lie.

"oh can we hear them."

I am a horrible liar right now. Casey keeps taking over my thoughts. I can't even think straight.

When I do finally see her thankfully the day is over. I walk into her office and I look behind me to make sure no one's there. I give her a surprise kiss on the lips.

"well hello to you too."

"I missed you." I whispered.

"I can see." she smiles.

"you love seeing me tortured I couldn't focus at all today. Are you ready to go?"

"yeah let me finish these and we can go."

She takes her time to do the work and I sit in the chair in her office waiting anxiously.

Finally I get up shut the folder and toss it in the drawer.

Casey laughs a little. I grab her coat from the coat hanger.

"come on. Work has had it's time with you. Now it's my turn to have you." I hold the coat open for her.

"anxious are we?"

"you have no idea."

She locks her door I take her hand and we go to the elevator.

We get down to the garage and go to our separate cars. She tells me what to have ready so she can make me her spaghetti and meatballs.

I hate waiting for her. I've been waiting for her all day I just want my Casey time.

She finally gets back with her stuff and I immediately attack her with kisses.

"I missed you."

"it's barely been an hour." she points out.

"all day though." I remind her.

"well I am all yours for the rest of the night."

She puts the grocery bags on the table and then the duffle bag on the floor. I already guessed she was staying, but seeing the bag just makes me more excited.

"you want me to put your stuff away while you roll meat."

She starts laughing.

"what?"

"roll meat? Alex really?"

"you have a very dirty mind. Yes roll meat. What else do you want me to call it?"

"spherifying ground beef."

"that's not even a word."

"now it is I just invented it."

I laugh at her cuteness and pick up the bag.

"what did you do pack rocks?" I ask her.

She shifts her eyes.

"maybe." she jokes.

I laugh and bring the bag to my room. Or our room? Is it Casey's room now too? I mean she sleeps here now, and spends a majority of her time here, but she still has her apartment. With the exception of Friday night she's always here. She has a drawer here, and uses my bathroom, her Spongebob toothbrush is in the bathroom now. So would it be our room, or is it too early to start saying that.

I open up the bag and she has her work clothes stuffed in there. I laugh at how she is. If I pack work clothes they're always packed with care so they don't wrinkle. Hers are just bunched up into the bag. I put her stuff away and then go back out to the kitchen where she's rolling meat balls. She has the sauce on the stove heating up.

"smells good." I wrap my hands around her waist.

"tastes even better."

She finishes the last of the meatballs.

"Alex let go I need to put these in so they can cook."

I shake my head.

"then we can't eat."

I let go and she goes on her way. Cooking the meatballs and starting the spaghetti.

"this is nice." I tell her.

"what? Me cooking for you making use of the kitchen you've never used."

"I have to used it before."

"and?"

"I almost burnt it down."

"what?" she laughs

"it was an accident. I'm good with breakfast and sandwiches that is it." I tell her.

"well lucky for you I'm good at cooking everything else."

She gives me a taste of the sauce.

"mmm."

"good?"

"very."

I kiss her on the lips and wrap my arms around her to pull her into the kiss.

"now that is great." I say when we break apart.

She finishes the food and we eat.

"I missed you." I tell her.

"I missed you too."

"I don't even remember what happened in the meetings you were all I could think about. How was your day?" I ask her.

"very boring, because this beautiful blonde across the hall wasn't there to occupy me between papers and emails." she smiles.

"well your beautiful blonde will be there to distract you all day tomorrow and for the rest of the week." I put my forehead to hers.

We enjoy dinner and then I clean up while Casey gets in her pajamas and settles on the couch for the evening watching tv. She's so adorable in her cartoon pajamas and fuzzy slipper socks. I go sit on the couch and cuddle up with her.

"I got ice cream sundae makings." she says.

"yum."

"chocolate syrup, whipped cream, sprinkles." she kisses my cheek.

"ice cream?" I asked.

"I thought you could be the ice cream." she gives a sly smile.

"my own personal Alex flavored ice cream."

"oh really?" I ask raising an eyebrow.

"yeah."

"does that mean I get my own personal Casey ice cream?"

"if you want." she answers.

"hold on you expect me to litter my bed with sprinkles?"

"an ice cream sundae isn't a sundae without sprinkles. What if I promise to be very very careful?" she kisses my neck.

I can't say no to her. It is literally impossible to say no to Casey.

The rest of the week we can barely keep our hands off each other. We're worse than horny teenagers. Lunch time comes around and she'll sneak into my office for a little make out session. I told her I was too scared to actually **do it **in my office even with the door locked and blinds shut. I get scared I'll forget where and I and be just a little too loud. But outside the office at home is another story. Casey does not like to hold back at all.

If Olivia does come around to ask her to lunch she lies and says she's buried in work. I'm pretty sure I've won Casey. It's funny how Olivia keeps trying for her, but nope I have her. Take that Olivia. Casey's all mine. My Casey.

This weekend Casey's taking me on a date. I'm really excited. Just to torture me she's keeping it secret. I guess it's a taste of my own medicine. I just really wish I knew what she had planned.

"please tell me. I'll love you forever." it's the night before our date.

"not a chance. I thought you already loved me forever?"

"okay fine forever *kiss* and ever *kiss* and ever *kiss*."

"that's a long time."

She ponders.

"nope." she answers.

"what if I try to get you to scream it." I moved my hand down her body.

"but that's where you're wrong. When you make me scream I forget everything, and my vocabulary is reduced to your name, begging and curse words."

"still worth a shot."

I give her a smile as my fingers fall under her panties and enter her quickly. She's soaking wet.

"you like a challenge councilor?"

"always." I kiss her neck and thrust my fingers in harder.

"oh Alex."

I keep moving in and out of her until she's a trembling mess beneath me. She's right where I want her and I pull out of her.

"tell me baby come on. Tell me and I'll finish you off."

She shakes her head trying to find my leg to get some friction.

She lets out a pleading whimper. I feel her hand move down her body as she tries to touch herself.

"oh no you're not getting off that easy tell me." I put her hands above her head.

"or what?" she asks out of breath.

I move my head down and I bite on her pulse point until she yelps out. This always gets her, but she still resists. I keep trying to get it out of her, but she won't budge at all.

It's torture. I just want to know. Knowing Casey it will be something sweet and romantic and her whole heart put into it. Which makes me want to know twice as much. I wish she would just tell me before I go insane.


	24. Chapter 24

**Author's Note: Sorry I couldn't update yesterday, but this is a longer chapter :) Alex and Casey's date so I hope it makes up for it. Enjoy.**

Ch. 24

Alex's POV

I tried all night to get Casey to give in and tell me. She never did, but we did have a fun night of trying at least. So all in all it was a good night.

Work is the last thing I want to do. Especially when I'm hours away from Casey taking me out on a date. I wish I could read her mind so I could find out, and also hear what ever dirty thoughts she might be thinking. Hey a girl can dream. I just want to know. I hate not knowing.

Now I know how she felt before our first date. I'm never doing that again. By lunch time I'm still asking her.

"why do you want to know so bad?" she laughs.

"because I love you."

"don't dish out what you can't eat."

"well if you want I could-"

She gives me a look.

"okay fine fine. Keep your secret I don't even care."

She gives me another look.

"just one tiny clue please please then I'll shut up."

"okay fine."

Yes! She cracked.

"it's romantic."

I put my head on my hand and groan.

She has an evil laugh going.

"that's not a clue."

"yes it is. You never said it had to be a good clue."

"watch your back Novak. I'm coming for you."

"oh yes you will be." she whispers.

Is it a the plague? Is it godzilla? No worse it's Olivia.

"hey Casey."

"hey Olivia." Casey smiles.

Don't sit down. Do not sit down. And she's sitting down next to Casey. Casey. My Casey. Olivia is so lucky she's a cop I would pull her out of that booth and smack some sense into her.

Casey please make her go away. Oh she's not that mean. She would never make Olivia leave out of politeness. Aside from the fact that she's her friend. I hate Olivia. I swear if she touches Casey and I don't like it. Well I guess I'll be at tomorrows arraignment as the defendant charged with murder of a police officer. Olivia needs to go away.

Leave.

Forever.

Into her deep dark cave, or where ever it is she belongs.

They're talking and laughing. Olivia touches her arm.

Keep cool Alex it's just a friendly gesture do not under any circumstances make a scene you are an adult.

Casey moves her arm away from Olivia's touch.

I'm mentally laughing at her now.

"do you have plans tonight?" Olivia asks.

She's really trying to ask out my girlfriend in front of me.

Yes she does have plans. With me. Her GIRLFRIEND. Not you Olivia. She is taking ME on a date Casey and I going to enjoy ourselves WITHOUT you. Then go home and spend all weekend making hot love again, while YOU sit at home alone without MY Casey. Go find someone else to bother because Casey's with me.

"I can't actually I have plans."

I'm smiling now. Take that Olivia. She's got plans with ME. Go find someone else to hit on because Casey isn't buying it.

"oh really?" she asks clearly thrown off.

"yeah I've been planning this thing for a while now. So umm maybe another time."

Or Olivia maybe you could just leave her alone.

"alright yeah sure."

I don't know whether to die laughing or smack her. Oh well she doesn't know Casey and I are together I'll give her that, but I'm still going to sit here in my head dying of laughter because "sexy badass" detective Olivia Benson just got shot down by my beautiful red head. I have the best girlfriend ever. She just turned down my ex for a date. I shall remember this glorious moment forever.

Casey will be getting a reward for this.

Even after Casey turned her down Olivia is still trying to put on the charm and ask Casey how she is and her day. Sorry Benson her plans aren't changing. Go away.

"Casey we have to get back to the office. I forgot we have some things to do, and I don't want to keep you too long later." I tell her.

Okay maybe I'm playing into Olivia's little tug of war with Casey here, but it is the truth. I don't want to keep Casey longer than I need to with work. Aside from that I really want to kiss her right now. I just want to get back to the office lock the door and kiss Casey.

What have I turned into? Anxious to get back to the office so I could lock the door and make out. Casey is turning me into a wild woman. The idea of sneaking around the office and stealing kisses with Casey in the office turns me on so much. Honestly I don't even care. I love Casey so much I want to love her up as much as possible. Every kiss feels like the first.

She says goodbye to Olivia, but doesn't hug her. Yeah that's my Casey shooting down Olivia. I love her so much more after witnessing this I might just take her in the office and give her her reward right there.

We get back to the office and she turns to go to her office saying she'll grab her folders.

I grab her arm before she can make it to her door, and I yank her into my office. Shutting the door and locking it fixing the blinds I push Casey up against the door.

"whoa." is all she manages to utter before I lock lips with her.

I'm quick to graze my tongue against her bottom lip fitting my knee between her legs.

"Alex whoa baby hang on." she breaks the kiss.

"what?" I groan.

I just want her in every way possible.

"I'm not doing it in the office."

The one time I actually would agree to that, my secretary is gone to lunch and she has to turn me down.

"why?" I whine.

"because tonight is our date. We'll go out, have a good time. Then when we get home we'll have an even better time. Plus I like when you're wild after waiting all day." she husks the last sentence in my ear.

If she wants wild. Hell I'll be an out of control animal by the time I get her to bed.

I move away from her surrendering.

"thank you." she slips off her coat.

"okay you may continue loving me." she holds her arms out.

I pick her up and put her on the couch and we continue our little make out session for a good 30 minutes.

"our lunch break ended 20 minutes ago." Casey says.

We're laying on my couch together.

"so?"

"don't we have work that needs to get done so we don't have to stall our date?"

"what's your point." I laugh.

"your secretary's going to wonder where we went."

"your talking about things that don't matter. I want to stay like this. Unless you want to get out of this uncomfortable skirt." I kiss her neck.

"nice try, but you're just going to have to wait until after I get to take you out."

"where are you taking me?"

"on a date."

Worth a try.

She gets up and goes to leave the office.

"no stay please." I beg her.

"I have to work. That's why we come here everyday. Not just for a different background for our kissing scenes." I wrap my hands around her waist to stop her.

"then come do your work in here."

"okay. Fine." she goes to get her stuff.

This is going to be a very long day.

By the time it's time to leave I'm nearly jumping out of my seat. I'm counting down the seconds until it's 5:30 and we can leave and don't have to worry about work until Monday. This weekend is me and Casey and the rest of the world can go to hell.

When I get home Casey lets me get my outfit and then she kicks me out of the bedroom. I wonder what she's doing in there. I really want to sneak a peak, but I don't. She comes out looking beautiful. She's wearing a shorter emerald green dress that looks beautiful on her. Her hair is wavy and her eyes are sparkling.

"wow Casey you look absolutely stunning."

I have on a light lavender colored dress and my hair straight and down. And at Casey's request I'm wearing my glasses.

"you're beautiful." she kisses me.

"careful or we'll never get to our date." I warn her.

She gives me a sly smile.

"so speaking of this date where are you taking me?" I ask her.

She's digging through her purse. She pulls out tickets to one of my favorite plays. I screech.

"5th row the perfect spot." she adds.

I hug her tightly.

"I love you, I love you, I love you."

She drives us there and I'm so excited. Casey's the best. We sit in our seats and I hold her hand. The lights go down and I sneak a kiss on her cheek.

The whole time I'm watching the play I kept hold of Casey's hand.

The play finished and Casey loved it.

"thank you. I love you." I kissed her as we walked back to the car.

"you're welcome."

We got in the car.

"home?" I asked.

"oh no. There's still more."

"oh?"

She drove us to a beautiful restaurant.

"now I couldn't exactly rent the place out, but the food here is really good, and I wanna show you something after dinner."

We sit down to dinner. This whole date is making me so happy. Casey's eaten here before so she knows what to order. I know I'll end up eating off her plate as usual.

"I love you." I take her hand and kiss it.

"did you have fun?"

"I'm having fun."

"I love you so much Alex. You're the most beautiful, perfect woman. I'm so lucky to have you."

Casey always say the sweetest things that just make me feel like jelly.

"you want me to cry in the middle of a restaurant?" I ask her as I whip my eye with my napkin.

"it's true Alex you are the most wonderful person in the whole world. I'm so glad I can call you my girlfriend."

She wants me to cry.

"don't cry."

"you're just the sweetest Casey. I'm glad to call you my girlfriend."

After dinner we didn't go to the car she brought me down and across the street.

"this is kind of dorky, but I want to show you." she told me.

"alright."

We got to a giant stone water fountain. There were a bunch of people standing around drinking cocoa and listening to the street performers. Casey brought me to where there weren't people crowded. Then started digging in her purse.

"here." she handed me a roll of pennies.

"are we going to make wishes?"

"mmhmm." she was excited.

We unrolled the roll of pennies.

"I wish for a million dollars." she threw a penny in the fountain.

"what? Isn't the point of this to not tell your wish or it wont come true."

"it's fun though. Come on you try."

I took one out of my hand.

"I wish for a kiss." I said.

She kissed my cheek.

"well councilor looks like you were wrong." she smiled.

"I wish for a kiss." she threw one in.

I stood there pretending to ignore her.

"mean." she nudged me.

"you never said who from." I laughed then kissing her cheek back.

We threw the pennies into the fountain until we ran out.

"one more wish what are you gonna wish for?" she asked.

I didn't say anything I just threw the coin into the water. I wanted to keep the wish a secret.

"what'd you wish for?" she asked.

"can't say." I told her.

"I wish you would dance with me." she held out her hand.

"you're out of pennies." I reminded her.

"and yet you still took my hand. All my wishes are coming true."

We danced to the soft music the street performers were playing. All the people that had been around us at the fountain drinking hot cocoa and making their own wishes disappeared. Just me and Casey. Even the music seemed to fade away. Moments like these I loved just us dancing and saying I love you. I'd never tire of saying that to Casey.

"I'm cold you want to go home?" she asked.

"sure."

She drives us home and we run right inside and to the elevator. She attacks me with kisses before the doors even shut. The elevator is going too damn slow. I want to get to my apartment and finish my date with Casey damn it. We get to our floor and she drags me down the hall towards the apartment door.

"stay right here. Don't come in until I tell you to."

"what? Casey." she shuts the door.

She would rile me up in the elevator to do this. I just want her. After waiting for what seemed like hours my phone buzzed. Who ever it is better not need me.

It's from Casey.

_Enter._

I open the door and walk into the apartment and leave my coat and shoes at the door. There's rose petals on the floor. I follow them into the bedroom. It's littered with candles and rose petals, but Casey isn't there she's in the bathroom.

"Casey." I call out.

"sit on the bed." she yelled.

"okay now- now you have to promise me you wont laugh."

"I won't."

"promise?"

"I promise Casey."

"swear on your life."

"I swear I won't laugh."

"okay." I can hear here shuffling around in the bathroom.

"swear it."

"Casey what ever it is I won't laugh. Unless you're wearing a chicken suite then I may giggle a little."

"you wouldn't find me sexy in a chicken suite?"

"Casey come on I'm dying out here just let me see."

There's silence.

"I'm gonna go to sleep. I'm kind of tired."

"no no. Okay fine. I'm coming."

"without me?" I joke.

"Alex!"

The door to the bathroom clicks open.

"close your eyes." she tells me.

I shut my eyes.

"are they closed."

"yes my love."

"okay open them."

I open my eyes and Casey's standing in front of me in the sexiest outfit. My mouth falls open. I'm surprised I'm not drooling. She's wearing a light rose colored baby doll and matching lace panties.

"well?" she asks nervously

"is it Christmas?" I ask her.

"you like it?" she smiles brightly.

"no." I shake my head.

"Alex."

"I love it. You look hot. Come here." I gesture for her to come closer.

She saunters towards me.

"you look absolutely beautiful in this."

"it's not too much? I mean this and the petals and stuff?"

"nope."

"I know it's only the second date, but I wanted to do something special for you."

"I love it. I love you."

She kisses me.

"as beautiful as you look do you want to get out of this dress?" she starts unzipping the dress.

As soon as she gets the dress of me I throw her on the bed. She yelps and laughs.

"aren't I suppose to be the one taking care of you tonight?" she asked as I kissed her chest.

"you're just so beautiful. Weren't you the one who said you like me wild?"

"I do, but you have all weekend with me."

"Casey if you didn't want me wild from the get you should've dressed in a nuns outfit or bubble wrap even then I can't make any promises I wouldn't still want to have my way with you. But this is driving me crazy, you drive me crazy. I don't know what you put in that coffee you bring me, but I can't get enough of you."

She's like a drug to me. I can't get enough of my lovely Casey.

"so I've noticed." she laughs when I kiss her breast through the fabric.

The way she looks, feels, smells, tastes it's all so addictive. I don't know why anyone does drugs.

I start to kiss down her body.

"whoa stud muffin." she pulls me back up to her lips.

"stud muffin?" I laugh.

"yes. Tonight is your night. I'm going to take care of you. Then you can touch me and kiss me and love me all you want."

She sits up and I take her place laying on the pillows. She kisses my neck and chest.


	25. Chapter 25

**Author's Note: Well here is the much awaited Olivia's reaction. I hope you like it.**

Ch. 25

Casey's POV

The whole week after me and Alex's date I spend all my time with her. Working with her, eating with her, talking to her, sleeping with her in both senses of the word. If I'm not with her for some reason she's all I can think about. I never want to not be around her. She's just so wonderful and amazing and everything I ever could've dreamed of and more. Even better than I dreamed of now that I think of it.

She's just perfect, and beautiful. She's all I can think about.

All my focus is on Alex that I've sort of forgotten Olivia. I feel kind of bad. She comes into my office asking if I want to have lunch with her. I decline as I have plans to lock myself with Alex in her office for a half out make out session. I obviously don't tell Olivia that I just inform her I have other plans. Which isn't technically lying.

Aside from Alex most of my focus is on our date Friday. She keeps trying to get the surprise out of me, but I'm not giving in. She has an unfair advantage too. Now we're making love, before she took me on her date we weren't so I couldn't use it against her. Oh well it's still fun, and I am definitely not one to complain when it comes to Alex Cabot trying to fuck the information out of me.

"please tell me. I'll love you forever." she begs me Thursday night.

"not a chance. I thought you already loved me forever?"

"okay fine forever *kiss* and ever *kiss* and ever *kiss*." she kisses my cheeks and neck.

"that's a long time." I point out.

There's a bit of silence before I again say no. It is ridiculously hard to say no to Alex when she's above me half naked and I'm really turned on.

"what if I try to get you to scream it."

Her hand moves down my body. Oh god. No I can't give in. Oh but then we can end this torture. No Casey! Do not give into the beautiful blonde on top of you. Control yourself. Oh who am I kidding there is no such thing as control when it comes to Alex.

"but that's where you're wrong. When you make me scream I forget everything, and my vocabulary is reduced to your name, begging and curse words." I correct her.

"still worth a shot."

She moves her hand under my panties and pushes into my begging center hard and fast. I try hard not to fall under her spell.

"you like a challenge councilor?" I ask her.

"always."

She pushes in harder hit a sensitive spot within. She's really trying to get what she wants.

"oh Alex." I moan.

She keeps moving in and out of me. One thing I learned very quickly is Alex Cabot is very good at getting what she wants when she really wants it. When she pulls out I feel empty again.

"tell me baby come on. Tell me and I'll finish you off."

I can't take it anymore. Between the touching and the talking and the being beautiful Alex really knows how to work me up. When I try to just finish myself she notices and throws my hands back above my head. She's so sexy when she's dominating in bed. Which is almost always. Hell she's even sexy when she's dominate out of bed. Which again is always. Bottom line Alex is sexy all the time.

"oh no you're not getting off that easy tell me."

"or what?" I'm out of breath and I just want release.

Alex Cabot is going to be the death of me.

She never managed to get the information out of me. Even with some tempting offers. I was not going to budge.

The next day at lunch I see Olivia. She asks if I had plans for this evening. I say I do, but not who with. I don't exactly know how to tell Olivia Alex is my girlfriend.

When Alex and I get back I go towards my office.

"I'll just grab that file for-"

She grabs my arm and pulls me into her office. She shuts the door and pushes me up against it. I love this woman.

"whoa."

She crashes her lips onto mine before I can say anything else. Her lips are so soft. I feel her knee come up between my legs.

"Alex whoa baby hang on."

"what?"

As much as I would love and have fantasized about making love in Alex's office I want to wait until after our date tonight.

"I'm not doing it in the office."

"why?" she whines.

"because tonight is our date. We'll go out, have a good time. Then when we get home we'll have an even better time. Plus I like when you're wild after waiting all day."

I have a surprise for her later and I'm going to take advantage of this state Alex is in.

She releases me and I take my coat off tossing it on her coat rack.

I love "lunch" with Alex. Ever since Alex and I have been together I have little to no stress at work. If I do have any it goes away by the time we get our break and we're locked in here kissing and feeling each other up. She's a little more urgent that usual as if that's possible, so I know tonight she'll love my surprise.

When we get home I kick her out of the bedroom so I can put out some candles and rose petals for later. Then I hide my outfit for later under the pillow. I hope she likes the surprise and doesn't think it's too much.

She looks absolutely beautiful in her evening dress. She even wore her glasses for me.

When I give her the tickets to her favorite play she screeches. I get even more excited because she's so happy. I was so nervous.

We get to the theatre and find our seats. Alex grips my hand and when the lights go down kisses me on the cheek. I can't help but smile.

Once the play ends I take Alex to dinner at a restaurant I knew she'd love. After dinner I wanted to take her to the fountain to make wishes. I had a bunch of pennies and we kept saying out wishes out loud.

As soon as Alex and I make it to the elevator I shower her with kisses as part of my evil plan. Okay maybe not evil well until I tell her to wait in the hall until I say so. I toss my shoes and coat off go in the bedroom finding the rest of the rose petals.

I really hope Alex like this. I wanted to do something perfect for her. After all the most perfect woman in all of the world deserves the perfect end to the perfect date. As soon as I'm done littering the petals leading up to the bedroom and lighting candles I run into the bathroom off the bedroom and I text her that she can come in now. I change out of my dress and into the outfit I bought a few days ago with Alex in mind. As I slip the thing on I start feeling ridiculous and self conscious as I look in the mirror. What if she hates this sort of thing or thinks it's too much.

"Casey."

Crap maybe I should just forget the idea all together and just go out there in my bra and underwear and not this stupid thing.

"sit on the bed." I tell her.

This is a bad idea. She's going to hate it. She'll think I'm trying too hard or something. I just want to look nice for her though.

"okay now- now you have to promise me you wont laugh." I tell her.

"I won't."

We keep going back and forth. I keep trying to stall so I can make a final decision.

She's getting anxious both good and bad. Alex anxious is much more fun in bed, but if she's disappointed she'll be pissed. Oh what do I do.

"I'm going to sleep." she calls.

"no no. Okay fine. I'm coming."

Fuck it I'm just going to do it. If she really doesn't like it I can just take it off and burn it later.

"without me?" she jokes.

"Alex!" I groan.

I reach for the handle of the door nervous beyond belief. I tell her to close her eyes. I turn the bathroom light off and I step out into the candle light. God she's gorgeous. Just sitting on the side.

Now or never Novak.

I swallow my pride and I tell her to open her eyes.

She opens her eyes and looks me over her mouth falling open.

"well?" I ask nervously.

"is it Christmas?"

"you like it?"

"no."

She then tells me she loves it. Thank you whatever force is out there that made Alex like this outfit.

"you look hot. Come here." she motions for me to come closer.

Slowly I make my way over to my beautiful girlfriend. She takes my hands in hers and tells me I look beautiful.

I'm relieved and happy she likes it. See I had nothing to worry about.

"as beautiful as you do look do you want to get out of this dress?"

By the look on her face she's dying to get out of it and have me. I unzip the dress kissing her shoulders and neck. I push the dress off her body and it falls to the floor and is kicked to the side to be dealt with later. Free of dress she picks me up and throws me on the bed.

This wild dominating way about her is something I never expected and thought would only be a figment of dreams and fantasy. Knowing Alex Cabot before all this I never would've guessed it at all. Maybe it's the way she presents herself, or the lawyer thing, maybe it's the fact that she's very quiet about her private life, but I never expected this. I love it though as they say it's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

She kisses the top of my breasts.

"aren't I suppose to be the one taking care of you tonight?" I ask her.

"you're just so beautiful. Weren't you the one who said you like me wild?" she kisses my neck.

I'm melting under her touch and kisses. Oh god. Do not give in this is Alex's night.

"I do, but you have all weekend with me."

"Casey if you didn't want me wild from the get, you should've dressed in a nuns outfit or bubble wrap even then I can't make any promises I wouldn't still want to have my way with you. But this is driving me crazy, you drive me crazy. I don't know what you put in that coffee you bring me, but I can't get enough of you."

I let her continue the kisses on my breasts. Maybe letting her give a little isn't so bad.

"so I've noticed." I laugh.

When her kisses start to move south I know what she's trying to do.

"whoa stud muffin." I pull her back up so I can kiss her lips.

She laughs at my statement.

When I finally get her to submit after much begging I straddle her waist and give her kisses all over her upper body. She puts her hands on my hips. I pick my head up.

"you are beautiful, and sexy, and all mine." I kiss behind her ear.

Just like last weekend Alex and I spend the better part of it in bed together.

Tuesday at work I was once again left alone as Alex was dragged off to meetings. I hate when she's in meetings. I don't see her all day, and she looks completely drained of energy.

Olivia comes in around lunch time.

"hey are you busy for lunch?" she asked.

I look behind her at Alex's closed office door. I want my lunch break with Alex.

"umm no."

I get my coat and leave with her.

"so where've you been lately?"she asked.

"just umm busy."

Maybe this is the perfect time to tell her about Alex. It's the right thing to do. If she hates me for it well it's her loss. I really hope she doesn't she is a good friend, but honestly if she can't accept my being with Alex I don't even want to be her friend. She doesn't have to like Alex, but I would at least want her to accept that Alex and I are together.

"Olivia there's something I need to tell you."

"do you want to go out?" she ignores me statement.

Wait what? What just happened? Am I being punked.

"what?"

"like a date. Say maybe Friday night. Dinner? I know this amazing place-"

"whoa whoa Olivia stop."

"come on Casey it'll be fun."

She takes my hand in hers just like Alex usually does, but this isn't the same loving sentiment.

"Olivia I can't." I take my hand from hers.

She narrows her eye brows.

"what I mean is I'm with someone." I tell her.

"I was about to say that I'm with Alex."

"what?" she asks out raged.

"Alex and I-"

"no no I heard you. Casey are you crazy. I thought we talked about this. She's not good enough for you. Weren't you just fighting with her." she flips out.

"excuse me I'm a big girl I can make my own decisions. I want to be with Alex."

"she doesn't deserve you Casey."

Where is she getting her information from.

"who are you to say whether or not she deserves me Olivia? I love her."

"she's not a good person Casey. She's a mean heartless person who has no regard for anyone else but herself. It's all about Alex. She's selfish Casey. I don't want that for you."

"what Alex Cabot are you talking about. I've known her for four months and I have yet to see any of that."

"I've known Alex for years Casey she's not good."

"I really don't care what you think Olivia. She's my girlfriend and I love her."

"you've known her four months Casey. How much do you actually know about her?"

"really then where was she born?"

"I'm not playing this game with you Olivia. I love her. I really don't care what you think. I told you because I thought you should know, and you were my only other friend besides Alex. I know you asked her out, but still you don't have to be such a bitch." I slide out of the booth.

"Casey I'm trying to protect you."

"I don't need protecting Olivia. I love Alex and Alex loves me. Nothing you do or say is ever going to change that."

I turn to leave and she gets in front of me.

"please sit and hear me out." she says calmly.

"you lost my attention the moment you called my girlfriend heartless and selfish."

"no Casey you need to hear this."

"stop it Olivia."

"Alex is an alcoholic." she blurts.

"don't you ever say anything about Alex again." I warn her.

I leave the restaurant in tears. I don't even go back to the office. I go to my apartment and lay on my bed crying my eyes out.

My phone starts ringing.

"hello."

"Casey where are you? What's wrong?" Alex asks urgently.

I don't answer her I just sniffle.

"Casey… Casey honey come on please talk to me."

I start crying thinking about what Olivia said. She's wrong about Alex. Alex is the most kind hearted selfless person I know. I hang up the phone.

My bedroom door is locked I hear Alex come into the apartment.

"Casey what's wrong please open the door." Alex begs.

"I love you Casey, but I can't help if you don't talk to me. Please."

I get up and I open the door. She's right there. I hug her tightly and breakdown crying.

"it's okay baby." she kisses my cheek

"it's okay."

"what happened?" she asked.

"Olivia she- she."

She hugs me again.

"I told her about us, and she said these awful things about you." I cried.

I take a shaky breath.

"horrible things that just hurt because all of it was a lie, because you're not like that."

Olivia's wrong about Alex. She's the most amazing person in the world.


	26. Chapter 26

Ch. 26

Alex's POV

After my meeting I get back to the office and Casey is gone. Two hours before we're suppose to leave. My first instinct is to call her.

"hello." her voice shakes.

I immediately start panicking. What's wrong with Casey? Is she okay? Does she need me?

"Casey where are you? What's wrong?" I ask her.

There's a noise, she's crying I can hear it.

"Casey… Casey honey come on please talk to me." I beg her.

She doesn't I let my secretary know I'm leaving and I drive straight home.

"Casey! Casey baby!" I call out.

The apartment is empty. I try to think of where else she might go. Her apartment right. I forget she has an apartment she's always here.

I drive over to Casey's apartment and let myself in. The bedroom door is shut and locked.

"Casey what's wrong please open the door." I call out to her.

"I love you Casey, but I can't help if you don't talk to me. Please."

I listen to the light footsteps towards the door. Okay so it probably wasn't anything I did.

As soon as she comes out I pull her into a hug and kiss her wet cheek in an attempt to comfort her.

I ask her what happened.

"Olivia she- she."

Olivia. Alright she can play her games try and get Casey to piss me off, say things to piss me off, but the second she hurt Casey. She's going to get a piece of my mind. No one hurts Casey. It takes a lot to make Casey cry and well she's done it. She hurt the most wonderful person in the world, and now she'll have me to deal with.

I know it must've been bad knowing Olivia. I hug Casey again.

I hate seeing her like this. I don't know what to do or say. I feel like I should be able to do more. Casey is just so amazing she doesn't deserve whatever crap Olivia's putting her through.

"I told her about us, and she said these awful things about you." she manages to explain over her sobs.

She would do something stupid like that.

"horrible things that just hurt because all of it was a lie, because you're not like that." she said.

I'm scared to know what she said.

"she said you were mean and heartless and I just went off on her. She said you didn't deserve me and you were selfish but you're not Alex, and I just hated what she was saying she wouldn't shut up." she cries.

I sit her down on the bed.

"I was going to tell her about us, and just as I was about to she asked me out. I turned her down and said I was with you and she just started talking about trying to protect me and that's you're this awful person. I don't understand any of it. I get it you turned her down but she doesn't have to be this huge spiteful bitch."

"what? Where did you hear that I turned her down."

"she told me. I asked her why you two didn't get along and she said she asked you out and you turned her down."

Seriously Olivia.

"that's not what happened."

"what?"

I take a deep breath.

"I'm sorry Casey I should've told you, but Olivia and I we were together."

A tear falls down her eye.

"when?"

"before I went into witness protection and for a few months after I came back."

She stays quiet.

"what happened?"

"like I told you I changed she didn't like it. I was going through a lot when I came back I wasn't the same I got really depressed and the relationship took the hit. We fought all the time and it wasn't good so she left me."

"why didn't you tell me?" she asked.

"I didn't know how to. I know you and Olivia are friends-"

"were friends."

"were friends and I didn't think it would be fair. I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad. It's not like we were together when I asked or anything."

"she said something else though, and it was weird. She said you're an alcoholic."

Oh god Olivia was really going to hear it. Why the hell would she tell Casey that? Casey doesn't need to hear that from her. She needed to hear of that from me. What baffles me is that Olivia has no regard for how she effects people. I don't know what she was thinking if she was trying to get Casey to leave me or hurt me, but in no sense is that right at all. I just hate that she tried to use that to 'win' Casey. Casey said no she was with someone. It's not Olivia's job to break that up unless she has hard evidence I'm a murder. Which sadly I might become next time I see Olivia.

I hadn't told Casey about my drinking because I didn't know how to, but thanks Olivia for throwing me under the bus.

"Casey I always want to be honest with you okay." I took hold of her hands.

"after I came back from witness protection I was depressed and Olivia left me and I got even worse I started drinking a lot."

"but I've never even seen you take a drink."

"before I met you I was trying to stop because it was getting bad. It was affecting my work and so I was trying. That's why I never drink I can't. I hadn't had a drink in months. Until before our fight. Y- you went to the bathroom and Olivia said somethings I went home and I fell through the cracks. That's why I yelled at you. I didn't want you to know the truth because you deserve better than an angry drunk. That's what happens when I drink and I never wanted to do that to you." I started crying.

She hugs me.

"it's okay Alex. It's okay."

"you deserve better than that and I'm trying."

"when was the last time?"

"before our fight. Before that it was before I met you. I don't know I met you and I didn't even think about it anymore. I don't think about it anymore really. It doesn't bother me. I just don't because I don't have a reason to drink anymore. I'm happy now. I feel like Alex Cabot again because I have you. You make me feel like a whole person again. No one else has ever been able to do that."

She smiles.

"I love you so much. Olivia was wrong. I don't care about the drinking either. We all have things we aren't proud of, but Alex I am always here for you if you need to talk."

"I don't need to talk because you're all I need. You make me a better person."

She kisses me on the lips.

"I love you." I whisper.

"it was her loss because you're the best person in the entire world." she tells me.

I take Casey home and we make dinner. Well more she makes dinner and I stand by watching and tasting.

Olivia did a shit thing, but I think telling Casey everything made our relationship stronger. But Olivia still isn't off the hook. She lied to my girlfriend and made her cry. Nobody does that and gets away with it.

I leave early before Casey wakes up. I leave a note on my pillow for her so she wont worry.

It's early, but I know Olivia will be at the precinct anyway.

Not many people are there since it's early, but Olivia is.

"detective." I walk towards the desk.

She doesn't acknowledge me.

"detective Benson a word." I demand.

I have no patience for her right now.

"what?"

"a word in private." I hiss through my teeth.

She gets up and follows me into one of the interview rooms. She shuts the door behind her.

"what the hell is your problem?" I ask her.

"excuse me."

"yesterday. You upset Casey."

She looks down at the floor with a smirk.

"What the hell made you think it was okay to say those things to her?"

"I'm trying to protect her Alex."

"that is not your job Olivia. I didn't care about you and her being friends before. If that's what made Casey happy fine, but I have a really big problem when she's upset as a result of things you said."

"maybe she's upset because now she knows the truth about you Alex.

"don't give me that crap this is all your fault. She's upset because of what **you **did, she's upset because of what **you **said."

"She deserved to know didn't seem like you were going to tell her anytime soon."

"what I tell my girlfriend and when I tell her is up to me, not you. I was going to tell her when I thought she was ready to hear it. But no you had to tell her when it was convenient for you. For your information this is me and Casey's relationship not yours."

"I'm her friend."

"and I had a pet gold fish. It doesn't matter. You had no right to hurt her like that. You can sit here and hate me and tell me I'm not good enough for her, but that doesn't change how I feel about her, but tell here those things are wrong. Even you know that."

"you're not good enough for her she deserves better."

"maybe your right, but until she looks me in the eye and tells me she is unhappy with me and doesn't love me anymore I will spend the rest of my life trying to give her all the love she deserves and more. You need to grow up and get over whatever is wrong with you because I love Casey and she loves me. Nothing you say or do is ever going change that. Unless it has to do with a case don't you ever talk to her again."

I leave the precinct and head to the office.

It's an hour before Casey gets there. She comes in with two coffees and shuts the door.

"hey." she smiles.

"good morning. Oh thank you." she sets the coffee in front of me.

"where were you this morning? I missed you." she comes towards me.

"I had something to take care of."

"well I didn't even get my good morning kiss." she leans down and kisses me.

We were busy working on a case all day so we had to work through lunch. When we get home I just want to lay down and cuddle Casey. We lay on the couch watching tv she lays in my arms cuddled under a blanket.

"how are you?" I asked her when a commercial comes on.

"better. You talked to Olivia didn't you?" she asked.

"yes. She shouldn't have done that to you."

"are you mad she said those things?"

"I'm just mad that you were upset by it. I don't care what she says about me. It just bothered me that it upset you as much as it did."

She kissed me on the lips.

"what was that for?"

"because you love me." she says with a smile.

I never want to see Casey unhappy. She's too amazing to be unhappy. I'm only happy if she's happy. Anyone who takes that happiness away from her better hope I never find out about it.

"more than life."

She smiles and kisses me.


	27. Chapter 27

Ch.27

Casey's POV

I hate everything Olivia said. None of it's true.

I explain everything Olivia said. I'm still crying hard. Alex sits me down and listens rubbing my back comforting. My crying soften.

"I was going to tell her about us, and just as I was about to she asked me out. I turned her down and said I was with you and she just started talking about trying to protect me and that's you're this awful person. I don't understand any of it. I get it you turned her down but she doesn't have to be this huge spiteful bitch."

"what? Where did you hear that I turned her down."

"she told me. I asked her why you two didn't get along and she said she asked you out and you turned her down."

"that's not what happened."

"what?"

Why would Olivia lie to me like that? Well I guess she never really was a true friend. She probably only said that so I wouldn't ask Alex out.

"I'm sorry Casey I should've told you, but Olivia and I we were together."

What? Olivia and Alex together. It must've been bad because every time they're in the same room they look at each other. I've been waiting for the day there's a beat down.

"when?" I ask her.

"before I went into witness protection and for a few months after I came back."

"what happened?"

"like I told you I changed she didn't like it. I was going through a lot when I came back I wasn't the same I got really depressed and the relationship took the hit. We fought all the time and it wasn't good so she left me."

"why didn't you tell me?"

I don't care she was with Olivia years ago. It explains a lot, but it doesn't bother me. I'm not upset I'm just hearing this. I just want to make sure Alex feels she can come to me and talk to me about anything.

"I didn't know how to. I know you and Olivia are friends-"

"were friends." I correct her.

"were friends and I didn't think it would be fair. I'm sorry."

"I'm not mad. It's not like we were together when I asked or anything." I tell her.

"she said something else though, and it was weird. She said you're an alcoholic." I add.

I told Alex because she needs to know.

"Casey I always want to be honest with you okay." her voice is shaking and she takes my hands

"after I came back from witness protection I was depressed and Olivia left me and I got even worse I started drinking a lot."

"but I've never even seen you take a drink." I point out.

"before I met you I was trying to stop because it was getting bad. It was affecting my work and so I was trying to stop. That's why I never drink I can't. I hadn't had a drink in months. Until before our fight. Y- you went to the bathroom and Olivia said somethings I went home and I fell through the cracks. That's why I yelled at you. I didn't want you to know the truth because you deserve better than an angry drunk. That's what happens when I drink and I never wanted to do that to you." she's crying now.

I hug her tightly.

I don't care about her drinking. I still love her as much as I did before maybe even more now because I know she can open up to me, and trusts me with such a dark thing.

"it's okay Alex. It's okay." I assure her.

"you deserve better than that and I'm trying." she cries.

"when was the last time?" I ask her.

"before our fight. Before that it was before I met you. I don't know I met you and I didn't even think about it anymore. I don't think about it anymore really. It doesn't bother me. I just don't because I don't have a reason to drink anymore. I'm happy now. I feel like Alex Cabot again because I have you. You make me feel like a whole person again. No one else has ever been able to do that."

I smile. I love Alex. I love that she stopped because of me. I love that I can make her feel like Alex Cabot again.

"I love you so much. Olivia was wrong. I don't care about the drinking either. We all have things we aren't proud of, but Alex I am always here for you if you need to talk." I tell her.

"I don't need to talk because you're all I need. You make me a better person."

I kiss her. I love her more than anything flaws and all.

"I love you." she says.

"it was her loss because you're the best person in the entire world." I say to her.

I love Alex. I accept her flaws. If she ever needs anything I will always be there for her to support her and love her no matter what. I'd do anything for her because she means the world to me and I love her. I have never felt this way for anyone in my life.

When I wake up the next morning I'm laying on my pillow. I always sleep on Alex's chest. I check the clock. It's 7:30 usually Alex is in the shower by now, but I don't hear the shower.

"Alex."

I slide out of bed and toss on my robe.

I'm about to call out for her again when I hear the crunch of paper under my feet. I pick it up and read it.

_I didn't want to wake you up you looked so peaceful. I had to go take care of something at work. I'll see you later. I love you. _

Right away I know where she is. Probably yelling at Olivia for yesterday. Olivia deserves it. She really hurt me saying those things about Alex and telling me about Alex's drinking. That was Alex's thing to tell not hers. I don't care if she was trying to protects me. I'm an adult I can take care of myself. I can't stand that she tried to use that as ammo against Alex. Alex had a rough time in witness protection I can't even imagine how hard it is to be forced to be someone you aren't then come back to being yourself and not feeling it. Olivia leaving her because things got hard is just stupid. If I was with Alex I would've tried to help her before it got bad. I would never leave Alex if things got too hard I would do everything in my power to help her and make it better.

I don't say anything about where she probably was until after dinner when we were laying on the couch and she asks how I am.

"better. You talked to Olivia didn't you?".

"yes. She shouldn't have done that to you."

"are you mad she said those things?" I asked her.

"I'm just mad that you were upset by it. I don't care what she says about me. It just bothered me that it upset you as much as it did."

She was more affected by how I felt than any of the things Olivia said. She went to talk to Olivia because of how I felt not because she was hurt by the words.

I kiss her.

"what was that for?"

"because you love me." I smile.

Thursday afternoon when we get back from lunch with Alex there's a note on my desk. It's from McCoy.

The secretary tells me to go into the office.

"Ms. Novak please have a seat."

My palms are sweaty and I'm almost sure I'm ready to to throw up.

"I'm sure you're wondering why you're here."

No. Seriously what kind of question is that. Just tell me why I'm here damn it.

I just nod.

"well these past months Ms. Cabot has been giving you glowing reports. Your conviction rates are soaring. I was going to call you up within a week to let you know you're off probation."

Thank god.

"but something has been brought to my attention."

Shit. What did I do this time? Did I miss file something? I've been doing everything by the book. Oh god I'm going to throw up.

"it's been brought to my attention that someone else who will remain unnamed has expressed concerns about you.."

"excuse me?"

"Ms. Novak are you aware that I have a strict policy about relationships in the office?"

"yes sir."

He start lecturing me on how inappropriate it is.

"the office has a very highly regarded reputation Ms. Novak."

There's a pause.

"if this is that case and you are having a relationship in my office you have by Monday morning to make a decision. A fling or your job. Failure to comply with policy will result in a review of your action by the board from there they will make their decision."

Scratch throwing up I want to cry. I want to scream at the top of my lungs punch McCoy and cry.

"you are dismissed."

I leave the office abruptly. Why does everything suck so badly for me right now? Everything was great. I had my job I have Alex. I love Alex, and I love my job. But how would he expect me to make that choice. A fling? Absolutely not. Alex was never a fling. Alex deserves more than to be a fling, she's more special than that. I love her she's my girlfriend. My other half. The milk to my cookies. The peanut butter to my jelly. The light of my day, and the reason I wake up every morning. I can't choose work over her. I love her too much to choose something like that over her. I can get another job. I can't get another Alex Cabot. I don't want another Alex Cabot. I want my Alex Cabot. I want to be with Alex forever.

I just sit on Alex bed crying because I don't know what to say to Alex, but I texted her anyway. I didn't want to do this at the office.

I hear her come in.

"honey what's the matter?"

"McCoy he knows about us."

Her face falls.

"well not us. Me. He knows I'm having a relationship in the office. He threatened to send my actions to the board if I didn't end it."

She looks sad and ready to cry.

"I'm not going to end this Alex not even for my job. I like my job, but I love you more."

"Casey don't-"

"no Alex. I love you and nothing will ever change that. I love you."

"but you worked so hard to come back. You work hard."

"none of that matters. Nothing matters if I can't be with you. When you said I made you feel like Alex Cabot again well that's how I feel. I feel like Casey Novak again. I love you. No job or anything else will ever come above you or make me feel the way you do. I love you."

"Casey I love you too, but I can't let you sacrifice something you worked so hard for."

I hate seeing Alex cry like this it's making me cry more.

"and I'm not going to sacrifice the woman I love for a stupid job. I would be stupid to do that. Monday morning I'm going to tell McCoy to send my actions to the board because I love you and nothing will change that okay?"

She nods.

"I'm sorry Casey." she muffles over her cries.

"this isn't your fault Alex. McCoy is a stupid ass who's jealous of us."

"I just want to fix this." she says.

"we'll get through this I promise."

I hope we can.

"what if I talk to McCoy?" she asks.

"no Alex I don't want you in trouble for this too."

"Casey we're in this together. McCoy will listen to me. If not I will make him listen."

"Alex no I don't want you to get in trouble too. He doesn't know it's you I'm with."

"what if I tell him that you aren't with anyone."

"just let me take care of this please."

I don't want to drag Alex down with me like that. I'm lucky she's standing by me now.

"I love you Casey no matter what happens I love you." she kisses me.

"I love you too."

She doesn't leave my side the rest of the night.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I keep going over my head what I would do when I lost my job. I'm not even saying if because I know it's going to happen. He's going to fire me. I'll get disbarred and yet again be an embarrassment to everyone. I hope Alex doesn't see me like that when everything goes down. I can't stand the thought of disappointing her.

We should've been more careful. We just get so caught up with each other that we forget seven billion other people live on this planet.

The next morning is quiet. Alex asks again if I want her to talk to McCoy. I still say no not wanting to put her out like that.

I try to set up a meeting with McCoy but he's busy until later in the afternoon. Alex has meetings so I don't even get to see her. I feel so alone right now. All I want is to be back at home in Alex's arms. She makes everything better and makes me feel safe because I'm so scared right now.

I try to imagine Alex telling me everything is going to be okay and to not worry. I've been waiting almost ten minutes for McCoy.

I hear the door open and Olivia walks in.

She sees me and turns pale white almost.

What does she need to talk to McCoy about? If she did I would know about it, or Alex. We're not on speaking terms personally, but we're still her squads ADA anything involving this office has to go through me and Alex.

Slowly she backs away and leaves.

I know it's her. She wanted this to happen. Her stupid little revenge against Alex thing. I get up and follow her.

"detective Benson." I call out for her.

"sorry I didn't know you were busy." she says to me.

"you did this didn't you?" I ask her.

"I have no idea what you're talking about."

"yes you do. You went to McCoy."

"it was my duty to tell him what I know is going on."

"no it's not. You did that to fill your own selfish agenda because I turned you down. You knew McCoy would look at it more seriously if it was me because I'm on probation. It doesn't take a damn detective to know what you're doing Olivia."

"I'm trying to protect you."

"by making me lose my job?"

Is she freaking kidding me? She's not trying to protect me.

"to make you see that there's more important things than risking your hard work for Alex."

"nothing is more important than Alex. Not my job and most certainly not you."

"Casey if you just see-"

"stop it Olivia, stop. I don't care what you do. You can take away my job, you can make me cry, hell you can tell me every bad thing you know about Alex, but nothing will ever make me leave Alex. Especially for you."


	28. Chapter 28

Ch. 28

Alex's POV

Not even two days after Olivia's little stunt and Casey's texts me to come home. She had a meeting with McCoy so it must not have gone well. I don't even have time to grab my stuff I just get my car keys lock my door and leave.

When I get home she's laying on the bed crying. First Olivia now McCoy. Is it too early to say everyone sucks.

I hate this. I don't even know what happened and I hate this. She's crying. I can't stand when Casey cries. It breaks my heart into a million pieces.

"honey what's the matter?" I ask her.

"McCoy he knows about us."

Oh god. No. He can't Why this why now? Why couldn't he just get her off probation so she could be happy? I want my Casey happy.

"well not us. Me. He knows I'm having a relationship in the office. He threatened to send my actions to the board if I didn't end it."

What? I would love to know what evidence he has of this relationship. We're both in this and she's getting in trouble. No. That's stupid. I know McCoy hasn't had a relationship since the dark ages, but he does realize there's two people in a relationship right? I don't want Casey to get in trouble for this. I don't want her to lose something she's worked so hard to earn.

"I'm not going to end this Alex not even for my job. I like my job, but I love you more."

"Casey don't-"

"no Alex. I love you and nothing will ever change that. I love you." she says.

"but you worked so hard to come back. You work hard." I remind her.

I've never seen anyone work as hard as her. I don't want to see her throw that away.

"none of that matters. Nothing matters if I can't be with you. When you said I made you feel like Alex Cabot again well that's how I feel. I feel like Casey Novak again. I love you. No job or anything else will ever come above you or make me feel the way you do. I love you."

I love Casey so much and I want what's best for her.

"Casey I love you too, but I can't let you sacrifice something you worked so hard for."

"and I'm not going to sacrifice the woman I love for a stupid job. I would be stupid to do that. Monday morning I'm going to tell McCoy to send my actions to the board because I love you and nothing will change that okay?"

I don't want her to do that to herself. If something bad happens and I'm not there to take the heat too I'll feel awful Casey and I are in this together.

"I'm sorry Casey."

"this isn't your fault Alex. McCoy is a stupid ass who's jealous of us."

"I just want to fix this."

I just want to be able to do or say something that will make this all better, and go back to the way things were. Just us sneaking into my office to make out and no one knowing but us. Just me and Casey.

"we'll get through this I promise."

"what if I talk to McCoy?" I ask.

"no Alex I don't want you in trouble for this too."

I don't care. I did this too. I told Casey I loved her. I took her on a date. I initiate 90% of the office kissing.

"Casey we're in this together. McCoy will listen to me. If not I will make him listen."

"Alex no I don't want you to get in trouble too. He doesn't know it's you I'm with."

"what if I tell him that you aren't with anyone."

"just let me take care of this please."

"I love you Casey no matter what happens I love you." I kiss her.

"I love you too."

I will stand by Casey no matter what, but I hate letting her take the fall for this. We both broke the rules. I don't understand why if McCoy knew Casey was having a relationship he wouldn't try to find out who the other person is.

Casey isn't sleeping I know it. She's laying on my chest ad even thought I can't see her eyes I know she's awake.

There must be some way I can fix this. I want to fix this for her. I don't want to see her unhappy.

She worked so hard to get her job back after everything. Even if getting censured was partly her fault still she works hard. The board is going to see that Brady violation and kick her to the curb. I don't want that to happen to her. I don't know what I can do though. I'm not going to give McCoy the satisfaction of ruining Casey's life and breaking us up. Until Casey says so I'm not leaving her. I'm here through thick and thin with her. She's everything.

I really want to go talk to McCoy for her. I know the perfect time to do so at our lunch this afternoon with the Attorney General Robert Donahue.

Maybe if I say a bunch of good things about Casey's work maybe McCoy will have second thoughts of bringing Casey's actions to the board. But I cannot just sit by and watch Casey take the fall for this. She doesn't deserve that. She deserves better than that.

McCoy was busy shmoozing Donahue for the first half of lunch.

After our meals came McCoy started talking about a case I had worked on a few months ago with Casey. Not a single mention of Casey. Even though I only won that case because of her.

"you know sir I wouldn't have won that case without the help of Casey Novak." I point out.

"you know Casey Novak right?" I ask Donahue.

"not familiar with the name no."

"oh well she's just amazing. She has a 77% conviction rate."

I say every good thing I can about Casey, well work wise anyway.

"well sounds like Ms. Novak is very highly regarded Jack how come I haven't heard her until now."

McCoy is giving me a weird look. Not quiet the shut up look, but not the impressed nodding and thinking look.

"she's a bit untraditional." McCoy said.

What the hell is that suppose to mean.

"well I believe she has huge potential." I tell him.

"wow Jack looks like you have a good team in that office. Good to know someone's getting something done over there." Donahue says to him.

I really hope that this works and Jack reconsiders Casey now that his boss is pretty much loving her and hasn't even met her yet.

After my last meeting I go to Casey's office to get her so we can go home. She looks furious. I hope she didn't talk to McCoy and get mad about what I did.

"hey." I say to her.

She looks up and smiles. Thank god I really don't want Casey to be mad at me.

"we need to talk." she says seriously.

"okay."

"not here. At home."

The car ride home I'm so nervous. I don't know if she's mad at what I did, or if McCoy said something else or what.

"so what happened?" I asked her.

"I didn't talk to McCoy today."

Then what's wrong why does she look ready to scream and yell.

"I found out who did talk to McCoy though."

Crap crap crap. Please don't be mad at me.

"it was Olivia. She told McCoy I was seeing someone in the office. I was waiting to see him and she came in. I just knew, so I confronted her. She goes on about this bull crap that she's trying to protect me from throwing away my career for you."

Damn Olivia. She can't get off Casey's back she has to go a keep hurting her like that. Next time I see her I swear I'm going to smack her.

"did you say anything to her?"

"I told her that no matter what she does I'm not leaving you for anything."

"so are you still going to talk to McCoy?" I asked her.

"yeah I don't know what I'm going to say though. What tell him that Olivia has it out for us and is trying to get me to leave you for her."

She kicks off her shoes and snuggles up on the couch.

I can't believe how low Olivia went to hurt Casey. I don't even think she's trying to be with Casey, but just get back at her for turning her down and being with me. I hate Olivia. She's awful and needs to go away and leave us alone. I want Casey to be happy, not coming home every night crying because of something Olivia did. Believe me Olivia has something coming at her.

"I forgot something at the office. I'll be right back." "you want me to come?"

"no I'll be quick promise. I'll pick up dinner or something." I say to Casey kissing her.

"I love you."

I'm going to go find Olivia and give her a piece of my mind. I get to the precinct and she's in the break room.

"what?" she asks.

"we need to talk."

She turns to leave. I block her way.

"excuse you."

"no excuse you. You crossed the line Olivia. I can't believe you went and told my boss about me and Casey."

"I'm trying to protect her."

"would you just shut the hell up. The only thing you're protecting is your ego because you're upset Casey chose me and will always choose me and not you."

"she deserves better."

"shut up Olivia. She deserves better than you, and I am better than you. You can't accept that this is what she wants instead you have to throw a tantrum and tell McCoy things. At least if I saw she was happier with someone else I would accept it. Just go tell McCoy you lied because I don't want you hurting Casey anymore Olivia. She worked hard to get back here. If you cared about her and wanted to protect her as much as you say you do then you'd leave her alone."

"I didn't lie to McCoy Casey is having a relationship in work, and I'm not going to lie and say I was lying. Honestly I hope she makes the right choice."

"you're a bitch."

"I don't care." she walks past me.

I'm scared for Casey. I don't want her to lose her job. McCoy didn't seem to be buying what I said about Casey at lunch today. I want to fix this for her, but I don't know what else to do.

When I get home I'm upset and Casey sees it.

"baby what's wrong?" she asked.

I start crying.

"I tried Casey I really did. I did everything I could and nothing worked I tried to show McCoy how great you were in front of Robert Donahue. I tried to get Olivia to tell McCoy she lied, and she wouldn't. I tried to make this better for you so you could be happy and it didn't work. I'm sorry Casey I'm so sorry." I cried.

"you what? Alex why would you do that?"

"I wanted to help you."

"Alex I told you not to talk to McCoy, and why would you talk to Olivia? I- I'm a big girl Alex I told you I could take care of this and that everything was going to be okay. I never asked you to fix them I told you to leave it alone. What did I not make it clear enough. Are you going to go and risk your job too. What if McCoy catches on and you get fired too. That's why I told you to stay out of it."

She's mad. I knew she'd be mad.

"I'm sorry."

"maybe you should've thought of that before you went and tried to "fix" everything." she gets off the couch and goes into the bedroom slamming the door.

"Casey we can talk about this please-"

"no Alex I've heard enough."

She's taking her stuff out of her drawers.

"what are you doing?"

She doesn't answer. I start to get scared.

"Casey what are you doing?"

"I need some space." she says shoving everything into her bag.

"no no Casey please I'm sorry baby please."

She zips up her bag.

"I'm sorry Casey don't do this."

I'm terrified now. I want this all to be a nightmare I just want to wake up and have Casey laying on me and have this just be a nightmare.

She picks up her bag and walks past me.

"no Casey." I grab her arm.

"let go of me Alex."

"we can talk about this Casey please don't."

"Alex I need space. I told you not to do something and you did it anyway. Now let go of me."

"no."

I look in her eyes. She's been crying, and she looks hurt. She pulls her arm and leaves slamming the door.

I don't want her to go. I can't even breathe right now. Casey just left, and I feel sick. I sink to the floor and break down crying. I love Casey too much to let her go forever. Casey's everything to me, and everything just walked out mad at me. I really hope Olivia's satisfied now because my everything, my Casey left because of her selfishness.


	29. Chapter 29

**Author's Note: Short chapter, but I will update again today. **

Ch. 29

Casey's POV

I tell Alex everything when we get home. She's furious with Olivia I can tell. She leaves to go get something at the office and dinner.

I can't believe Olivia. I'll never understand how if she supposedly "loves" me how she can go around hurting me like this. She's probably just trying to hurt Alex by doing this to me. I'm just going to tell McCoy he can send my actions to the board because I don't care. I love Alex and not even a stupid job can change that. Maybe I could go get my teaching certificate or something. I hated substitute teaching only because the pay sucked, I lived with my mother, and I was depressed, but maybe I'd be a good full time teacher. I wonder what Alex will think.

Alex comes home and she looks upset I ask her what's wrong and she starts breaking down crying.

"I tried Casey I really did. I did everything I could and nothing worked I tried to show McCoy how great you were in front of Robert Donahue. I tried to get Olivia to tell McCoy she lied, and she wouldn't. I tried to make this better for you so you could be happy and it didn't work. I'm sorry Casey I'm so sorry."

I'm a little pissed she did that. I can handle this I don't need to be taken care of like a damn child.

"you what? Alex why would you do that?"

"I wanted to help you."

"Alex I told you not to talk to McCoy, and why would you talk to Olivia? I- I'm a big girl Alex I told you I could take care of this and that everything was going to be okay. I never asked you to fix them I told you to leave it alone. What did I not make it clear enough. Are you going to go and risk your job too. What if McCoy catches on and you get fired too. That's why I told you to stay out of it."

"I'm sorry."

I can't understand why she did this. I can take care of myself. Why doesn't she understand that? I said that I would handle this. I wanted to handle this on my own. Ever since I was censured I've had to put my crap on everyone else. I moved in with my mom, Alex is my supervisor. I can't take being taken care of like that anymore.

"maybe you should've thought of that before you went and tried to "fix" everything."

I get up and go to Alex's room. I can't do this right now. I'm a freaking adult.

I take everything out of my drawer and pull out my duffle from the closet.

"Casey we can talk about this please-" Alex comes in the room.

"no Alex I've heard enough."

I pack everything up in the bag not caring if it rips or wrinkles.

"what are you doing?"

I don't say anything.

"Casey what are you doing?" she asks more urgently.

"I need some space." I tell her.

"no no Casey please I'm sorry baby please. I'm sorry Casey don't do this."

I don't want to do this, but I can't look at Alex right now I love her, but I can't be here right now.

"no Casey." she grabs my arm.

"let go of me Alex."

"we can talk about this Casey please don't."

"Alex I need space. I told you not to do something and you did it anyway. Now let go of me."

"no." she's stubborn.

I rip my arm from her grip and leave.

I hate leaving her like this I just wish she would listen to me instead of trying to fix everything. It's not Alex's job to fix everything for me.

When I get to my apartment it's cold and quiet. I feel so alone right now. I didn't really care about losing my job before because I had Alex.

I drop my bag sit on the couch and look around remembering the morning Alex came in and made me breakfast before our date.

I love her, but I need to be able to take care of myself. I want to show Alex that I can take care of myself so I can take care of her too.

I feel so out of place here. It doesn't smell like home, or well Alex's. It doesn't have the smell of raspberries which I've come accustom to smelling everyday. This place feels empty without another person around, so I decide to turn on the tv and have some noise. A show that Alex and I like watching is on. I flip to through the channels, but find myself back on that same channel.

Sitting back I forget for a second that Alex isn't here to lay on. Just the lumpy throw pillows. They wont wrap me in their arms and kiss my head.

A funny part of the show comes on and I laugh.

"oh god that reminds me of-"

I'm once again reminded I'm alone.

Sleeping isn't easy either. The bed doesn't smell like her, it's cold and she's not here. Once again she isn't here to hold me and let me sleep on her chest. Her heart beat isn't here to sway me to sleep.

Eventually I give up on sleeping make myself some coffee and lay back on the couch with only trashy tv to keep me company.

I love Alex more than anything, but I need to be able to take care of myself. I don't want to have to depend on Alex to jump in the water every time I fall in. I have to be able to swim on my own.

Saturday night I still haven't moved from the couch at all. I'm still in my pajamas staring at the same stupid tv channel. I keep thinking about Alex, but every time I think of myself walking out of her apartment I get sick. I don't like what she did, but I love her. I don't know what to feel anymore.

Monday morning I open my eyes and groan. I've slept a max of 5 hours this whole weekend, and I'm late.

When I stager into the office I hope maybe seeing Alex I'll get the courage to apologize to her for getting mad at her.

Her door is closed. I go to the secretaries desk.

"where's Alex?" I asked her.

"reassignment to the Bronx DA's office." she told me.

"when?"

"this morning."

"for how long?"

"no idea. Oh McCoy wants to see you." she handed me a slip of paper.

Where is Alex? My Alex? She didn't talk to me about this. Well not like I really checked my phone either. I start hyperventilating on the elevator ride up to McCoy's. No no I never wanted this I just needed a little space. I never meant for this to happen.

I don't even wait to be let into the office I just go in.

"why did you reassign Alex Cabot?" is the first thing I ask.

"I am in a meeting." McCoy informs me.

"why did you reassign her? She didn't do anything."

"well hold on-"

"no I'm not going to hold on or calm down. I did this. This was me."

"Ms. Novak this is highly inappropriate behavior."

"why is she at the Bronx DA's office?"

He takes a breath and looks pissed.

"she asked to be reassigned."

"why?"

"Personal reasons.I was sad to see her go, but she wanted to, and I owed their DA a favor."

"so you just let her go just like that."

"Ms. Novak we will continue this after my meeting."

I go and wait outside pissed off.

Why did Alex leave? I never wanted this. If I had known she would do this I never would've left that apartment. Why did she do this?

"Ms. Novak." McCoy calls me in.

I go in his office. He tries to start lecturing me on my behavior, but I cut him off.

"I just want to know what she said."

"she said that being here was a conflict for her personally, and that she felt she could better handle the situation elsewhere."

"how long is she gone?"

"indefinitely. Though I hope not too long. Before she left she asked that I take you off probation. That's why I called you up here. You're officially off probation. You may take Alex's office. We'll get your name on the door by end of the week."

"no."

"excuse me."

"I don't want her office."

"well then I guess we could find another office."

"no. I don't want it any of it."

"I have meetings Ms. Novak please." he points towards the door.

I don't want this. I want Alex back here.

I'm in tears when I get to her office. I open the door and I'm torn to shreds. Everything is gone. Only the furniture has stayed. Her stuff isn't here. She isn't here. I don't want to be here if she's not. I want Alex back. I want my Alex back. I am such an idiot. I never should've said those things and left the apartment. I don't want her to be gone. I want her here.


	30. Chapter 30

**Author's Note: As promise my second update for the day. I promise things get better in this chapter. Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. Enjoy. WARNING: Extreme cuteness ahead. **

Ch. 30

Alex's POV

I miss Casey so much I don't stop crying. I love her so much and I was only trying to help. That's what you do for people you love you help them when they're down. My whole body hurts from crying. My muscles ache and my chest hurts with ever breath. I feel like I've been hit by a trailer truck. I don't try to call Casey because I don't want to bother her or make her more mad. I hate seeing Casey mad. Not because she's mad at me, but because she isn't happy. I'm mad at myself for making her mad. If giving her space is what makes her happy then I guess that's all I can do.

All weekend I want to go to Casey's and talk to her, but I just keep seeing her getting more mad and I chicken out. I wish she would just understand why I did it. Maybe then she wouldn't hate me.

Monday morning I go to the office and meet with McCoy.

"what can I do for you Alex?"

"I need to be reassigned." I tell him.

"why?"

"personal reasons." I look down at the floor.

"okay. Well is it SVU?"

"no. Not that. I just want to be reassigned to another office. I don't care where."

"well the Bronx could use someone I guess. Let me just make some calls."

"sir before you do can I request that Casey Novak be let off probation and take my place. She deserves it. She works harder than anyone else even me."

"alright."

I leave back to my office. I pack my belongings in a box and leave before Casey gets back. Maybe this way she gets the job she deserves and the space she wants. I only want her to be happy.

I don't really like the Bronx office. I've been put in homicide and everyone is an ass. Not much different from the Manhattan office, but I never really noticed because Casey was always across the hall to distract me from the asses, so I was happy. Instead I'm across from another girl named Maria who thinks my name is Alexa and treats me like an idiot. I keep reminding her my name is not Alexa, and that I know what to do, but it just doesn't seem to be getting through to her.

"I will not put up with attitude Ms. Cavit."

What attitude. She said my name wrong.

"it's Cabot."

"go." she shoos me away.

She's really getting on my nerves and I've been here three hours. I hope Casey's having a better day than I am.

I eat lunch alone. Well I don't really eat I feel sick to my stomach. I miss Casey more than anything. I check my messages, but nothing. Maybe she's happy I'm gone.

When the day ends and I get back to my empty apartment I start crying again. I miss her so much. I lay on the bed and hug her pillow. It smells just like her. Why did I let her go? Why didn't I chase after her? I want my Casey back here with me.

There's a knock on the door. What do people want? I just want to be left alone. I tip toe over and look to see who it is. It's her. It's Casey. She's here. I fix my hair a little bit wipe my eyes and open the door. She looks just as upset as I do.

"hi." I say softly.

I don't want my voice to shake because then I'll start crying again because I'm happy to see her. I hope she isn't mad. It's hard to look at her because seeing her makes me happy and if she's here to get mad at me more I don't want it to hurt as bad.

"can we talk?" she asks.

I nod and move so she can come in.

"Alex I am so sorry I left. I never meant to hurt you like that. I wasn't thinking."

She puts her hand on my cheek and there's that spark I feel every time she touches me. I look up into her green eyes.

"I- I overreacted I am so so sorry." she stutters over her breaths.

Her eyes have tears in them.

"it's okay. I did what you told me not to you can be mad at me."

"no I'm not mad. I was at first, but it was stupid."

I move away from her touch and go to sit on the couch.

"Alex why did you ask for reassignment?" she asks sadly.

She sits on the couch next to me.

"because every time I looked at things I was the one thing in the way of you succeeding." I explain.

"don't say that."

She needs to hear this.

"no. Casey you worked your ass off. Even when you were down you worked hard. I didn't want to stand in the way of that and I tried to fix it for you Casey because I was in that relationship too. I didn't want you taking the punch for something I did too. Not when you worked so hard. I told McCoy to transfer me and give you the job you deserve Casey. You do that job a million times better than I ever have and you deserve it. You don't deserve to lose your license and watch me just skate by it. I couldn't do that to you Casey." I start crying.

"I was okay with it Alex."

"you don't get it Casey. I wasn't going to let you lose everything. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than a girlfriend who sits by and lets you fall. I know you wanted to handle it, but I was trying to help you. That's what a relationship is two people as one working together. I did it because I love you Casey. I'm just sorry I hurt you that much."

"you didn't hurt me Alex. Ever since I lost my license I had to rely on other people I had no choice. I had to move in with my mother, and borrow money because my job sucked. I wanted to prove to myself that I could hold my own. I'm sorry I got mad and hurt you. You didn't hurt me I was just being stubborn and trying to do it all on my own. I'm sorry."

"you can hold your own, but I was your girlfriend Casey. I'm suppose to catch you when you fall. I want to catch you when you fall. You worked hard. I saw it every single day, and I would feel awful taking credit for that, or letting something happen to you."

"I know. I'm so sorry, but you're wrong." she says.

I start tearing up more. What isn't she understanding here? I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and help her.

"you **are** my girlfriend." she says.

I look back up.

"only if you want me to be though, because I am very sorry for the way I treated you. You deserve better and I-"

My heart leaps up and I kiss her.

"I never meant to get mad at you, or make you leave your job. I am so sorry can you forgive me?" she asks.

"yeah." I tear up and kiss her again.

"I love you so much Alex, and I've never had anyone as caring as you before, and the people I've had to rely on resent me for it, so I'm just so use to taking care of things myself." she explains.

"Casey I will never resent you for having to be there for you. That's why I'm with you and love you because I want to be there for you and take care of you, and love you the way no one else can. No matter what I will always be there for you." I tell her.

"okay?" I ask.

She nods and kisses me.

"can you come back to work now?"

"but McCoy." I point out.

"please."

"Casey I did this for you. I wanted you to be able to stay there, and have your job without me in the way of that."

She pouts.

"it needs to be this way Casey. I don't like it either, but it's how it is. McCoy isn't going to let up on the rule, and maybe Olivia will leave you alone now."

"and if she doesn't? What if she's worse without you around?"

"then you'll have a convict for a girlfriend. That's a promise."

"how was your first day then?" she asks.

"okay." I lie.

I'll do anything for Casey even work at that stupid office with that stupid Maria girl.

"I missed you very very much though."

"see you wont have to miss me if you come back." she says.

"I know I don't like it, but unless we tell McCoy and both risk losing our jobs this is how it is."

She sighs and lays her head on my lap and crosses her arms.

"what?" I ask.

"what if I say I wont let you kiss me until you come back."

She's going to make this insanely hard to do. I don't like being there either, but what else can I do.

"why are you doing this?"

"because I don't like it."

"and what exactly were you planning to do if you lost your job?"

"I don't know the women over there. What if they're looking at you or something? Or try to ask you out? At least over here I know what I'm dealing with."

"I don't think that will happen and on the off chance it does I will tell them "I'm sorry, but I don't think my beautiful girlfriend would like that.""

She still has her arms crossed.

"I still don't like it. McCoy is an idiot. I hate him."

"me too baby."

I don't like not working with Casey. I hate it, but I know that this is what's best for both of us right now.

"could we just send McCoy and Olivia to some island and leave them there? Then we could be happy and work together." she asked.

I laugh.

"oh and the island has to be surrounded by sharks. Sharks that have an appetite for idiots. So sharks can mawl them and we can sit there and laugh at them getting mawled and then we can have an idiot free world. And anyone who objects to us will go to that island." she adds.

I'm cracking up now.

"I'm serious."

"alright we'll get an island tomorrow." I promise her.

I go to kiss her, but she blocks me.

"nope. No kiss until we get the island."

"no island until I get my kiss."

She kisses me hard on the lips.

She sits up and moves to straddle my lap. Before I know it I'm trying to get her shirt off. I've missed Casey so much. I never ever want to fight with her again. I get her shirt off only breaking the kiss for a second. So much for not kissing me until I go back to the DA's office.

The whole world fades around us. It's that moment where it's just us. Just me and Casey and no one else.

I lay her down and she lifts her hips so I can get her out of her pants. Quickly I peel them off her body and go back to kissing her. She moans into the kiss. I move my lips down to her pulse point and kiss her, then nipping it just enough to leave a mark. She arches into my touch. She takes my hand and moves it up to her breast. My kisses move down to her breasts. Taking on one them in my mouth and using my hand on the other. Then moving my mouth to the other. Slowly I trail my hand down between her legs. She moans when I slowly trace her folds. I move to kiss her lips when I enter her she moans into the kiss. I start pumping slowly in her. She clenches onto my fingers like a vice. Her moans and pleas muffled in the kiss. I move my lips to her neck once more and place my thumb on her bundle of nerves.

"mmm Alex." she moans loudly.

When she's right on the edge, and I feel her muscles starting to clamp on my finger I curl them, and bite her neck.

"Alex!" she screams out.

I kiss her cheek as she rides out her climax.

"I love you." I whisper into her ear and kiss behind it.

I love Casey more than anything. I would do anything, be anything for her. She's my entire world and everything to me. Nothing will ever change that not a job. Certainly not Olivia Benson. This is all I ever want. Casey.

I lift my head and look in her eyes.

"so about that island." she says with a laugh.

I laugh and kiss her cheek.


	31. Chapter 31

Ch. 31.

Casey's POV

I finally get up the courage to actually go to Alex's and talk to her. I hope she doesn't reject this overdue apology.

I still have my key, but I know this is not the time to just barge in on her. When the lock click my heart jumps.

"hi." she says softly.

She lets me in so we can talk.

"Alex I am so sorry I left. I never meant to hurt you like that. I wasn't thinking."

She doesn't look at me, instead she looks at the floor. I put my hand on her cheek and look her in the eyes, and apologize again. I really hope she accepts this apology.

"it's okay. I did what you told me not to you can be mad at me."

"no I'm not mad. I was at first, but it was stupid."

She sits on the couch.

I ask her about the reassignment, and sit next to her.

"because every time I looked at things I was the one thing in the way of you succeeding."

Alex is never in the way. The job was in the way.

"don't say that."

"no. Casey you worked your ass off. Even when you were down you worked hard. I didn't want to stand in the way of that and I tried to fix it for you Casey because I was in that relationship too. I didn't want you taking the punch for something I did too. Not when you worked so hard. I told McCoy to transfer me and give you the job you deserve Casey. You do that job a million times better than I ever have and you deserve it. You don't deserve to lose your license and watch me just skate by it. I couldn't do that to you Casey." I start crying.

"I was okay with it Alex."

I can get a new job, there's plenty of jobs. There's only one Alex my Alex. I would give up anything to be with her. Even a job I worked hard for.

"you don't get it Casey. I wasn't going to let you lose everything. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than a girlfriend who sits by and lets you fall. I know you wanted to handle it, but I was trying to help you. That's what a relationship is two people as one working together. I did it because I love you Casey. I'm just sorry I hurt you that much."

"you didn't hurt me Alex. Ever since I lost my license I had to rely on other people I had no choice. I had to move in with my mother, and borrow money because my job sucked. I wanted to prove to myself that I could hold my own. I'm sorry I got mad and hurt you. You didn't hurt me I was just being stubborn and trying to do it all on my own. I'm sorry."

"you can hold your own, but I was your girlfriend Casey. I'm suppose to catch you when you fall. I want to catch you when you fall. You worked hard. I saw it every single day, and I would feel awful taking credit for that, or letting something happen to you."

"I know. I'm so sorry, but you're wrong." I tell her.

She starts crying.

"you **are** my girlfriend. Only if you want me to be though, because I am very sorry for the way I treated you. You deserve better and I-"

She cuts me off kissing me on the lips.

I've missed her so much.

She forgives me thankfully.

"I love you so much Alex, and I've never had anyone as caring as you before, and the people I've had to rely on resent me for it, so I'm just so use to taking care of things myself."

"Casey I will never resent you for having to be there for you. That's why I'm with you and love you because I want to be there for you and take care of you, and love you the way no one else can. No matter what I will always be there for you."

I love Alex so much. She takes care of me and loves me. I don't know how I deserve any of this.

"can you come back to work now?" I ask her.

I really want Alex back at work too. I don't know if I can handle SVU by myself. I could barely do it the first time around.

"Casey I did this for you. I wanted you to be able to stay there, and have your job without me in the way of that."

She isn't in the way of anything

When I ask her about her day I can tell it wasn't good. I really hated that she was over there, but by the way she looks when she says it was okay I hate it even more. I don't want her to be somewhere where she's unhappy.

"I missed you very very much though." she adds.

"see you wont have to miss me if you come back." she says.

"I know I don't like it, but unless we tell McCoy and both risk losing our jobs this is how it is."

I hate McCoy. His stupid rule is making Alex sit in an office she hate.

I lay my head in her lap and cross my arms frustrated. McCoy is so dumb. I want Alex to come back to the office.

"what if I say I wont let you kiss me until you come back."

"why are you doing this?"

"because I don't like it."

That is an understatement of the year. I despise this. This is like a nightmare.

"could we just send McCoy and Olivia to some island and leave them there? Then we could be happy and work together. Oh and the island has to be surrounded by sharks. Sharks that have an appetite for idiots. So sharks can mawl them and we can sit there and laugh at them getting mawled and then we can have an idiot free world. And anyone who objects to us will go to that island."

She's laughing at me.

"I'm serious."

"alright we'll get an island tomorrow." she says.

When she tries to kiss me I block her.

"nope. No kiss until we get the island."

"no island until I get my kiss."

I kiss her on the lips and the next thing I know Alex is loving me up.

I don't know what I'd ever do without Alex. Hopefully Olivia will leave us alone. All I want is to be with Alex forever without anyone getting in the way of that. Olivia needs to just accept that I'll never be with her. I could never love anyone the way I love Alex. Especially her.

I want to spend forever with Alex. No matter what our stupid boss, or Alex's overly jealous ex says.

Only Alex makes me feel like we're the only two people in the world. I want that forever with her. This moment I want moments like this where it's just us together. I want to be able to tell her everyday for the rest of my life how much I love her and how much she means to me.

I sleep easy with Alex that night, but the next morning I'm just laying on my pillow. She's already left. Figures she has a long drive now, and has to go in earlier than before. I like waking up with Alex and having some time with her before work. Now I don't get that. Stupid Olivia and stupid McCoy. I wonder how much islands and idiot hungry sharks are going for these days.

I refuse to use Alex's office. It's her office. When I get there I see men scrapping the name off the door.

"hey stop."

"we were told to take it off." the guy says.

"no leave it. She's coming back."

They walk away. The A on the door is starting to fall off. I try and get it to stick but it wont.

"I didn't think the rumors were true but I guess they are."

"Olivia."

Don't smack her.

"well she wouldn't be gone if it weren't for you and your little tricks." I comment.

"it's not my fault you two couldn't follow the rules."

"you don't care about rules. Now did you actually want something or did you come here so you could rub your revenge in my face."

"both actually. I need a warrant."

"wow you put Alex and I through a little hell and you still have the gall to ask me for a warrant. Look for someone else."

She explains why she needs the warrant and what grounds. I still decline.

"we need a warrant though."

"see now I'm not hearing anything along the lines of "I'm sorry" or "I have evidence that…" so no I will not get you your search warrant."

"Casey-"

"sorry Olivia I'm not risking my job for you."

"but you'll risk it for Alex."

"detective Benson. My personal life is none of your business. Now I have work that needs to be done. Why don't you go do something fun and wacky like oh I don't know your job."

"you don't have to be like this."

Is she serious. She nearly broke me and Alex up and she's saying I don't have to be like this.

"leave." I point to the door.

She smirks and leaves. I hate her. I hate having to deal with her alone. I wish Alex was here.

I shut the door and decide to call her, but I get her voicemail.

If I thought working with Alex here was distracting her not being here is way more distracting. I keep wondering what she's doing. How she is. Is this how it is for normal couples who don't work together? I can't get it out of my head. If people there are nice. If she misses me as much as I miss her. She's probably going mad right now.

Lunch is sad and boring. I'm all alone. No Alex time. I do get a call from her though. I'm so happy to hear her voice, but it sounds tired.

"hey baby." I answer.

"hey."

"what's wrong? Is everything okay?" I ask.

"I'm tired." she muffles a yawn.

She woke up at 5:30 no wonder.

I talk to her for a majority of the lunch.

"I miss you." she says.

"I miss you too. Which is why you should come back."

She sighs.

"I know baby. I would love to if I could, but it's not so bad here." she says.

"I wish I was there to kiss you."

"me too baby, but tonight when I get home you can kiss me all you want." she says.

"and more?"

"and much more."

"when are you coming home."

"7 or 8 maybe it depends maybe I can get out around 6:30 if I'm lucky we're swamped today."

I don't like this we always got out before 6:30. Now I might now see her until after 8.

When I hang up I'm still sad. She doesn't seem happy over there.

It's almost 8:45 and she still isn't home. I tried to call, but I got her voicemail. Now I'm getting worried. It's 9 by the time I hear the door click open. She comes in and I hear the thump of her bag.

"hey baby." I say softly.

She's tired I know it.

"hey."

I give her a big kiss. Then help her out of her coat.

"how was your day?" she asks softly.

"okay." I lie.

She slips out of her shoes.

"are you hungry? I made some pasta if you want it."

"no I'm just tired." she goes for the bedroom.

She looks exhausted and it's only her second day.

She takes off her clothes and just leaves them on the floor and gets into her pajamas. She never does that with her clothes. I'm worried.

"do you mind if I turn in early?" she asks.

"no it's okay."

"I'm sorry. I just got really busy and I tried to go, but- I'm sorry baby."

I go to get myself ready for bed.

"how was your day?" she asks.

I start talking about my day as I slip into my pajamas.

"...she's so annoying and I-"

I can hear her snoring. I turn around and she's already fast asleep.

I crawl in bed next to her and hug her letting her sleep on my chest for a change.

There must be some way to get her back to the Manhattan office, because I don't like this. Waking up at the crack of dawn and not coming home until late too tired to even eat.

I kiss the top of her head.

"I love you."


	32. Chapter 32

Ch. 32

Alex's POV

"you're late." Maria scoffs when she sees me.

"it's 7:30."

"I wanted you here at 7."

"sorry traffic. I drive from Manhattan."

"be early next time. We have cases and they don't care that you have to drive from Manhattan."

I woke up at 5:30 this morning and left just after 6:30. She really expects me to be up before that. I've never been up at that time for work. Is she crazy?

She then started listing all the things she needed me to do. A majority of it is stupid busy work we usually give to the new ADAs.

"why am I doing this?" I asked her.

She gives me a glare.

"because I asked you to. Now go."

I turn to leave.

"oh wait here." she holds up her coffee cup.

Oh no I am not her bitch. I walk away from her.

"Alexa." she yells.

That's not my name so I will not answer.

I'm already falling asleep in my coffee and it's not even noon yet. The coffee here is ineffective in waking me up. I wish Casey could bring me coffee. I miss that. I miss seeing her. Looking at her and blushing every time she caught me. Now instead I see that stupid girl Maria smacking on her gum and talking on her phone at the top of her lungs.

Someone please remind me what crime was committed in the nail salon lady using puffy pink on her nails instead of pretty in pink, because apparently there's a difference. Or the fact that her ex cheated on her, but brought her on a date, probably McDonalds, and she thinks it doesn't matter anymore and she should give him a second chance because the other girl was ugly and he was drunk.

No one cares about your problems Maria. I don't need to hear about your personal life while I sit here doing your bitch work. I don't care about your nails, or your stupid ex. I do not care. No one cares. The person on the phone probably doesn't even care. Do your job.

I've run out of patients with this day. When I'm finally relieved for lunch I leave to go eat somewhere. I miss Casey. She probably would've told Maria to shut up by now. I see that I have a missed call from Casey. I jump and call her. I need to hear her voice.

I savor every moment talking to her. She sounds sad when I tell her I wont be home until late. I do fully intend though on trying to escape at 6:30.

When I do try to leave Maria catches me.

"oh Cavit come here." she waves me in.

But Casey, food, kisses. Ugh I hate this. I want to go home and love my girlfriend. Not deal with this stupid girl.

She gives me things she wants done by 8 o'clock tonight.

"but I-"

"what? Something more than important than your job?" she asks.

Yeah my beautiful girlfriend who I haven't seen since this morning and she was sleeping. I want to go home and see her.

"I umm-"

"good now go." she shoos me away.

I'm exhausted. I don't want to do this stupid first year ADA work for her. What has she done all day? Nothing! No not even that. Fucking Nothing!

By the time I leave I can barely keep my eyes open driving. I just keep reminding myself of the beautiful red head I have to get home to.

I feel horrible because when I do get home I'm so tired I just want to get in bed. Casey's so sweet she understands. I ask her how her day was, but I don't even remember. Before I know it my alarm rings. I'm laying on Casey and I don't even feel like I got five minutes of sleep. That alarm clock better be broken.

5 a.m. Oh god. Does this time even exist? I hit the button and groan. I just want to spend an extra hour or two laying here with Casey. She looks so cute sleeping. I kiss her and slowly get up trying not to wake her.

Don't fall asleep. Stay awake.

I keep saying that to myself in the shower.

Wake up Alex come on.

Coffee?

No I'll pick some up. Too tired to make it.

Breakfast.

Too tired.

I get myself dressed and ready. Casey's still sound asleep. I want to just crawl in bed and cuddle her. She groans and reaches her arm out to my pillow then turns and grabs it hugging it close like she does to me when she sleeps. I really don't want to go.

"I love you." I kiss her.

She mumbles something hand grips my pillow tighter.

The next two weeks are pretty much the same. By Thursday of my second week I feel dead. When I finally get home Casey is there to greet me like she always does. She's already in her pajamas even though it's barely 9. She likes to go to sleep with me since that's all I can do by the time I get home.

"hey." she smiles when I come in.

She helps take off my jacket and it hurts my neck. I keep getting a stiff neck from work and lack of sleep.

"ouch."

"what's wrong baby?"

"my neck is killing me."

"go lay down. I'll get you something." she says.

I go into the room and my pajamas are waiting for me. She's so good to me. I get them on and she comes in with dinner, water and tylenol.

"eat baby." she tells me.

She climbs behind me and starts rubbing my shoulders and back of my necks. If I weren't dead I might just let her rub my shoulders then pin her down and make love to her she's so sweet. I can barely eat I'm so tired.

"how was your day?" she asks as I knock back the tylenol.

"fine."

That's my usual response. I'm trying really hard to keep a good front and not worry Casey. I'm pretty sure that ship has sailed and sank by now.

"you work too hard. You need to get home earlier. You're killing yourself over there baby." she says.

"I know I'm sorry."

She kisses my shoulders.

"how about I take you out tomorrow night?" she asks.

I've spent maybe an hour with Casey all week that didn't include sleeping.

"or Saturday?" she asks.

"okay." I smile.

"we can spend some time together. I miss my Alex time." she hugs me.

"I miss my Casey time."

"better?" she asks of my neck.

"much. Your hands are magic in more ways than one." I smile.

She kisses my cheek.

"you need rest."

She takes my empty plate to the kitchen. I crawl under the covers. I'm practically asleep by the time she comes back.

I hate doing this to her. I'm the worst girlfriend ever. Even last weekend was a bust because Maria had me take work home and I had to have it all done, but Casey was there to drop everything and help. I'm sure she's mastered the art of my signature by now.

I don't care tomorrow I'm going to get out of work early take none of it home and spend the weekend with Casey. It's the least I can do. She's so supportive and understanding. If it was me I'd be whiney and complain. I'm sure she wants to, but she wont. She's too sweet to do that.

The alarm blares and I'm relieved it's Friday. The only thing standing between me and my weekend with Casey is work.

I get to work and I make sure to get everything done so nothing breaks up my weekend.

"Alexa." Maria's voice squawks through the halls.

Did someone change my name without telling me?

She comes barging into my office.

"where are the files on my case."

"I don't know. It's your case after all." I mutter.

"I can't find them. I thought maybe I gave them to you."

Yeah you pretty much give me all of your crap. Where in my job description does it say I have to do her job too?

"oh and I need you tomorrow afternoon." she adds.

No!

No no absolutly not. I have plans with Casey.

"I can't." I tell her.

"why not?"

"I have plans."

"well cancel."

"no."

"excuse me." she gives me an angry look.

"I have other commitments." I tell her.

She sits in the chair in front of my desk.

"oh really a guy?"

How did she go from wanting to rip my head off to wanting to gossip about my dating life.

"no." I answer.

"oh."

Go away.

"so tomorrow then?"

"no."

Can I not be more clear to her. Finally she gets up and leaves.

Good go find someone else's life to ruin.

It's 6:30 and I'm ready to run. Leaving this place early is near impossible, but I must try. I get to the elevator and let out a sigh of relief.

"Alexa."

Damn it.

"where are you going?" Maria asks.

"home."

"oh no we have to finish the prep. Since you can't come in tomorrow."

But Casey.

"I can't I-"

"good let's go." she walks back to her office.

I call Casey to tell her I'll be late.

"what Alex."

"I know I promised I'm sorry. We just have to prep and I promise it'll be quick."

"no it's fine take as long as you need."

"I love you."

"I love you too" she says.

She's pissed. She didn't say it, but I know she is.

By 9 we're still going over the same things.

"look Maria I'm sorry, but I have to get home. I'm already late." I tell her.

"we aren't done."

"I-"

"we still have a ton of work to do."

I don't get home until late. It must be late because Casey's asleep on the couch with the tv on and a pizza half eaten.

"Casey." I whisper.

"hmm?" she sits up.

"what time is it?" she asks then looks at her watch.

"Alex it's after 11."

"I know I'm sorry, but now you have me for the rest of the weekend. Promise."

She smiles and kisses me.

"I bought pizza, but I ate some of it. I tried to wait."

"it's okay go to bed. I'll be there in a minute."

"Alex… Alex…" Casey's voice wakes me the next morning.

I open my eyes and she's standing there with a tray of breakfast.

"surprise." she smiles brightly.

"is it my birthday?"

"no even better your day off."

She's too good to me. I feel guilty. I keep blowing her off for work and she's still being so sweet.

"I'm sorry." I apologize.

She cuddles into me.

"it's okay I get it."

"no Casey. I keep putting work over you. I'm never here. I'm so sorry. I'll change it."

"I worry about you. I don't want you over working yourself, but that's why I'm going to spend all weekend taking very good care of you. Just you and me and no-"

My phone starts ringing.

"interruptions." she sighs.

"sorry."

"Alex Cabot."

It's Maria telling me I need to get to the office it's an emergency.

"I can't though-"

"well figure something out." she says into the phone.

"everything okay?" Casey asks when I hang up the phone.

"yep." I lie.

I have no intention on blowing Casey off again. Especially on a Saturday when we have plans. I want to spend the day with Casey not with Maria and doing her work for her. I'll probably have Maria yelling at me on Monday, but I don't care. I want to spend time with my amazing girlfriend.


	33. Chapter 33

Ch.33

Casey's POV

I haven't seen much of Alex this week. She's so tired by the time she comes home, so I let her sleep. She works so hard, and I feel awful. I sit in my office groaning about doing work for two, but from the little I've heard over the past two weeks it seems like she's doing enough work for four people. I felt so awful last week I helped her do some of it. Even then we still spent two days doing just that, but I'll do anything for Alex. She wants this to work out so we can both maintain our jobs and relationship. Sometimes I wish I could take her place over there because I feel like I could be doing more to help her, and that she doesn't deserve this. After all it was me who sort of got her in this mess with McCoy.

Every night she comes home and I go to bed with her. I never spend time with her, and it's all I get. I hold her close and let her sleep on me.

I still haven't used her office yet. Her name is still on it because it still gives me hope she might one day want to come back. The A is still peeling off and bothers me.

Not having her here is like missing a piece of myself. I see her everyday, but at the same time I don't because she just sleeps. It's not fun in the least, but I'm trying really hard to be supportive of her.

Work seems more unbearable every day she isn't here. Between the job it self, and all the other extra crap with Olivia and McCoy I'm starting to hate this place more and more. She isn't here to distract me from the negative anymore and I miss that. Sometimes I catch myself talking to myself thinking she's here.

When I get home all I do is wait for her. Waiting for her to come home. Waiting for her to say something, anything about her day. Just waiting. Waiting for Alex. My Alex. To come home smile at me, and curl up on the couch cuddling me under a blanket, or saying lets go for a walk and hold hands.

That's what I intend to have this weekend. It's Friday and tonight Alex promised to be home early. I know she's not going to want to go out for dinner so I fully intend on ordering in so we can cuddle up on the couch. This weekend is far over due.

When I'm home waiting for my Alex's arrival my phone rings. She must be stuck in traffic or something, but to my dismay she's still stuck at work. After we hang up I just sit in disbelief. I miss her. I get little to no time with her and this. It's not her fault I know it, but don't the people at work think she has oh I don't know a life. I'm not usually one to get upset over these kind of things, but I am. I know this is a demanding job, but they're over doing it over there. I want my Alex and I want her now.

It's almost 9. She usually gets home at this time. I decide to order a pizza. Alex's favorite veggie and barbecue chicken with extra cheese. It comes and she still isn't home. I set it on the coffee table, but I don't open it. I want to wait for her. Any minute she'll come through that door.

I keep waiting, but stomach is not having it. Making the loudest noise possible, I finally cave and promise myself only one piece. I've been waiting for what seems like hours. I've had three pieces of pizza and gotten in my pajamas because I'm getting tired. I don't get in bed because I want to be here to see her when she comes home. I lay my head down on the lonely couch and shut my eyes when a commercial comes on.

She does come home eventually.

"Casey." I hear her beautiful voice whisper.

"what time is it?" I look at my watch.

"Alex it's after 11."

"I know I'm sorry, but now you have me for the rest of the weekend. Promise."

I give her a kiss, she tells me to go get some sleep. I climb in bed and try to stay awake until she comes into the room, but I don't.

The next morning I wake up on her chest. It's the first time in weeks I've woken up to her here. She's asleep and looks so peaceful.

I make her breakfast and put it on a tray and bring it to our room. She looks so beautiful I don't want to wake her, but I also don't want to waste a single second of our weekend together.

"Alex… Alex…" I whisper.

Her eyes blink open. She looks a little confused.

"surprise." I smile.

She returns the smile. I missed that smile.

"is it my birthday?" she asks cutely.

"no even better your day off." I give her the tray of food.

I climb back into bed and cuddle up next to her.

"I'm sorry." she says.

I know it's about the whole work thing.

"it's okay I get it." I say to her.

It's not her fault.

"no Casey. I keep putting work over you. I'm never here. I'm so sorry. I'll change it." she says.

"I worry about you. I don't want you over working yourself, but that's why I'm going to spend all weekend taking very good care of you. Just you and me and no-"

Her phone starts ringing.

"interruptions."

Alex stays calm talking to the other person. I know it's the office. What could they want with her on a Saturday?

When I ask her if everything's okay she says it's fine. I know it's not. I can see it in her eyes that it's not. This job is bad for her. That place is awful, and I want my Alex to be happy, not this exhausted person in an Alex Cabot suite. I don't think it's too much to ask for my Alex to be happy. She deserves to be happy.

She finishes the breakfast.

"that was delicious thank you." she gives me a kiss.

I take her stuff out to the kitchen.

"I'm gonna take a shower." she says when I come back in.

She takes my hand and leads me to the bathroom.

"I thought you were going to take a shower?"

She turns the shower on.

"I have two days with you I'm not wasting a second." she says stripping.

I laugh a little and take off my pajamas and step under the steaming water. She hugs me close to her sharing the stream of water.

"I love you." she says before kissing me.

Since she started working the Bronx office our sex life was pretty much non existent, so soon the kiss turned into her pushing me against the wall, kissing my neck and sliding her fingers into me. Two weeks without making love to Alex was far too long, and so unlike us. When she was in Manhattan we could barely keep from tearing each others clothes off in her office, so this coming home and going straight to bed thing well built up. Leading us to not leaving the house until dinner. We spent the whole day in bed together making up for the two weeks.

That evening we finally put some clothes on and leave to go get some dinner. I'm loving this weekend.

We spend the entire dinner talking, feeding each other and picking off one anothers plates like we always do when we go out.

"are the people over there nice?"

"they're different." she stutters.

She looks down when she says it.

"good different or bad different?"

"just different. For one there's no beautiful red head to gawk over and kiss in my office during lunch."

"well I hope not." I joke.

"I want to be the only red head you gawk at and kiss in your office." I lean over the table and kiss her.

"I love you." she smiles.

The next day we manage to keep our hands off each other long enough to go out of the house. We walk around the city for a while. It's getting a little warmer out now that it's spring so we aren't needing to cling to each other for warmth, but I still stay close to my Alex.

We get back home and cuddle up on the couch.

"I miss this." I kiss her.

"me too." she smiles.

I hug her and lay my head back down on her.

"I think we should call in sick tomorrow." I say.

I really don't want this weekend and time with Alex to end. I love being with her and spending time with her. Who knows what mountain of work they'll give her next weekend.

"I wish." she says.

"have you thought about coming back?" I asked.

"I can't you know that. Look it's only the first few weeks. I'm trying to figure everything out over there. I promise it wont be like this forever."

I don't like it at all. She keeps saying she promises. Promises that she'll be home at 7, never happens. Promises that tomorrow will be different, it's always the same. I wish she would stop promising those things because when it doesn't happen it hurts twice as much.

She needs to come back. Not just for me, but for her. She was happier here. She wasn't working ridiculous hours and getting minimal sleep. I got to see her do something other than sleep.

The next morning I wake up and she's gone. I love to wake up to her. I feel so lonely without her here. I put my head on her pillow and a tear falls. I miss her I miss Alex.

I barely make it to the office on time. When I finally get off the elevator Olivia is waiting outside my office.

"good morning."

No. My weekend with Alex ended and now I don't know when I'll be able to spend time with her again, and I have to see Olivia. No this is not a good morning.

"what do you want?"

It's because of Olivia that Alex has to be in the Bronx, and I never get to see her.

"everything okay?"

I sit down at my desk. I'm pretty much ready to throw a rock at Olivia and scream at her because this is all her fault.

"what do you want?"

"I wanted to talk."

"leave me alone."

"Casey I'm concerned."

"like hell you're concerned. Leave me alone."

She sits down in one of the chairs.

"look maybe we could get together and talk-"

"we're done talking Olivia. Done. I don't want to talk to you. I don't want anything to do with you. I especially don't need your fake concern. So unless you need something for a case go away."

I don't want to get together with Olivia and talk.

"you don't have to be so negative." she gets up.

"my girlfriend is in a different office miserable because of what you did. I never get to see her. So you know what I think I have the right to be a little negative."  
"I hope you're satisfied with yourself." I add.

She smirks. I just want to smack that evil smirk off her face. This is exactly what she wanted. For Alex to be unhappy.

"it doesn't matter what happens Olivia. Even this. I'm still never going to stop loving Alex, and I'm never going to want to be with you."

"you can't keep up this happy act forever Casey. Alex is choosing her job over you. What kind of love is that?"

"you're wrong. Alex isn't choosing her job over me. She loves me, and is only doing this because she wants to be with me. If she chose her job over me she would've broke up with me and stayed here. Instead she forces herself to wake up at 5 every morning, drive over there, work for 10 hours and come home at 9, 10, 11 o'clock. So no Olivia she doesn't choose her job her over me. Her job sucks because she chose me. She will always choose me. Now leave me alone."

She still has that stupid smirk on when she leaves. I shut the door and lock it.

I hate Olivia. She did this. She made Alex leave. I just want Alex to come back and for Olivia to just leave us alone. I want us to be happy.


	34. Chapter 34

Ch. 34

Alex's POV

My weekend with Casey was perfect. I spent all of it with her, and I don't regret a single second of it. I'd much rather be with her than at the office being Maria's little worker bee. Is she going to yell at me? Probably, but I got two days with the cutest most beautiful woman in the world and that's enough to get through a lecture from Maria. Casey's happy. I'm happy. Everything is as it should be. So some paper work was left to the last minute. Who cares. I had a weekend with my Casey and she's happy.

Maria keeps ranting on and on how I need to do as she says and come in to prep because the trail this and that. I space out for the most part. I just keep thinking about how happy Casey was all weekend to be with me. I think about everything we did. Walking around the city shopping, eating, cuddling, making love, and how worth it it was. She makes me so happy. Even thinking about her. That's probably the only reason this job is bearable, because I'm doing it to be with her.

"...we need you and now a murderer might walk free because of you." Maria's berating interrupt my thinking about Casey.

She's pacing in front of me completely beside her self. Someone had a little too much coffee and red bull.

"are you done?" I ask her.

"no."

"well then can you please turn it down about ten notches please. Look, I don't even know why I'm here getting yelled at by you. For your information I haven't worked a Saturday in a very very long time. So are we done? Can I get back to work, or are you gonna waste more of my time?" I ask her.

Her mouth is dropped open speechless.

"alright." I get up out of the chair and leave the office.

I don't know what Casey put in those pancakes, but I like it.

Maria is stupid and needs to get off her high horse. I do more work in an hour than she probably did on Saturday. It must've been some sort of shock to actually have to do all the work all by herself.

Around lunch time I'm about to head out for my hour of peace and a phone call with Casey hopefully. When I walk by Maria she rams into me carrying an arm full of papers a folders. Okay so now I'm Alexa Cavit, a worker bee, and invisible. Her papers go flying everywhere like she was just hit by a car or something. It was a bit over dramatic if you ask me.

"sorry." I apologize going to help her clean up the paper.s

"oh no I was just about to bring those to you. Just re organize them and have them filled out by end of business. Kay?" she turns away.

What the- what? Bitch.

Is she serious? It's going to take forever to re sort these by myself. At least if she stayed I would've offered to help.

"I- I can't do this in one day." I tell her.

"oh. Looks like you'll have to work through lunch. Good luck." she goes into her office.

I hate her. I hate her. She's awful. I can't get this all done today even if I do work through lunch. So much for an hour of peace and calling Casey.

I don't get home until 11, and even then I'm still not even half done with that work. I left though once Maria left. Casey's asleep in our room.

I start a pot of coffee kick off my shoes and change into some sweat pants. Since I have to truck around court with Maria tomorrow and need these files done for that case. I don't even bother going to bed when I finish. It's already time for me to start getting ready.

Sitting in the car in the middle of traffic I was already late, but now I'm even more late. I try to call Maria to let her know, but the line is busy.

When I do get to the courthouse there's no parking for blocks. So I have to run in heels all the way to the courthouse lugging 5 pounds of folders and papers.

I find Maria and give her the stuff.

"you're late."

"sorry parking and-"

"I don't care." she flips through the folders.

"okay here." she takes out one folder and hands me the rest.

"you want these?" I ask her.

"no just bring them back to the office. I don't need them." she says.

I was suppose to go into court with her today though.

"oh well beggars can't be choosers. Bye." she leaves.

What the hell is that even suppose to mean.

I just busted my ass all night for this work and she's not letting me in court. What the hell. I deserve to be in there first chair not her. I work my ass off twice as much as she does.

I go back to the office pissed as ever. I'm tired and far from in the mood to deal with Maria's shit today. I went from having a good weekend with Casey to a shitty week in a matter of 24 hours. Is that a record? Even SVU and their mess ups didn't ruin my day this quickly.

I'm stressed and tired, and right now all I want is to go to Casey and have her hug me and kiss me and tell me that Maria is stupid and jealous of me. I feel awful. I slump down in my desk and cry a little bit missing Casey more than ever right now. She would never do this to me. She was the best to work with. Even before we were together I loved working with her. Here I am and I'm supposedly Maria's equal and I feel like her pack mule. How did I let this happen to me?

She's gone the whole day thankfully so I get my lunch and I call Casey. Her voice calms me immediately.

"hey baby." she answers.

"hey." I smile hearing her voice like it's the first time in months.

"how's your day?" she asks.

My smile fades.

"okay I got a late start." I tell her.

"I didn't even hear you come home or leave." she says sadly.

"yeah sorry. You were asleep and I didn't want to wake you. How's your day?"

She starts talking about her day. I just listen to her voice.

Keep strong Alex. For Casey. You're doing this for Casey. You love her, and this is how it has to be.

I treasure the time talking to her. We talk for almost an hour.

"I love you." I say to her.

"I love you too."

"I love you." I say it again.

She laughs a little. I love that laugh.

"you said that already."

"so I love you. I can say it as many times as I want and it still wont be enough. I love you Casey Novak."

"I love you too Alex Cabot."

"I'll try to get home before you go to sleep." I tell her.

"okay. I love you."

"I love you too."

I hate to hang up the phone. I already miss hearing her voice. I keep looking at my phone. The background is a picture of us from the weekend. Casey smiling as I kiss her cheek. We're so happy in the picture. I miss this weekend. I want to be happy as the woman in the picture. Not this miserable tired sap I am right now.

I hate being apart from Casey. It's like tearing a hole in my chest and ripping my heart to shreds. It physically hurts when I think about it. My muscles ache, my head pounds, and I just want to stop thinking about being apart from her. This job isn't helping much either. The lack of sleep and stress just adds to the pain.

I lock my phone and put it down, and get back to work.

For Casey. You're doing this for Casey. To be with Casey. For Casey to be happy working in Manhattan.

That's the only thing keeping me from falling apart right now. If it weren't for her I might've thrown something at Maria and gotten arrested by now.

When Maria comes back from court I'm ready to confront her about this morning.

"we need to talk." I walk into her office.

"not now. I need to make a phone call." she waves me off and picks up her phone.

"it's kind of important."

"so." she answers.

"well I-"

"sh."

"hey babe look-" she looks up at me.

Of course another personal phone call.

"you can go now."

For Casey, for Casey.

I sit in my office just about to finish all my work for the day and leave when she bursts in.

"you needed to talk."

"umm yeah did you want those files back?"

"no."

"so then why'd you have me do them?"

"I didn't."

"you kept me here until 10 o'clock last night and made me do these and I still had to bring all of it home. Then you didn't even let me in court what the hell is that?"

"it's not my fault you don't listen or leave your house on time."

"I called you and left you a message I was stuck in traffic."

"well that sucks. Oh but I need you to help me go over notes later."

"I was about to leave."

"well now you're staying." she turns and walks away.

I hate her. Maybe as much as I hate Olivia. At least with Olivia I know why she's so awful towards me and Casey, but I don't get Maria. She's just mean for no reason. How the hell did she even get this job? She must be friends or family of someone in the office.

Just once I want to get home at a decent hour and eat dinner with Casey, and spend some time with her. Is that too much to ask?

Apparently because I don't get home until 10:30 Casey's barely awake though, but she still greets me at the door.

"hey." she kisses me.

"I missed you." I hold her tight.

It feels so good to finally be able to hug her and hold her.

"I missed you too." she hugs me back.

I tell her to go to bed and I'll be in in a minute. I know she'll hate it if I stay up doing work, but I need to.

I do get to bed at 2, and the next morning I don't want to leave her. Especially not to go see that awful Maria.

When I get to the office Maria is there.

"where were you?"

She's suppose to be in court now.

"driving here."

"you were suppose to be in court today with those files."

"I was never told that."

"because of you I had to request a continuance. You let me go in blind because of your own selfishness."

"no you-"

"save it." she takes the stack of files and leaves.

"oh by the way I have more work for you." she narrows her eyes and glares at me.

Alright this isn't work this is slave labor. The whole day is spent working with Maria or having Maria breathing down my neck while I work.

Are you done? Work faster. This morning was your fault blah blah blah. Her voice makes me cringe, and then the never ending ranting and raving about her personal life and stupid things. We'd probably get this work done twice as fast if she spent more time working and less time talking about her boyfriend and gossiping.

By noon I have a pounding head ache and my whole body hurts. Maria decides to have chinese for lunch. The smell is making my stomach turn. When I ask her if she could hold off on the food, and tell her I don't feel well she says no, tells me to suck it up, and not throw up on her desk. I'd say something, but I don't have the energy anymore. The hours go by and I'm almost positive I'm slowly dying.


	35. Chapter 35

**Author's Note: okay so after some consideration I decided to do this chapter in Alex's pov since all of you wanted to see her stand up to Maria and what not. Also because I was scared you would all show up at my apartment with pitch forks and torches to kill me if I didn't do it soon. So here please don't murder me. I would very much like to keep living and writing this fic. So please keep reading and reviewing and enjoy. **

Ch. 35

Alex's POV

On Wednesday I come home feeling like complete crap. I end up awake the whole night throwing up. Casey takes such good care of me though staying up with me and helping me.

I'm completely out of it by morning. I get up trying to go to work. I know Maria will have me for not being there, but when Casey comes back in the room she tucks me back in. I'm freezing cold. She tells me I'm staying home, and gives me my medicine. The rest of the day is pretty much a blur. All I remember is not wanting to drink my ginger ale and only wanting to sleep.

"I'm tired."

"I know baby."

I start to cough. My chest hurts so badly from the coughing and getting sick.

"here drink a little ginger ale." she holds the straw to my chapped lips

"please."

"sleep." I try to lay down.

"Alex please for me."

She does so much for me, and even in my nearly dead state right now she's still so cute. I can never say no to her.

"good. Thank you." she gives me a kiss

"I love you." I mumble.

"I love you too."

I hate being sick. Casey is so good to me. She makes sure I'm comfortable and have everything I need. I'm probably annoying her with all my complaining of aches and being cold.

The next morning I feel a little bit better. Casey still insists on babying me though and giving me my medicine. Normally I would hate this, but I actually like it. I know come Monday Maria will be pissed at me, but if she has any heart at all, and not just the ones she doodles like a twelve year old, then she'll understand.

Well I think that until I hear Casey yelling at someone on the phone. My ears are clogged from being sick so I can't quiet hear what she's saying. She comes back in looking pissed. Who ever she was talking to is going to get it from me, as soon as I can move without falling apart. She comes back and offers to make me soup, but I just want to cuddle her after seeing her so pissed.

I wake up again and the apartment smells like soup. I take a breath, wrap myself in a blanket and get up. Every muscle in my body hurts and feels like it's on fire. I walk out to the living room and only make it to the couch before I need to sit. I can hear Casey in the kitchen and see her through the door every once and a while.

She's happy to see I'm awake, but gets fussy over me moving.

"you need your rest baby." she gives me the tray with my soup.

"I made it though."

She tries to take the spoon from me.

"I'm sick not a baby. I don't need to be spoon fed." I tell her taking a spoonful of soup.

I manage to eat half the bowl of the delicious chicken soup. I keep thinking of how pissed Casey was when she came into the room this morning after talking on the phone. I know it was probably Maria.

"on the phone who were you talking to?" I finally ask her.

"someone from your office. Maria."

"what'd she say?" I asked.

"she told me to tell you to suck it up and take a tylenol. Then when I told her absolutely not she asked what I knew and if I was a doctor. Then she called me a bitch."

I'm going to kill her. I'm going to pick her up and throw her out the office window. A six story drop still wouldn't be enough to get my anger out. I will drag her to the roof of the empire state building and push her off. How dare she talk to my Casey like that. Monday I become a murderer. No one talks to my Casey like that and gets away with it.

"no Alex don't do that face. It's fine. It doesn't bother me."

Too late. I'm ready to kill that woman. If I had any energy I'd be halfway to the office with an axe by now.

I stay on the couch watching tv with Casey for the rest of the night. I fall asleep on her and she doesn't wake me up until later and brings me to bed.

Finally it's Saturday and I don't have to worry about Casey talking to Maria. I don't like them talking. Maria is an awful bitch and her talking to me like that is one thing, but talking to Casey like that oh no. She's getting it from me come Monday, but for now I'm going to have a weekend with my beautiful sweet Casey even if I am getting over this bug.

In the morning I go to take a shower but I can't stand for that long and my body hurts, so Casey helps me shower and get dressed. She shouldn't have to spend her day off taking care of me.

"I love taking care of you." she says giving me a kiss on the cheek.

She covers me in a blanket on the couch.

"I'm really the luckiest girl in the world."

"nope. I am." she says.

"I am."

"I am." she shoots back.

I start coughing. She gets my ginger ale.

"slow down baby." she tells me.

The coughing stops.

"I win." she tells me with a smile.

"whatever I still love you the most." I tell her.

"I love you more."

"I love you more."

"nope."

"yes."

"no."

"I love Casey Novak the most-est-est-est."

"that's not a word."

"yes it is I just invented it." I smiled.

She gives me a kiss.

"don't you'll get sick." I pull away.

The last thing I want is for Casey to get sick and feel as awful as I do.

"hey I haven't kissed you in days. I don't care at this point I love you too much." she kisses me again.

I loved spending the Saturday with Casey just cuddled up on the couch. I really do feel like the luckiest girl in the world. Of all the women Casey could've fallen in love with and it was me. That's better than the lottery, so much better. She spoils me the whole weekend taking care of me. I only got sick one other time when I tried to eat half a Casey made, so she had me go back to the chicken soup, crackers, and ginger ale diet.

It's Sunday morning and I wake up first.

"Casey." I shake her lightly.

"mmhmm?" she sits up.

"are you okay? Did you throw up? Do you need more ginger ale?" she starts fussing over me.

"can you get me some popsicles?" I asked her.

She gets out of bed and gets dressed.

"anything else you need while I'm out?" she asked.

"a kiss." I tell her.

"we have plenty of those already." she says then kissing me.

She comes back half an hour later with popsicles, ginger ale, tissues and more medicine.

"stop that." she says later that afternoon when I'm eating a popsicle.

"what?" I asked.

"that."

"what?"

"the popsicle." she points to it.

"what Casey- that's how you're suppose to eat a popsicle."

"I don't like it." she crosses her arms.

"get your head out of the gutter."

"stop eating it all seductively."

I can't help, but laugh even with my aching chest.

She still has her arms crossed and a serious face on.

"you're so cute." I tell her once I've stopped laughing.

"your sweet talking will get you nowhere Cabot."

"I'm not sweet talking. I'm voicing the truth. You are very very cute." I kiss her cheek.

"and you're a seductive popsicle eater."

"it's one of my many talents." I kiss her neck.

"well stop."

"why?" I kiss her neck again.

"because."

I place the popsicle on her neck and it melts on her. I kiss where the melted juice is using my teeth lightly.

She takes a sharp inhale of breath.

"what are you doing?" she asks.

"eating my popsicle."

"you're sick."

"so make me feel better."

I couldn't do much since my body ached too much, but Casey definitely made me feel much better, and much more relaxed.

Sick or not it was a good weekend with my Casey.

"are you sure?" she asks that night as I'm getting my outfit ready for the next day.

"my fever is down, I'm not throwing up. I feel fine. Don't worry."

"what's one more day?" she asks.

We continue to go back and forth for a while.

"I have my medicine. I'll take it and some soup with me to work."

"but-"

"how about if I feel too sick I come home?"

She gives me a look.

"okay then that and I'll call you at lunch and let you know how I'm feeling."

"and come home before 6 please. Come on Alex you're still not a hundred percent. I don't want you getting yourself more sick. You need rest. I'm standing firm on that."

"okay." I put my hands around her waist.

"and if you are even one millisecond late I will come and find you and you will be back in this bed missy."

I raise my eye brow.

"no not like that. You will be resting and relaxing."

"what if I need your help relaxing."

"then I will get you more chicken soup."

The next morning I woke up and Casey woke up too, reminding me to call her at lunch and to leave if I feel sick again.

"if you're to sick to drive call me and I will come get you."

"got it." I kiss her.

"and drink plenty of water, and take your medicine. After you eat your soup though you don't want to upset your stomach more. Are you sure you're going to be warm enough?"

"Casey I'll be fine. Don't worry." I tell her.

"fine then don't come crying to me to cuddle when you're cold."

"I love you." I kiss her again.

"I love you too. You have a good day." she says.

I get to the office and as promised I call Casey. She yet again fusses and tells me to drink water and go home if I don't feel good. I love her, but she doesn't need to worry.

Maria comes in and I know she's going to yell at me.

"where were you?"

"I was sick. You were informed of this."

"you didn't call."

"no I had-"

"you're suppose to call not your girlfriend."

"I was throwing up and could barely talk excuse you, and by the way what you said on the phone to my girlfriend unacceptable. Let me tell you she does not get spoken to like that ever. She puts up with a lot of your crap because you decide to make me your bitch. She never sees me because of you, so the last thing you should be doing is calling her a bitch. You upset her and I do not like when my girlfriend is upset do you hear me. I do not like people who upset my girlfriend. I have no patience for people who upset my Casey. Now here's how it's going to go from now on. I am not going to be your bitch. I am going to do **my** work, the work **I** am assigned. **Not** yours. I am going to leave here at 6 o'clock every day, and if there is trial prep that needs to be done we will do it in the after noon. I will come in at 9 not 6:30. I will **not **come earlier and I will **not **stay later. Now, if you have any objections I suggest you take them and your puffy pink nail polish and shove it. Are we clear?"

She looks completely shocked.

"you can't talk to me like that." she tries to fight back.

"and yet I just did. Now go." I point to the door.

She screeches at the top of her lungs and leaves.

No one talks to my Casey like that and gets away with it. I wonder if there's room for her on Casey's idiot eating shark island for her?

I feel so much better after that. Well with the exception of my chest and throat from raising my voice and talking too long. I don't think Maria will be an issue anymore.


	36. Chapter 36

Ch. 36

Casey's POV

When Alex gets home Wednesday night she looks horrible. Aside from looking like she hasn't slept in two days she's almost translucent and has a green tint. I shoot up from my seat and go to her.

"hey are you feeling okay baby?" I ask her trying not to freak out.

I put my cheek to her forehead she's burning up.

"no." she says.

She sounds congested.

"let's get you to bed."

I help her get out of her clothes and into her pajamas.

"just a- all the s- s- sudden I felt hor-r-r-rible." she stutters.

She's shivering. I have her drink some water.

"you're staying home."

"no I- I'll- be-" she jumps up and makes a dive for the bathroom.

I go in and hold her hair back and rub her back as she heaves. Poor Alex. She's over working herself so much she got sick. I feel horrible. She can't keep doing this. Once she finishes I help clean her up and get her back to bed. I put every blanket with in reach over her.

"you're staying home tomorrow." I kiss her cheek and hold her close.

"no it's just something I ate."

I'm not budging she's staying home until she feels better. I'm not sending her out to the office and have her get worse.

I spend the whole night taking care of Alex. She wouldn't stop throwing up or shivering. I get under the blankets to hold her and try to warm her up. This is awful. I know last night she was up working. I didn't say anything though because I know she's trying, and I don't want to make it harder for her, but if working these hours at the office, and coming home to do more work is making her so stressed she gets this sick I don't know if I can handle it anymore. I don't like seeing her like this.

Finally at 5 o'clock I put on some clothes and go out to find an open pharmacy. When I get home Alex is trying to get out of bed, but isn't having much success.

"whoa slow down."

"I need to get to work." she mumbled.

"no. You're staying home." I put her back under the covers.

"but I have to."

"Alex you're sick. You're going to stay here so I can take care of you. Work can wait. I want you to feel better."

I have her take some medicine and she falls back asleep.

At 7 I call the office to tell them I wont be in today. Alex can barely sit up by herself l'm not leaving her alone. I hated even leaving her to go to the pharmacy for 10 minutes. Then I call Alex's office and let them know she wont be in. The secretary I talked to was actually very nice and said it was no problem.

Not even half an hour after I call her office her phone starts ringing waking her up. Seriously she needs her rest. She goes to grab her phone.

"no Alex sleep I got it."

I take the phone call out to the kitchen.

"Alex Cabot's phone." I answer.

"Cavit is that you?" a woman on the other line says.

"no this is Casey. Who's this?"

"Maria, I work with Alexa is she there?"

Alexa? Did I hear her right?

"oh no I called the office a while ago. Alex is out sick today."

"what?" the woman's tone drops.

"she's sick."

"can you tell her to take a tylenol or something I need her."

"excuse me?"

Is this woman serious?

"she's puking and can barely get out of bed. So no she cannot just take a tylenol or something just because you need her. It's because of your office over working her that she probably got as sick as she is. Now unless you want to deal with me I suggest you move on and figure something else out, because she is not going to work today or tomorrow. Have a nice day." I hang up the phone.

Take a tylenol or something. Really? That woman's lucky I wasn't there in person to scream at her. She over works my Alex and then still wants to over work her when she's sick. Absolutely not.

I go back to check her and shut off her phone.

"I'm cold." she mumbles.

"you want more blankets?"

She nods.

I go and find all the blankets we have. When I come back I help her out of her sweaty pajamas and into new ones.

"I'm tired."

"I know baby."

I hate this I hate seeing her like this.

She starts having a coughing fit.

"here drink a little ginger ale." I hold the straw to her mouth.

She shakes her head.

"please."

"sleep."

"Alex please for me."

She lifts her head and takes a few sips.

"good. Thank you." I kiss her forehead.

"I love you." she says.

"I love you too."

She falls back asleep.

My poor Alex. I want her to feel better.

I keep the heat up and make sure she's warm. The next time she wakes up I check her temperature hoping it's not too bad to bring her to the doctor. Thankfully it isn't. I give her some more ginger ale and medicine and she falls back asleep.

"feel better baby." I kiss her forehead.

I sit in the bed with her for the day. Checking her temperature and giving her ginger ale. She cuddles up to me for more warmth. I love her so much and I hate seeing her sick and in pain. I think maybe it's time to start thinking of talking to her DA or supervisor or whoever is giving her these ridiculous hours.

Occasionally Alex will wake up and start coughing. She sounds awful, and the ginger ale doesn't seem to want to help anymore. She's slept for most of the day and I don't blame her. She wakes up again around 6 and starts coughing and heaving. I wish I could make this stop for her. She clutches her chest and heaves over the bowl. She finishes and falls back on her pillow still coughing up a storm. I give her some more ginger ale.

"ouch." She squeaks.

I help her sit up so I can get her medicine.

"you're so good to me."

Her voice is rough and raspy.

"shhh don't hurt your throat."

"I'm sorry I'm such a crappy girlfriend."

"you're not a crappy girlfriend. You're the best and most beautiful girlfriend in the whole world. I love you very very much. What I don't love is when you over work and get sick because of it."

"sorry."

"it's not your fault now just rest for me okay. I'll be in the kitchen if you need me." I kiss her forehead which still feels warm.

She snuggles back up.

The night isn't much different from the last. She wakes up a lot, but instead of throwing up she's coughing like crazy. She needs to feel better damn it. Why didn't I become a doctor or something?

The next morning she's awake a little more because the coughing is keeping her awake.

"I can take my own medicine." she rasps.

"nope I'm doing it you're sick." I give her the medicine.

I don't want Alex to lift a finger. I like taking care of her.

"I'll get you more ginger ale and call work." I tell her.

"no I can do it." she says over a cough.

"no rest. Or else." I tell her.

I call both offices. Just as I'm about to call her office the phone starts ringing. I barely get in a hello before someone starts yelling into the phone.

"where are you?"

Ouch. It's the woman on the phone yesterday. The same one who pretty much wanted Alex to take a tylenol work a miracle and go to work yesterday.

"she's still sick."

"seriously. Is it really that bad that she can't just wing it?" the woman asks.

"yes it is serious." I tell her.

"what do you know? Are you her doctor?" she says in a condescending tone.

"I'm her girlfriend, and I know what's best for her. Which is staying home from work. Now leave her the hell alone. She's sick and you're going to have to survive without her until Monday." I hang the phone up.

"you don't have to be such a bitch."

Is she kidding me? What is she sixteen?

"Goodbye." I hang up the phone.

I get Alex what she needs and go back to our room.

"here you go." I give her the ginger ale.

"who were you yelling at?" she asks.

"some woman at your office. Don't worry about it."

"what'd she say to you?" she asks worried.

She starts coughing again.

"don't worry rest please."

She sits back.

"do you think if I made you some soup you might want some?" I ask her.

"will you cuddle me for a while first?" she asks.

I climb onto the bed and hold her.

"love you." she says snuggling close.

I love Alex. I hope who ever that woman was on the phone gets a piece of her mind real soon. If not I'm just going to have to talk to McCoy, and he's going to have to listen.

Alex falls asleep quickly. She's so beautiful when she sleeps. I hate leaving her, but she going to need food when she wakes up. I manage to squirm out of her cuddle without waking her. I try to be as quiet as I can in the kitchen while making the soup, but not quiet enough because when I go to bring the tray to the room Alex is sitting on the couch with a smile. Good this is a sign we're headed in the right direction of her getting better.

"you need your rest baby." I tell her.

"I made it though."

I attempt to feed her, but she declines.

"I'm sick not a baby. I don't need to be spoon fed."

But I like babying her.

She eat a good amount of the soup.

"this is delicious." she tells me.

Her voice is still pretty raspy and sick sounding.

"on the phone who were you talking to?" she asks.

Her face falls when I tell her. She looks ready to kill someone. She's sick and I don't want her to worry. I've been called much worse things than a bitch. I should've kept my mouth shut. The only thing Alex needs to worry about is feeling better.

"no Alex don't do that face. It's fine. It doesn't bother me."

That was the last of talking about that. The rest of the night was spent with cuddling Alex on the couch watching tv. She fell asleep soon after laying down on me.

I love her so much, and I don't want her to worry about some stupid girl when she's sick. I just want her to feel better. After two hours I figure Alex would be more comfortable in bed. I wake her up and help her in her half awake self to bed. I change into my pajamas and go back to being her human teddy bear for the night.

In the morning I help Alex take a shower. I have to suppress the urges to get up to our usual shower antics.

She's sick, she's sick. She can barely stand. Oh but her wet naked body. No Casey. She's sick. There's plenty of time for that later when she's better. But a week without sex. No Casey no. But- NO! Okay god.

I help her into clean pajamas after the shower. Then help her to the couch. Her body must be killing her by now.

"I'm sorry you have to spend your Saturday taking care of my sick butt."

"I love taking care of you." I kiss her cheek

"I'm really the luckiest girl in the world." she says with a smile

"nope. I am." I throw back.

"I am."

"I am."

She starts to have another coughing fit. I quickly grab the ginger ale for her. I hate the coughing it sounds painful. I hate seeing my Alex in pain like this.

"slow down baby."

The coughing stops after a minute.

"I win." I say to her.

"whatever I still love you the most." she says.

Impossible.

"I love you more."

"I love you more."

"nope."

"yes."

"no."

"I love Casey Novak the most-est-est-est." she draws out.

"that's not a word." I point out.

"yes it is I just invented it."

I can't not love her. I just react and kiss her on the lips.

"don't you'll get sick." she says pulling away.

I don't really care. Kissing Alex is worth it.

"hey I haven't kissed you in days. I don't care at this point I love you too much." I kiss her again.

I spend the rest of the day babying my Alex. I actually like this. Not seeing Alex in pain, but taking care of her, and treating her like a queen. I make sure she has all her medicine and plenty of fluids. I just want her to feel better.

The next morning I'm shaken awake by Alex requesting popsicles.

Anything for my Alex. I don't want to leave her, but if she wants popsicles then I shall get popsicles. I head out and get her the popsicles and more things.

She's laying on me on the couch eating the popsicle and I keep watching her red lips which are extra red from the red popsicle. Stupid urges. Go away. But her lips on my- no go away. Go. She's sick and in pain. This is no time for making love. She hurts. There's always time to make love with Alex Cabot though. No. But lips. No! Lips. NO! Meh. Stupid urges.

"stop that." I finally tell her.

"what?" she turns and asks.

"the popsicle."

"what Casey- that's how you're suppose to eat a popsicle."

Yes but my body doesn't seem to understand that and wants to turn itself on anyway.

"I don't like it." I cross my arms.

"get your head out of the gutter."

It's not even my fault. It's that suppressed raging sexy side of me's fault. I can't help it if my sexy side has extremely bad timing.

"stop eating it all seductively." I tell her.

She starts laughing. Damn it. Even her laugh turns me on. Why does the world torture me with my sexy girlfriend.

"You are very very cute."

"and you're a seductive popsicle eater."

"it's one of my many talents." she kisses my neck

"well stop."

"why?"

"because."

Because I want you and your sick damn it.

She takes the popsicle and puts it against my neck. Great I'm burning up from the heating and being turned on so the popsicle melts right on my skin. She licks the melted juice off my neck. Damn it. Down Casey down. Do not jump your sick sexy girlfriend.

"you're sick." I point out.

"so make me feel better."

I don't want to toot my own horn, but by the sounds she made I think she feels much better.

The next day Alex is going to work. I continue to worry over her that night and into the next morning. She promises to call me at lunch and get home early. I swear if she is late I am driving over there and dragging her beautiful butt out of there.

I keep my phone near me all day just in case. I hope she doesn't call sick I want Alex to feel better. When I'm eating lunch my phone rings. It's her.

"Alex. Are you feeling okay? Do you need me?"

"I feel fine. I miss you."

"good. I miss you too. Now did you take your medicine, and eat your soup first? Have you been getting enough to drink."

"slow down baby. Yes I took some tylenol earlier. I'm eating the soup now, then I'll take my other medicine, and I've burned through three bottles of water. Happy?"

"no."

"why?" she asks.

"because I want to give you a kiss."

"well I'm getting out early so when I get home you can kiss me all you want."

"you better be home early."

"don't worry I'll make sure of it. I'm leaving at 6 no later."

She sounded really confident she'd be getting out early. So I fully intend on cooking her dinner when she gets home. We talked for all of lunch and I hated hanging up the phone. She sounded better, but I get worried about my Alex.

I attempt to get a meeting in with stupid McCoy today, but his stupid secretary said his stupid self was in a meeting. Stupid meetings. After hearing that Maria girl from Alex's office I really don't like her being there.

Take a tylenol and suck it up. How about I take you to my island and feed you to sharks. There I was at home taking care of my Alex, and that lady has the nerve to tell her to suck it up.

I get out of work and head to the store. I keep telling myself not to get too excited, but I can't help it. She sounded like she was sure, and I have to trust she will come home when she says she will be on time.

It's nearing 7 o'clock. It takes just under an hour to get from Alex's office home. I started dinner a few minutes ago, so I hope she'll be home-

"Casey."

She's home.

I go out of the kitchen and to the door. She's standing there with a bunch of flowers.

"I'm home." she smiles.

I'm so happy I shower her in kisses.

"for you." she hands me the flowers.

"thank you." I kiss her.

"something smells good." she says.

"I'm cooking you your first non soup meal. Unless you want soup I can heat some more up for you."

"nope. I'm all good."

We eat dinner together and spend the rest of the evening cuddled up together. This is how it's suppose to be and I hope it stays this way, but I still plan on talking to McCoy come tomorrow morning, because I can't get that Maria girl out of my head. I don't like Alex working with people who are like that. At least here I know who I'm dealing with. I don't know Maria and if I did I'd probably slap her for being mean to Alex.


	37. Chapter 37

Ch.37

Alex's POV

I get through the day feeling much better. I even get to take a break from working with Maria to call Casey. She doesn't seem all that convinced I'm going home early, but I can't blame her. I've promised it a million times since I started working here and never once have I followed through, but tonight is the night I get home at a normal time and see my beautiful girlfriend.

At 6 o'clock I collect my stuff and leave.

"wait Cabot."

Oh my gosh she knows my name.

"yes?" I turn around.

She looks terrified.

"ha- have a good night."

I smile and walk away.

I'm free.

When I get back into Manhattan I go and pick up flowers to surprise Casey. I'm so excited to see her. The elevator is so slow, but once I get to our floor I nearly run to the door.

"Casey." I call out.

She comes out of the kitchen.

"I'm home."

She runs for me and gives me a million kisses before I even get my coat off.

The evening was perfect. Just how things should be. We ate the wonderful dinner Casey made, and then cuddled up on the couch. I feel much better now that everything at work is squared away.

I don't have to leave until 8, but I still end up waking up early. Casey's still asleep on me. I just watch her sleep.

I start wondering what our future will be like. If she'd want to get married. Would she want kids? And a house? It's so easy to picture my future with Casey. Almost as if it's suppose to happen. I can see us growing old and being happy forever. Even if she didn't want a big wedding or kids or even a dog I'd still be happy, because I'm happy when Casey's happy.

I'm stuck in thought for a while until she starts waking up. She makes cute little squeaky groans. She's so adorable when she wakes up I can't help but smile. She tries to move, but I'm holding her. She sits up and looks at me.

"are you sick, is everything okay?" she asks quickly.

"nope."

"did you wake up late?"

"no."

"I love you and all, but what are you still doing here baby?"

"I don't have to be to work until 9." I smile.

She smiles.

"really?"

"mmhm."

She lays her head back on me and hugs me.

"I love you." she yawns.

We spend a little time in bed together before we have to get up and start getting ready. It was so nice not to have to rush and actually be awake by the time I leave.

Casey gives me a kiss.

"I will be home at 7." I tell her.

"Alex if-"

"no. Things are going to be different now."

"okay." she smiles.

I give her one last kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

After lunch I get a phone call it's from the Manhattan DA's office. I assume it to be Casey.

"hello." I say happily.

"hello Ms. Cabot."

It's not Casey it's McCoy.

"I hope you're not busy." he starts

"no not at all. What can I do for you?" I ask nervously.

What does he want. I'm not working any cases that cross with that office, so why is he calling?

"I called because I want to offer you a chance to come back at the office."

I would love to go back to the office, but I'm with Casey and we can't be together and work together.

"You were my best ADA you worked the toughest unit in my opinion and you did it well-"

"sir with all do respect I have to decline." I tell him.

"when was the last time you saw the inside of a courtroom Alexandra?"

That is none of his business.

I stay silent.

"just think about it and call me if you'd like to reconsider."

I hang up the phone.

Why would McCoy want me back. Casey is perfectly capable of handling SVU cases alone. She's done it without me before. These past few weeks she seems to be doing okay. Well come to think of it we haven't really talked about work much. I don't ask her because I was always sure she'd ask about my work and before when I was maria's bitch I hated even thinking about work, so I avoided the subject as much as possible.

She didn't seem like her usual Casey happy, but I thought maybe it was because I was working late and pretty much blowing her off everyday. Wouldn't she at least want to confide in me if work was too difficult? Maybe she didn't want to bother me.

Damn it Alex why didn't you ask her. You were so absorbed in your own pity party that you didn't even think about what was going on in Casey's life at work. What is wrong with you? She is there everyday working the hardest most emotionally draining unit, and all you could focus on was puffy pink Maria. She has to deal with Olivia all by herself, and you never once asked her if everything was going okay. You just up and left her there thinking it was the best. What if she's miserable with all the work and Olivia? Remember how horrible it was before she came. Cleaning up the detective's messes everyday, seeing Olivia. Only it's worse for her because now Olivia's dishing out crap to her. Why didn't I ask? She probably thinks I don't even care. I do care a lot though. I care a lot about how Casey is. I'm only happy if Casey's happy. Damn it why didn't I ask! Isn't that just natural to ask your sweet caring girlfriend how her day at work was. How she is. I care about her happiness so much I didn't even ask if she was happy.

When I get home she's there sitting on the couch with a smile.

"hey baby." she smiles.

I give her a kiss.

There's paper work on the coffee table. No. Casey never brings work home.

"what's all this?" I ask trying to not act like I'm having a panic attack.

"just some paper work I wanted to get out of the way. Which I did so now I'm all yours." she kisses my neck.

I pull her away.

"how was your day?" I ask her.

"good because I got to wake up to you." she goes to kiss me again but I stop her.

"is everything okay at work?"

"yeah. Why is work okay for you?" she asks.

"yeah now it is."

I don't know if I should tell her about the phone call from McCoy.

"alright what's up?" she asked.

"nothing."

"Alex I know when something's up with you."

"how?"

"I can read your mind now what's going on?"

"McCoy called me today. He wanted me to come back to the office."

"if- if I tell you something do you promise not to be mad?"

"oh Casey you didn't." I move away from her.

She told McCoy to call me.

"why would you do that? You know I can't go back."

"I did it for you Alex. You were so unhappy, and that girl on the phone- I didn't know what else to do."

"you can't just go doing that Casey. That's my job."

"you did it."

"it's different Casey. I told McCoy to reassign me not you. If work is so difficult you should've come to me first so we could figure something else out."

I'm pretty pissed she didn't come talk to me.

"I didn't know how to tell you that I didn't like you being there."

"what do you mean you don't like me being there. I come home early now and I leave later. I told you it's different."

"I didn't like that girl Maria. I don't like you working with people who treat you like crap Alex."

"they don't."

"really then why have I been spending the past month waiting until 10, 11 o'clock for you to come home only for you to be gone when I wake up. You're never here Alex and I don't like it. You're not happy with it I can tell. I want you to be happy. I was trying to help you."

"it's not your place."

"oh but it's your place when you go and talk to Olivia, or move offices. You never even talked to me about switching offices Alex."

"because you left."

"even after that. I told you I didn't like it and all you could say was that it had to be this way. You didn't even try to talk to McCoy."

"there's rules Casey. The rules say we can work together, or be together. Either or, but not both. You know that Casey. I'm sorry I can't change that. I wish I could but I'm not Wonder Woman, I can't magically make everything to your liking. Even though I try it's not possible. I would love to be able to work with there and be with you, but I can't. So what do I do I bust my ass everyday over there so I can be with you. I chose you and your happiness."

She's crying.

"I'm not happy though Alex. I'm not happy with you being there and never being around. I miss you Alex. You kept saying "I'll be home early promise" and you never even kept that promise not once. Not until yesterday Alex. You say it's different now, but how do I know tomorrow you won't have to work late, or go in early. I'm tired of waiting for you, and guessing when you're going to come home, or I'm going to get to do something with you other than sleep. I hate not seeing you because I love you so much and I want to spend time with you like we use to because I liked it Alex. It's hard without you. It's hard to work and deal with cases and Olivia by myself. So no everything isn't okay because you aren't here. You're never here anymore."

"I'm here now. What do you want me to do Casey? What can I do to make it better?"

"nothing." she gets up and goes to our room slamming the door.

I can't understand why she'd go and do that without talking to me first. I get that she's upset because I've been working. I'm upset about it too, but I can't go back. If we ever got caught by McCoy we'd both lose our jobs, and I'm not letting her lose something she worked hard for. I did this so we could be together and be happy. Why is it keeping us from each other. We see each other less than if she had chose her job and broke up with me. I miss her, but I don't know how I can make it better. I don't like her being unhappy and I want to make her happy. I'll do anything to make Casey happy, and I don't know what I can do. I don't know what she wants me to do to make it better for her. There's no winning. I can't work with her and be with her. She hates me working in the Bronx and I hate it too. I hate being away from her. I hate breaking promises. I hate letting her down. I never want to let her down like this again.


	38. Chapter 38

**Author's Note: The new semester starts this week so updating might not happen everyday like I would like, but I will try and update when I can. Please be patient and don't come kill me if I don't update everyday. Enjoy!**

Ch.38

Casey's POV

Waking up the next morning I'm still sleeping on Alex to my surprise. She doesn't have to be in until nine and I'm so happy I get to spend my morning with her. We spend some time in bed relaxing and kissing and then get up to get ready. I kiss her before she leaves. Savoring the kiss.

"I will be home at 7."

I hate thinking this, but I don't want to get my hopes up and then have her not come home until ten, but she insists things are different. I wish I could really believe in that, but I can't. I want to believe she'll be home at seven just like she said, but it's hard. I should trust that Alex will keep that promise, but I don't know. I in no way blame her for working late. I know that's not her fault, but still it's hard to believe it's different.

She gives me a kiss.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I feel awful not believing that Alex will come home on time. It's not her fault and I should give her more credit that I am. I don't know why I keep thinking so negative about this, but I just do.

When I get to the office I have an 11 o'clock meeting with McCoy. I'm not sure what I want to say to him, or what will get the ideal outcome. All I really want is for Alex to come back. She belongs at this office with me. I know it sounds a little selfish, but she's not happy there I can see it, and I wouldn't be doing this if I thought that's what Alex was happy with. I don't like her being there and she knows that, and I'm upset she never even talked to me about it. Granted we did have a fight when she left, but still. Even after I said I didn't like it and all she could say was "this is how it has to be" So in order for us to be together we can never see each other and she has to spend 90% of her time at that office, and the only time I see her are at night when she's asleep, weekends, and if she's sick. No, that's not a relationship that's being roommates. I'm not her roommate damn it. I'm her girlfriend. I want to see her after work everyday and every morning. I want to spend all my time with her, because every second I'm not with her is painful. I love Alex and all I want is to be with her, and right now it doesn't feel like I am. If I had known this is how it was going to be this way I would've never let her go to that office. We might as well have broken up because it doesn't even feel like we're together, just sometimes when we're free. I shouldn't have to schedule or guess when I'm going to have time with her. I miss her a lot. Even when I am with her it doesn't feel like it use to. It feels rushed and I don't want to waste a second not being with her because I love her so much.

I probably sound selfish and clingy, and it's not easy to understand even for me. I don't know why I hurt every time I'm away from Alex, but I do. I don't know why, but if I know anything is that I love Alex and I love being with her, and right now I just don't feel like I'm with her. It's a distant presence around her, and I don't like it. I want to feel connected to her like we should be, and this job is disconnecting us. The last thing I want is for us to break up over a stupid job because her hours suck and it hurts me too much missing her.

When I get to McCoy's office I keep reminding myself I'm doing this for Alex.

"what can I do for you Ms. Novak."

I've had hours to think about what I want to say and I have nothing. Say something Casey.

"we need Alex Cabot back."

And let us watch as my plan goes down the toilet.

"oh. Why is that?" he asks.

"because she's the best SVU ADA and she belongs here."

"is the work too much for you Ms. Novak because I'm sure we can work something out."

"no sir not at all. It's just- I'm- She belongs here not there. She probably never gets inside the court room, and I just think it's better if she's here."

"if she wants to come back I have no problem with that Ms. Novak, but if not and the work is too much I expect you to let me know. Understood?"

"yes sir."

"alright. Goodbye." he says.

I leave the office and go back to my own.

Well that was the biggest failure of my entire life. Now Alex is never going to get to come back, and I'll probably get reassigned, or worse stuck with another ADA. No god please don't let that happen. I'd rather have no one than have someone come in and replace Alex. No I refuse. If that happens I will leave this office and just scream. No. I refuse to work with anyone that isn't my Alex.

I get home scared out of my mind that tomorrow when I walk in the office McCoy will give me some other ADA to work with. That will be my own living nightmare right there.

I don't even know if I should tell Alex about my talking to McCoy. Of course I want to be honest with her, but I don't want her to get mad or anything.

I attempt to get the paper work I didn't do today done in fear f I slack McCoy will give me another ADA. I'm so lost inside my head that when she comes home I have completely forgotten that this morning she said she was coming home at 7.

"how was your day?" she asks.

"good, because I got to wake up to you." I tell her.

It was good because of that, but as soon as she left my day was just miserable.

"is everything okay at work?" she asks.

Crap she knows.

"yeah. Why is work okay for you?"

"yeah now it is."

She looks like something is bothering her.

"alright what's up?" I ask her.

"Alex I know when something's up with you."

When she tells me that McCoy called her office I know I have to be honest with her and tell her.

"if- if I tell you something do you promise not to be mad?"

"oh Casey you didn't." she lets go of my hands.

I feel like crap now. I was only trying to help.

"why would you do that? You know I can't go back."

"I did it for you Alex. You were so unhappy, and that girl on the phone- I didn't know what else to do." I explain to her.

"you can't just go doing that Casey. That's my job."

"you did it." I point out.

"it's different Casey. I told McCoy to reassign me not you. If work is so difficult you should've come to me first so we could figure something else out."

She's right. I shouldn't have, but I didn't know what else to do.

"I didn't know how to tell you that I didn't like you being there."

"what do you mean you don't like me being there. I come home early now and I leave later. I told you it's different."

I don't know what to say to her that will help her understand how I feel.

"I didn't like that girl Maria. I don't like you working with people who treat you like crap Alex."

"they don't."

I don't care if it's one of them or all of them. If someone is treating Alex like that I don't like it one bit, and I want it to stop.

"really then why have I been spending the past month waiting until 10, 11 o'clock for you to come home only for you to be gone when I wake up. You're never here Alex and I don't like it. You're not happy with it I can tell. I want you to be happy. I was trying to help you."

"it's not your place."

Then what is my place exactly? She's gone and tried to help me before and that was perfectly fine, but as soon as I try and help her it's just not okay.

"oh but it's your place when you go and talk to Olivia, or move offices. You never even talked to me about switching offices Alex."

"because you left."

Seriously? Even after I came back and we worked things out she still didn't even have the decency to talk it over with me or find an alternative to her leaving the office.

"even after that. I told you I didn't like it and all you could say was that it had to be this way. You didn't even try to talk to McCoy."

"there's rules Casey. The rules say we can work together, or be together. Either or, but not both. You know that Casey. I'm sorry I can't change that."

She didn't even try though.

I start tearing up because I'm angry and upset, and sad that she's angry with me.

"I wish I could but I'm not Wonder Woman, I can't magically make everything to your liking. Even though I try it's not possible. I would love to be able to work with there and be with you, but I can't. So what do I do I bust my ass everyday over there so I can be with you. I chose you and your happiness."

But it doesn't even feel like we're together anymore. It's distant and painful.

"I'm not happy though Alex. I'm not happy with you being there and never being around. I miss you Alex. You kept saying "I'll be home early promise" and you never even kept that promise not once. Not until yesterday Alex. You say it's different now, but how do I know tomorrow you won't have to work late, or go in early. I'm tired of waiting for you, and guessing when you're going to come home, or I'm going to get to do something with you other than sleep. I hate not seeing you because I love you so much and I want to spend time with you like we use to because I liked it Alex. It's hard without you. It's hard to work and deal with cases and Olivia by myself. So no everything isn't okay because you aren't here. You're never here anymore."

I'm crying harder now.

"I'm here now. What do you want me to do Casey? What can I do to make it better?" her voice gets calm.

I don't know what else to say to her.

My crying calms down.

"nothing."

I get up and go into our room because I just need space now. I don't want to see her mad.

I know she's mad, and I know I did a stupid thing. Why did I do that? I should've talked to her first. If I wanted her to talk to me first about her moving offices then why didn't I do the same for her before I went and talked to McCoy about bringing her back. Why am I such an idiot.

She's mad and I don't blame her, but I wish somehow I could just help her understand what it feels like for me. I don't want to be distant from her, or waiting for her all the time. I want to be close to her and not waiting. I want things to go back to how they were because we were really happy when they were that way. Then it was so easy. I still love Alex just as much if not more than I did then, but this whole waiting and not seeing each other just makes everything difficult.

I wonder if it's as hard for her as it is for me? If she misses me as much as I miss her. I wish she'd understand how hard it is for me. It's been an hour and I haven't stopped crying.

"Casey." she calls from the other side of the door.

I don't answer her because I know I'll just get more sad and mad. I'm so mad at myself. I don't want to face Alex right now.

"Casey." she opens the door.

I just keep staring at the wall because I don't want to see her mad right now, because if I look at her I'll just start crying more.

The bed moves as she climbs on it. She lays behind me and holds me close.

"I love you." she kisses my cheek.

"I just miss you so much." I tell her.

"I miss you too."

I turn over to face her.

"no Alex it's not even like I miss you. It hurts when you aren't here. I hurt when you're not here. Then when you are here it's just not like how it use to be and it makes me miss you more."

"what can I do to make it better? I want it to be better."

"Build a time machine, and send McCoy to the island." I answered.

"I'm serious Casey. How can I fix this?"

"talk to McCoy. Just talk to him. Please."

"Casey-"

"please. I just need to know that we at least tried. Please Alex."

There's a silence.

"okay." she says.

I kiss her happy out of my mind.

Even if McCoy does say no I want to be able to tell myself we at least tried.

"but if he says no-" Alex started.

"I know. I'll drop it."

"well if he says no then what?" Alex asked.

"can we cross that bridge if we get to it."

"okay." she kisses me.

"but can we make a promise that if we're going to help each other we talk about it first even if we don't want to, or we're fighting?"

"alright."

It's a start back to the way things were. I can't even think about McCoy saying no, because I want to stay positive. Maybe if I stay positive it will happen. Alex needs to come back. She's the best in SVU even better than me, and it's where she belongs, because that's where her best work is.

We work well together that's just how it is. Even when we worked and were together we still worked really well. Maybe McCoy will see that and let it slide.

McCoy can't fit a meeting with her in until Thursday. I hate waiting because I'm so anxious to know what he'll decide. I try to keep a positive mind, and my thoughts away from the what ifs. What if he says no? What if she comes back, but he reassigns us to different cases? I can't think like that because every time I do I feel bad.

I offered to go with Alex, but she insisted on going to the meeting alone. So now I'm pacing around my office nervous.

"it's okay everything's gonna be okay."

It's been over an hour now. What could they be talking about? Where is she? No he said no and she didn't want to tell me at the office. I've checked my phone a dozen times in the last five minutes to see if she texted me or called or something.

My phone starts ringing, but it's not her. It's the precinct. I'm needed there, but what if she comes by while I'm gone?

I text her to let her know I wont be in my office and I'll see her at home.

The whole time I'm at the precinct I'm anxious more so then before. I want to know already.

At 2 o'clock when I get back to my office I slump in my chair and check my phone. No message from Alex. This is bad. This is very very not good. He said no and she doesn't want to tell me while I'm at work. She probably doesn't want me distracted. Too late though I can't focus.

When my phone buzzes again I groan thinking it's the precinct and they need me again. Really? I just left there ten minutes ago. What else could they possibly need. It's from Alex.

No don't read it. Do not read it Casey it's bad. Why else would it take three hours to text you back if it was bad. That is a bad text do not read it. Then all your hopes will be crushed like a bug. No.

But what if it's good?

But what if it's bad?

My head needs to shut up. Whatever it is the outcome isn't going to change if I don't read the text message.

I unlock the phone scared out of my mind.

Please make it good news please make it good news. I think to myself over and over again.

_Look up._

What? I stressed over half a text. Seriously. That was stupid.

I put the phone down and a second text comes through.

_LOOK UP! _The message demands.

I look up and my view goes right to Alex's office door. But her door's open.

She's sitting at her desk she smiles at me.

Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! He said yes.

I run right over to her and hug her. I know I shouldn't but I can't help it.

"he said yes."

"mmhmm."

I screech.

"I start Monday, but I wanted to surprise you. We just have to keep it professional."

This day is better than Christmas I'm so happy right now. I want to kiss her, but that wouldn't be a very good start to proving to McCoy that Alex and I can be professional. I'm ecstatic right now.

As soon as we get home I push her against the wall and kiss her.

"well someone's happy." she says.

"you have no idea." I say tearing her shirt open.

We move to the bedroom and I get her onto the bed.

"Casey-"

Alex always wants to please me first, but not this time.

"no you did something for me now it's my turn." I say before kissing her hard on the lips.

She's the most amazing woman in the universe. I'm so lucky to have her. She made it so I don't have to miss her anymore.


	39. Chapter 39

**Author's Note: Hey everyone. I'm sorry I haven't updated. I started a new semester at school so I was ridiculously busy and needed a week to get things situated. Thank you for being patient I'll be updating more now that everything is in motion with school and everything. Thank you for reading and reviewing :) **

Ch. 39

Alex's POV

She's been in our room over an hour now. Finally I work up the courage to go in there and make sure she's okay. I really don't want her to get mad at me if I do, but I know I have to go in there and talk to her.

I don't blame her for feeling the way she does. I'd hate me too. She misses me probably more than I thought, and I feel horrible for doing this to her. I want to fix this and make it better. All I ever want is for her to be happy, and I hate myself for letting all this make her unhappy.

"Casey."

She's laying on the bed. It's clear she's been crying.

I climb onto the bed not caring if she yells at me to go away. I want her to feel better, and the only thing I can do right now is hold her and be close to her and love her.

"I love you." I kiss her cheek.

She tells me she misses me and my only reply is that I miss her too. I know it wont fix anything, but I want her to know that I miss her just as much as she misses me.

She turns over to face me.

"no Alex it's not even like I miss you. It hurts when you aren't here. I hurt when you're not here. Then when you are here it's just not like how it use to be and it makes me miss you more."

I need to fix this, but I don't know how to.

"talk to McCoy."

"I just need to know we at least tried. Please Alex."

I'll do anything for Casey. I love her, and all I ever want is for her to be happy. If talking to McCoy is what will make her happy then I need to do it, because if I let Casey be unhappy I won't be able to live with myself. She's just asking me to try, and after all this crap and blowing her off isn't it the least she deserves.

"okay."

She smiles and kisses me.

She's happy and that's how it should be. The only thing that scares me is the worst case scenario of telling McCoy about me and Casey and he says no. Then what? Casey promises to drop it, but I really don't want him to say no and then have everything turn sour. I couldn't handle if that happened. Even the thought of it terrifies me.

I call McCoy to set up the meeting. I'm nervous, but I have to do this for me and Casey.

Thursday afternoon is when I have the meeting. I have no idea how to tell him I'm with Casey and I want to come back and make it work. McCoy isn't one to bend rules, and I have a habit of bending one too many for his liking as well as Casey.

Waiting in the office my hands are shaking nervously. I'm not scared of McCoy. I'm just scared of the possibility of a bad outcome. If he does say no how am I going to tell that to Casey. She won't act upset, but she will be and I'll know it. He needs to say yes, because if I see Casey upset any longer I might just fall apart all together.

Never in my life have I been this terrified. Even my first time in a court room speaking in front of people. My stomach is tied in knots and there's a huge lump in my throat.

Just remember to breathe. Everything will be okay. Breathe in, breathe out, in, out.

I walk into McCoy's office. Even with the window shades open the dark wood on the walls still makes it feel small and dark. Almost as if I'm sitting in a box.

"well Ms. Cabot what can I do for you?" McCoy asks.

I can't find my voice.

Speak Alex. Just say something.

"I…"

My voice drags out.

Words make words. Good words. Convincing words.

"I- I- I want to come back."

"well that didn't exactly require a meeting. A called would have been enough. You start Monday."

"no sir I need to tell you something else."

"what might that be?"

"it's about Casey-"

"what about her?"

"it's about me and Casey. I was the one in the office she was seeing well is seeing. We're together sir."

He looks shocked as if that was the last thing he ever expected me to say.

He's silent for a moment. He's going to laugh and say no I can't have my job back here.

"you know I can't have you back here if you are with Ms. Novak."

"I know sir. I realize that, and that's why I left in the first place. I wanted to avoid conflict, but this is where I need to be. You were right. I haven't seen a courtroom since I've left, and I don't belong over there. I belong here. I know Casey and I are together and that can cause issues, but we have it worked out. When I was still here we had a separation of our personal and work lives. It's not easy, nor ideal, but we work well together."

"working well together isn't much of a good reason for me to give you your place back here. I have rules Ms. Cabot."

"and I respect them. I do, but I need to be here. This is where I belong. I belong here in SVU. I worked better with Casey than I have with anyone ever. Our conviction rate was up, everything got done. Before Casey came I- I was in a rut, and even before her and I were together she got me out of that rut, and now that I'm not here we're both in a rut. I don't get any cases, and she's not happy and soon it's going to start effecting her work."

"I'm sure if that's the case we can work something out Alexandra, but I don't think the solution is you and Casey working together. It doesn't work, and that's why I have that rule in place. You two are together and in that phase where you can't get enough of each other and everything's great. What about a year from now, or six months from now when you're seeing too much of each other. You'll l both start arguing and it will start effecting your work. Or worse you two break up and you'll want a transfer and I have no where to put you and the Special Victims Unit is being put on the back burner to your personal lives. I'm not having it. No."

"sir you're wrong. I will never tire of being with Casey, and there's no such thing as too much of Casey, not to me. I never have any intention of getting tired of working with and being around Casey. It's not just a phase sir it's love. Something I'm sure you're unfamiliar with. Is it hard sometimes working with someone I love? Yes sometimes it is, but you make things work. I make things work because I love her. She wants me here just as much as I want to be here. I can sit here and tell you that I'm top of my class Harvard graduate with a 75% conviction rate and that's why you need me, but no you need me because Casey needs me."

He sits silent.

"I should say no. There's rules Alexandra and just because Casey has some issue being away from you doesn't mean I should ignore them. They're in place for a reason."

He starts talking about what if Casey and I break up or fight and we bring it to work.

"you say now that you love her, but you don't know what tomorrow brings. You two could have a fight about socks and all the sudden you're both throwing cases because all you care about is a stupid fight."

"I love Casey and I would never leave her, especially on bad terms. I intend to be with her for the rest of my life and until she says other wise that is how it's going to be. Even if something does happen I will always love her. Bottom line is that we both understand that though working together isn't your ideal we know how to handle it. We did handle it, and well. We kept the work and home lives separate. The only reason you knew Casey was having a relationship was because of someone else. You didn't even know who because we separated personal and professional, and if you just give us a chance I can assure you we will be able to continue to work together and be together."

"alright. You may come back, but I'm warning you I see anything that I don't like or you start bringing home to work and you're both done here. Keep it professional. No kissing, anything like that. If I start seeing your work effected you'll be gone. Understood?"

"understood."

"you start Monday."

Oh my god. Casey's going to be so happy. Like ridiculously happy. I'm so excited. I want to scream and cheer, but I stay calm. I say goodbye to him and leave. I can't wait to tell Casey and see her face. She'll be so happy. I love when she's happy and I can't want.

I look at my phone and there's a text from Casey she had to go down to the precinct. Damn I really wanted to go surprise her.

I leave to get something to eat by myself. When I finish I go back to the office and she still isn't there, and the door is locked, so I go to my old… well new office. The door's unlocked so I go in there to wait.

Come on Casey I want to tell you the good news hurry your cute little butt and come back already.

I just want to see her face when I tell her. She'll be so happy.

Finally I see her. I'm about to get up when I decide to surprise her. I send her a text message. She takes the phone out of her bag and puts it on the desk. She doesn't even look at the text. She just stares at the phone as if she can will it to explode just by her looking at it. She looks a little mad. I hope she's okay.

Finally she look at the text and puts the phone down. I text her again and she reads the text right away.

She looks up and the brightest smile spreads across her face. She runs over to me and hugs me tightly. She screeches when I confirm McCoy said I could come back. She's so damn cute.

We get home and before I can even shut the door she kisses me hard on the lips.

"well someone's happy."

"you have no idea." she tears my shirt open making the buttons fly everywhere.

She gets us to the bedroom somehow. I was to focused on the heated wet kiss that happened. She pushes me onto the bed. I'm so turned on right now.

She gets me out of my skirt, and so starts our battle for dominance. I flip us over so I'm on top of her. I get her out of her clothes and we're both down to our bras and panties. She flips us back over and she hovers over me.

"careful eager beaver." she winks.

She kisses my neck biting down causing me to moan.

Her love bites and kisses continue down to my chest.

It is really difficult not to just have Casey right now. She's really working me up right now. Ever touch of her lips to my skin burns and makes all the heat go straight to my center.

"Casey." I finally manage to breathe.

My throat is dry from my raged breathing.

"alright eager beaver."

She has me sit up and flicks the clasp of my bra off. She pushes me back down and starts kissing my breasts and taking the buds in her mouth.

"oh god Casey." I arch into her.

Her thigh finds its way between my legs and a shock runs through me again and I try to get some pressure.

It feels like forever by the time she slides my panties down my legs. Her lips press my inner thighs and I moan for her. I want her touch everywhere at once. Her tongue finds my center and I'm shot into that sweet moment of just me and Casey.

I weave my fingers through her beautiful red locks. Her tongue is works its way inside my folds.

"oh god."

This is one hell of a thank you.

Her tongue moves up to my nerves and she slides her fingers inside me. I keep moaning out her name and I fly over the edge. She slowly laps up my release, then comes back up to kiss me. I taste myself on her lips.

"I love you." she whispers putting her forehead on mine.

"I love you more."

"impossible."

I flips us over.

"wanna bet?" I ask her.

I wake up the next morning holding a very happy Casey who's smiling when she wakes up.

"good morning." she smiles and leans up to kiss me.

"one last day." she says.

"then you get me back to yourself." I say.

"good because I don't like sharing you."

Just one more day and I'll never have to step in this horrible office ever again. I came to get my few things from my office and notify my DA of the transfer. I get that over with first then go to my small office.

I'm so glad I wont have to be in this cramped crappy office any longer listening to Maria, and I can have my big office with a very nice view of a very beautiful red head.

Maria seemed surprised I was leaving. I mean she treated me like crap why would I stay? Oh well I'll never have to deal with her again. Thank god. Maybe she'll get someone new who will make her miserable and do everything wrong?

Monday morning I was woken up by Casey kissing me.

"good morning." she says when I open my eyes.

"good morning to you too." I kiss her.

"any big plans today?"

"well I'm starting at this new office. There's another ADA I hope she's not silly and stuck up or a red head. God I can't stand red heads." I joke.

"mean." she tickles my side.

"and I really hope her name isn't Casey that's such a weird name." I say over the laughs.

"you love red heads named Casey admit it." she demanded.

"nope."

"admit it."

"alright alright. I don't love silly weird red heads named Casey. I love my silly red head Casey." I said.

"good otherwise you'd be in trouble."

I'm so excited to go back to work with Casey. I've missed it so much. Around noon time we get called to the precinct. So much for lunch with Casey. I offer to go so she can have the lunch break and relax.

I get to the precinct and everyone's surprised I'm back, but they greet me happily. Well everyone except Olivia who glares at me.

I'm so sorry your evil plan didn't work Olivia. NOT! I'm staying in Manhattan and with Casey. I'm with Casey we're happy and there's nothing you can do about it. She's mine and you get to sit in your apartment all alone being lonely alone. While I sit at home with my Casey loving her and being happy with her.

The entire time I'm there I just have to laugh in my head. She tried to break me and Casey apart and it didn't work. She must feel so stupid right now. Maybe now she'll realize that nothing will break us, and she'll give up, and move on. If she just left us alone and I never had to see her again everything would be perfect.


	40. Chapter 40

Ch. 40

Casey's POV

Seeing Alex sitting in that office again is an amazing relief. I love being able to look up and see her. I smile every time our eyes meet because I'm so happy that she's back and everything worked out. I'm so thankful she agreed to talk to McCoy. I don't know how much longer I could've handled her working late and never seeing her. Now we'll get to see each other and it wont be rushed.

She's been back two weeks now and it's the best thing that ever happened to our relationship. We go out all the time now, and stay rather active at home too. I'm pretty sure Alex is releasing all that pent up energy from her month working in the Bronx because she is rather energetic to put it in subtle terms.

We've barely gotten in the door and she's already kissing my neck. I'm not surprised though this is how our days usually end when we get home.

"you don't ever stop do you?" I ask with a giggle.

"you drive me crazy, and I have to sit in an office and look at you and try to behave myself. You have no idea what you do to me. What I want to do to you."

She tickles my neck with light nips.

Clearly she has no idea what she does to me.

"you are going to run me wild aren't you?"

"that's my intention yes." she kisses behind my ear.

My bag is on the floor next to the door. I can hear my phone ringing.

"Alex." I try to say, but end up moaning.

Her hands move down to my hips.

"Alex it's my phone."

"the phone can wait. I've been waiting all day for you." she husks into my ear.

The only person who ever calls me that isn't Alex or the precinct is my mother lately. Considering Alex is in front of me it's either work or my mother.

"Alex it might be work or my mom baby."

"alright fine, but if it's work we're not going in." she said.

"got it."

I shuffled through my purse and found my phone.

"hello."

"Casey." the voice chimed over the phone.

It was my cousin Jake.

We talked usually talked on the phone once a week. We were close like brother and sister given we were both only children. He knew about Alex and was very happy for me. I told him almost everything and he told me everything. He lived in Chicago with his fiancee Rachel. He worked as a high school history teacher and baseball coach, and she was also a teacher. We didn't see each other much except Christmas and Thanksgiving.

This past Thanksgiving he came home with Rachel and they announced their engagement. I was so happy for them both. They were perfect together. Their wedding was in three weeks as well.

We talked about work and how things were. I asked about the progress on the wedding.

"that's all her and her mom. Her mom said all I have to do is get a nice tux and show up." he laughed.

"you need to help your soon to be wife."

"of course I am I'm not a complete ass."

"so I called because I wanted to tell you you're bringing Alex to my wedding."

Crap. With everything lately I had completely forgotten the wedding and what was going on. I didn't know if I was comfortable bringing Alex. Not that I wouldn't want her to be my date of course I would, but I wanted to keep the family drama to a minimal and coming out to my mom might not be the best idea right now. I want to be there for my cousin at his wedding, and I'm sure he wants his aunt there too, but I doubt he wants us there ready to go at each others throats. We have enough of that without this.

"why?" I asked.

"because I want to meet her. I've heard so much about her and I want to meet her. Look I need to see you happy and something more than just a picture of you guys. Come on."

I got up and went into the bedroom.

"I can't just come out to her." I whispered.

"come on. It's been how long since you told me. She's your mom you need to tell her eventually. What are you going to do if you decide to marry Alex. What are you going to tell her when she realizes Alex is AlexandRA."

"I'm just not ready." I said.

"look Casey here's how I see it. Alex, from what you've told me, is the one for you. She's it. I think you owe it to her, and to your mom and to yourself to introduce them and tell your mom. Alex is an important and big part of your life now. If she's as special as you say she is she shouldn't be kept a secret like that."

"I know, but I don't want me and my mother to be arguing like that on your special day."

"so why not tell her before hand?"

I go silent. He's right, but I'm so afraid to tell my mom. This is pathetic I'm a grown ass woman who's perfectly capable of knowing what she wants in life and Alex is what I want in life. If my mom can't accept that it's her loss. Alex is the most amazing person in the world, and I think I've been a pretty okay daughter over the years. I mean I put up with all her belittling and as much of a disappointment she says I am I think I did okay. Better than some people.

"and if she can't accept you for who you are and Alex then I don't want her at my wedding." he said.

"Jake don't say that."

"no look Casey you're my sister pretty much, and I've got no problem with who you are. I love who you are. You're an amazing and strong person, and if she can't accept who you are then I can't accept her."

I agreed to finally tell her. After all this time. I'm scared to tell her. My mom can be awful to me sometimes, but if she doesn't accept me I'll be devastated. After all she is my mom.

Alex and I never really talk about my mom. She knows her and I aren't very close, but I never told her my mom doesn't know I'm gay. Nor does she know my mom is old fashioned Catholic and thinks homosexuality is the worst thing in the world second to murder maybe.

I sit her down on the couch tell her this and she looks sad. She had come out to her mom and her mom had been perfectly fine with it.

"do you want me to come with you when you tell her?"

I want her to, but I don't want my mother to freak out and scare Alex off, or say something to Alex to upset her. My mom can say some really mean things and that's the last thing I want to put Alex through right now.

"I love you Alex, but I need to do this by myself. My mom isn't the nicest person and I don't want her to do or say something to hurt you." I explained to her.

"Casey it's okay."

"no Alex it's not okay some of the things she says. I'll tell her I have a girlfriend and I'm happy, but meeting her right now might now be the greatest idea okay. If she can't accept who I am and our relationship then I don't think she deserves to know my amazing Alex." I kiss her.

"I really wish you'd let me come. I mean just for support."

"I'll be fine. I have you after all."

I straddle her waist and kiss her. I just want to get back to the activities that were unfolding before Jake called. Forget about the bubbling fear of telling my mother and all the possible scenarios going through my head.

The next day I call my mother and ask her if she'd want to do dinner or something this weekend.

"why?"

Love you too mom.

"because we haven't talked in a while."

She takes a breath.

"alright fine." she did not sound thrilled at all.

Ever since I had moved out we had talked on the phone a few times, but only a little bit. She probably was happy I was gone now. I took up her house for three years and she had to deal with me. I'm probably the last person she wants to see right now.

That Saturday I spend the day with Alex. I'm meeting my mother at 6:30 for dinner, so a little relaxing day in bed with Alex is just what I need.

"what's on your mind baby?" she asks.

I'm just looking up at the ceiling.

"I'm nervous." I huffed.

"I know sweetie. You'll get through it though. You know I'm here for you all the way right?"

"yeah I know."

"the offer's still up if you want me to go with you. I wont say anything I promise."

Alex makes me feel protected and safe, and I want her to go, but if my mom says something I don't know if I can let Alex hear it.

"I want to be there for you baby. If you say no I'll understand but if you want me there just say it and I will be."

"it's okay really. I'm a big girl. I can handle my mother."

"okay, but I'm here to talk after if you need."

I cuddle in closer to her.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Driving to dinner my hands are shaking. She's going to freak out I know it. She'll hate me and I'm in for one hell of a long lecture about my life choices and what a disappointment I am to her.

Just like the night I told her I lost my law license I feel sick. I want so bad to turn this car around drive home and hide in my bed with Alex.

You can do this Casey. You're strong and you have a big heart and if your mom is so caught up on who you choose to be with then she doesn't deserve to know you or Alex. Especially Alex. The last thing that Alex needs is to be near someone who makes her feel less than. She's had enough of that lately she doesn't need it from my mother too.

What do I even say? "hey mom I like chicks." or "hey mom Jake wants me to bring my girlfriend to the wedding so here I am." "I'm gay deal with it." where is the book that tells you how to do this because I'm pulling into the restaurant and I want to explode.

Of course she's here first. Let the crap begin.

I sit down offer her a smile and hey mom.

"where have you been. It's almost been ten minutes. If you needed to change times you should've called or something." she snarks.

And it's begun.

I'm just getting more nervous now. Am I really going to sit through an hour of this? I must for Alex.

"so how are you?" I ask.

"what is this dinner about did you lose your license again."

She starts ranting about how I can't keep from messing up, and there's no way in hell I'm moving back in with her. After that I tune her out like I have learned to over the three years living in her house.

Sometimes I wish my dad was still here. It was easier to talk to my mother when he was around.

"mom stop. No I didn't lose my license." I cut her off.

"oh. Then what?" she asks.

"mom there's something I need to tell you."

"okay." she drags the vowels.

Oh god no. No this is awful she's going to flip out in public. This was a bad idea.

"I started umm seeing someone." I start off.

"and?"

Don't most mothers gawk over their daughters dating life? Ask questions and get all giddy or did is that just in movies?

"her name is Alex."

"what?"

"her name is Alex mom. I- mom I'm gay." I stutter.

Her face turns bright red.

"oh don't be ridiculous." she laughs a little.

"I'm not mom. I like women, well a woman and **her** name is Alex."

"are you out of your mind Casey?"

And here we go.

I try really hard not to but my hands are shaking under the table.

"a woman. What is this some sort of phase? Lashing out because of the last three years of disappointment? Is that it?"

"no." I shake my head and look down.

"then what the hell is the reason for this?"

"It's who I am mom."

"absolutely not. No daughter of mine will live her life like this. Today it's women tomorrow what?"

"it's a woman and her name is Alex I love her and tomorrow I will still love her."

"is she paying you?"

"what no. I love her mom."

"are you trying to make some man jealous?"

"no mom. I love her."

"you think you love her."

"I don't think I know. I've known from the moment I met her that I love her, and she loves me something you are clearly incapable of."

"I do too love you and I refuse to watch you live your life in such a dirty way. I wanted you to get married to a nice man and give me grand babies. Not go and be with some woman who could never love you."

My chest feels tight and my stomach hurts. My eyes sting and I just want to run away.

"you do not love me in any sense of the word. I don't care how you feel about this because it's my life. I don't like men, and I'm not sorry. Alex is more for me than any man could ever be. As far as grandchildren go I can still have kids. Maybe not the conventional way like everyone else can, but I can still do it. Not that you'll see them if I do. You know what Alex loves me. She reminds me ever five fucking minutes she loves me and every single day she shows me."

"that's disgusting." she snarks.

Not intended like that.

I want to run, but I know I have to be an adult and push through this.

"you are living a terrible life Casey. You wont get anywhere with this woman."

"I will and I have. I've felt better in the last four and a half months than I have in probably my whole life. She makes me feel alive and I love her. Why can't you just accept that she's who I want to be with?" I have tears in my eyes.

"because it's wrong Casey. It's been that way since the beginning of time. It's in the bible for crying out loud."

"no it is not. When was the last time you even read a damn bible? You got that from a priest who's trying to shove beliefs down your throat."

"you'll go to hell Casey it's not right." she shakes her head.

"no I wont. Why would a God who is suppose to love me unconditionally and accept me for who I am send me there? For what loving someone and being happy? I can sleep at night knowing I'm with a woman. I don't care what you or some church has to say about that. I love Alex more than I could love anyone. I didn't come here to be persecuted by you. I came here to tell you because you are my mother and you deserve to know. Also because I love Alex and she's great and she does not deserve to be kept a secret."

"it's wrong Casey."

"you don't understand mom. It's right to me. I feel right with her. I feel awful without her. I fall apart without her. She's everything to me. I don't care what you or some church says I love her more than anything in the world and I want to be with her."

"absolutely not."

"what is it that you can't accept me?"

"I can't accept someone who decides to live their life in sin. It's wrong and frankly gross."

Screw being an adult.

"well I happen to think penis's are gross. Goodbye." I get up.

I barely make it to my car. I can't breathe and the tears are fogging my vision. I try really hard not to break down driving home. The distance from the car to the apartment door seems like the furthest I've ever walked. I fumble with the keys. Sniffling. Why do I have so many fucking keys?

The door opens and Alex is right there. She knows immediately and hugs me tight.

I feel like shit. My mother is wrong, but the fact that she as my mother can't accept me and my choices crushes my heart to a million pieces. I feel like I've been run over and left to dry.

"sh- she said it-t was wrong and- and g- gross and-"

"shh baby it's okay."

I don't know how long I cried and attempted to explain what my mother said over my tears.

I love Alex no matter what my mother says, but that doesn't mean what she said didn't hurt me. I always get crap for being with Alex. From Olivia, McCoy, my own mother. It's never going to change that fact that I love her, but honestly I just wish this hate would stop.

The next day I don't even want to get out of bed. Alex understands.

"do you need anything?" she asks me.

"no."

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Times like these I really wish my dad was still alive. When me and my mother would get into arguments or she'd say something he was always there to keep the peace and make me feel better.

I wonder what he would've said. He was never like my mother. He loved everyone without judgement. As long as they were happy he had no objection to how they lived their lives. Every time I went to him with something he always asked "are you happy?" if I said yes and he knew I was really happy he didn't have any more questions.

I can just imagine telling him about Alex.

_"does she make you happy?"_

_"that happiest I've ever been."_

_"I can't wait to meet her." _he would smile.

Even when I told both my parents I wanted to be a lawyer and my mother hated the idea my dad only cared if I was happy.

That's all I want is to be happy, and Alex gives me that. I just wish my mother could see that and accept it.


	41. Chapter 41

**Off Hiatus! Alright so I'm sorry about the hiatus, and leaving all of you hanging. I got really busy, and had no time for writing which was absolute torture, but I'm back now :D So please read, and review, and enjoy. **

Ch. 41

Alex's POV

Two weeks into my time at the DA's office and everything is perfect. I mean it's not exactly the same as before I left. Sadly no more lunch break make out sessions. I miss those, but Casey and I need to prove to McCoy that we can be professional. So far we're doing pretty good.

The work load isn't like it was before. She's working her own cases rather than being a team with me. I kind of wonder why she didn't upgrade her office. McCoy was perfectly willing to give her any office on this floor. I'm not one to complain though. I can still spend time distracted by her endless beauty. She's so cute when she works. I have to remind myself that I need to be professional and sit here gawking over my amazing girlfriend is probably not exactly professional.

We get home around 6 and all I want to do is ravish Casey. Being professional is harder than it looks especially when Casey is in my view for a better part of the day. It makes me want her even more. As soon as we get in the door my lips and teeth find her neck. This always gets her going.

"you don't ever stop do you?" she asks with a cute giggle.

"you drive me crazy, and I have to sit in an office and look at you and try to behave myself. You have no idea what you do to me. What I want to do to you." I say then nip her pulse point.

"you are going to run me wild aren't you?"

"that's my intention yes." I say as I move to kiss behind her ear.

"Alex." she moans.

I place my hands on her wonderful hips. I'm about to hook my fingers into her skirt when she says something about her phone. Then I register the annoying ringing. Seriously phone I was just about to have my Casey. You couldn't wait half an hour, or I don't know die.

"the phone can wait. I've been waiting all day for you." she husks into my ear.

She insists that it might be work, or her mother. Oh no I refuse to let her go into work tonight. A phone call whatever, but I am not not having Casey tonight.

After sitting and waiting during what seems like the longest phone conversation known to man, Casey comes out of our room. She looks distraught I get worried. She comes and sits next to me.

It was her cousin on the phone who is having a wedding in a few weeks, and he wants Casey to bring me, because he wants to meet me. Only problem her mother and a majority of her family doesn't know she's gay. We'd never talked about her mom much before, but I learn she's a strict Catholic. My blood runs cold. The thought that Casey's own mother would reject her because of the gender of who she love is just horrible.

When she tells me that she plans to tell her mother this weekend I get scared for her. I don't want this to be bad and I wish that I could save Casey any pain that her mothers views might inflict on her when she does tell her.

I offer to go, but she declines wanting to save me any pain her mom might cause me from the things she says. I don't care what that woman says to or calls me, but she's in for it if she hurts my Casey in any way.

"Casey it's okay."

"no Alex it's not okay some of the things she says. I'll tell her I have a girlfriend and I'm happy, but meeting her right now might now be the greatest idea okay. If she can't accept who I am and our relationship then I don't think she deserves to know my amazing Alex." she gives me a kiss.

I still don't like it. If I see Casey shed a single tear because of what her mother says that woman will have to deal with me, and I wont even try to be nice.

"I really wish you'd let me come. I mean just for support."

"I'll be fine. I have you after all." she smiles.

She doesn't say anything else and starts kissing me again. I worry about her and what her mom might say to her. I've never met the woman, but by the way Casey's talking I don't like this already.

I make sure to spend all of Saturday with Casey. She's meeting her mom for dinner at 6. I'm nervous and it's not even me. I can't imagine how Casey must be feeling. We were taking a break from our activities and she just laid on the bed looking at the ceiling, quiet. I just watch her for a minute before I ask what she's thinking about.

"I'm nervous."

"I know sweetie. You'll get through it though. You know I'm here for you all the way right?"

"yeah I know."

"the offer's still up if you want me to go with you. I wont say anything I promise. I want to be there for you baby. If you say no I'll understand but if you want me there just say it and I will be."

"it's okay really. I'm a big girl. I can handle my mother."

"okay, but I'm here to talk after if you need."

She wraps her arms around me and snuggles me.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

I don't want her to get hurt from this. I don't know her mom, and maybe I'm over reacting. My mom was never one to give a verbal tongue lashing at things like that, but coming out to her was the most terrifying experience of my life. She was fine with it and very happy for me, but I still had that fear of rejection from her. I don't know what I would've done had she not accepted it, or disowned me. I can't even imagine how scary this is for Casey knowing what she knows about her moms views on being gay. It's not like Casey is hurting anyone. She's just who she is, and she wants to be happy, and she's happy with me, and I just so happen to be a woman. I don't know why it should matter to Mrs. Novak what Casey does as long as she's happy. Nothing matters to me as long as Casey's happy.

I try to keep busy with some work and the tv while Casey's out, but it doesn't work. I'm anxious I want to know what happened so I can stop going into this dark part of my head where there's a worst case scenario. I have a bad feeling and I'm really trying not to.

It's been almost two hours and I've given up trying to distract myself I shut off the tv and I hear the jingling of keys and a sniffle. It's Casey I know it. I go and open the door and she's there fiddling with her keys. I pull her into a hug and shut the door. She breaks down and cries right into my shoulder. She tries to tell me what happened.

"sh- she said it-t was wrong and- and g- gross and-"

Enraged is an understatement right now, but I can't be mad at her mom right now. I can't lash out like I want to. Casey needs me now.

"shh baby it's okay."

I get her to lay down and I just hold her. She keeps crying and I don't know what to do to make her feel better. There is nothing to say in this situation. Nothing to change it. I just hold her and tell her I love her. I get so upset about her being upset that a few tears fall from my eyes, but I try and stay strong for Casey.

She falls asleep on me warn out from the crying. I don't sleep at all that night I just lay there with her head on my chest. The next morning I don't leave the bed until after she wakes up so I can take a shower.

"do you want me to stay?"

"no."

I give her some space and get in the shower. She hasn't gotten out of bed all morning. She's still in her clothes from yesterday. I offer to help her into some sweats. I grab the clothes and she puts them on and lays back down.

She's quiet and just lays there staring at nothing. This is all Mrs. Novak's fault. Why is it that she can say whatever she wants without a care and then Casey is left devastated and I'm left at a loss of what to do to fix it. I'd really like to know what she's doing while her daughter is here in tears because of something she said. She's lucky I don't know where she lives because I would really like to go over there and yell at her for hurting my Casey.

I knew Monday wasn't going to be good. Casey barely managed to get up and out the door on time. I told her she should stay home, and I would stay if she needed, but she refused.

"I need to move on." she told me.

She just sits at her desk head on her hand and she looks almost sick. Having her come to work was a bad idea. I should've stood my ground and said no. As hard as it is to say no to her I probably should've.

I ask her a few times if she wants to go home, but she says no.

Throughout the day I see the sadness in her eyes that I desperately want to fix. I want to hug her and cuddle with her and make her feel better.

By the end of the week Casey is somewhat back to normal at work. Home is a different story though. She's sad all the time, and cries almost everyday. It's little stuff that will set her off now. We sat down to watch a movie, and she went to make popcorn, it burnt which made her start crying. She doesn't really care about the popcorn, but she's just so distraught that everything is magnified. I try to talk to her about it, but she doesn't want to talk about it. Sometimes she even gets mad at me for bringing it up, or anything that sounds remotely like bringing it up even when I don't mean to.

"I love you no matter what." I tell her.

I tell her that all the time even before all this drama with her mother.

"I know alright I don't want to talk about it. Leave it." she growls.

I can't get mad at her, she's in a bad place right now, but it does make me sad when she does that.

My eyes start to water. No, I can't cry. She doesn't mean it. She loves me too. She's just upset right now. My breath is shaking. No! Not the crying breath. Stupid mouth, I told you not to do the crying breath, and now I'm crying. Great. Just what Casey needs. She turns over and looks at me alarmed.

"I'm sorry baby. I didn't mean to snap at you." she says calmly.

She hugs me tightly.

"I didn't mean it Alex. I love you so much."

"I love you too, but I don't like you being like this."

"I'm just angry."

"I'm just trying to help. I can't if you don't talk to me."

"I know Alex, but what are you going to do? You don't know my mom, and how she is. She's horrible. You were lucky. Your mom accepted you liking women. My mom, she'll never accept it, or like it, or ever want to talk to me again. She's awful, and everything, but she's my mom. She raised me. Doesn't that count for anything? I guess that means nothing to her. I'm just going to hell."

"You're right I don't know your mom, and I was lucky with my mom, but I still want to help you through this. That's what we're suppose to do be there for each other when things are bad, but I can't do that if you're getting angry with me."

"I just want her to understand, and accept I'm not changing to please her."

I listen to her well into the night. She's not asking for her mom to love her choices, but to just understand that this is who she is.

I don't know why it's such a big deal to Casey's mother. Casey is an amazing person. She's sweet, kind, beautiful, and has the biggest heart I've ever known. Her being with a woman doesn't change that. Wouldn't her mother rather Casey be this happy big hearted person, and be with a woman, than some spiteful heartless bitch with a man she doesn't love?

Yes I do have some bias obviously, but come on any sane person could agree with me. A person can only be the best they can when they find true happiness. Casey's true happiness is with me right now, and my true happiness is with Casey. We're each other's true happiness, and for Casey's mother to not only disagree, but hate that, and try to change it is ridiculous.


	42. Chapter 42

**Hello everyone. Here is Chapter 42. Please read, and review, and enjoy :) **

Ch. 42

Casey's POV

I hate myself right now. I shouldn't be getting angry at Alex. My mother's close mindedness isn't her fault.

She wants me to talk about it, and let her in, but I just don't want to talk about it. Thinking about it makes me want to scream, and throw things.

"I love you no matter what." she tells me.

I know she does, but it's not going to change the fact that my mother. The woman who carried me for nine months, held me as a baby, raised me to be who I am, hates me. She hates me. How can anyone hate their own child?

I snap at Alex, and I quickly regret it. I hear the crying sniffle, and turn over. Her face is sad. She's trying to hold it together to be strong for me, but I see that helplessness in her eyes.

My eyes drift off in the middle of talking to Alex about my mom. I wake up the next morning with my head on her chest, feeling much better than I did the night before. Like a weight has been lifted from me. Alex holds me in her arms. She stirs, and wakes up we smile at each other. She tilts her head giving me a long passionate good morning kiss.

"good morning."

I could never give this up not for my mother, or anyone, or anything. I love Alex, and I love being able to wake up every morning to her. She reminds me why I drag my butt out of bed, and keep going. I could never have that with anyone else. Alex is it. She's the love of my life.

I lean up, and kiss her again.

"good morning beautiful."

We keep kissing. Her tongue grazes the bottom of my lip. I let her in. We roll over, and she hovers over me. Our tongues entangle with one another. Her hand snakes under my t shirt, and cups my breast. Her knee presses up against my center. Arousal sparks through my entire body. Her lips move to my pulse point, and her teeth clench down gently. A moan escapes my lips.

"I love you." she whispers, and places a kiss just below my ear lobe.

She starts to move her kisses down my body.

"Alex." I moan.

I'm about to tell her how much I love her, but her kisses keep going down my body, and it's like my voice is paralyzed. All that comes out are moans. Our bodies entangle together. Every kiss, and touch feels like Alex touched every nerve in my body.

I lay spent with my head on Alex's chest.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"I really do love you. I don't say it enough. I'm sorry." I kiss her lips.

I'm happy again. I try not to think about my mother, and what she said. My focus is on Alex, and our relationship, well work too, but Alex is more fun, and beautiful to focus on.

Jake's wedding is in a week. I've gone back and forth debating whether or not I should bring Alex. She's left it up to me to decide. I want to bring her, but I don't want my mother to end up being there, and saying something awful to Alex, but at the same time I also know that last time I went alone I broke down. Maybe I'll get lucky, and my mother wont show, and Alex can meet the rest of my family.

Finally I decide I want to bring Alex. She's excited to go. We both request a few days off. The wedding is in Chicago at some fancy hotel.

I never liked flying on a plane. That mixed with the anxiety of my mother being there, or my entire family rejecting me, and ruining my cousins wedding, I'm a mess.

"baby are you okay?" Alex asks me.

We're sitting in the terminal waiting to board the plane.

"what if she's there?"

"You know I'd do anything for you Casey. I'll make sure she doesn't say anything to hurt you ever again. She'll have to get through me if she wants to say anything." she hugs me tightly.

The plane ride is long, and Alex falls asleep on my shoulder. How she can sleep thousands of feet in the air is beyond me. I wish she wasn't sleeping because I'm shaking.

It's fine Casey if this wasn't safe there wouldn't be airplanes relax. Alex wouldn't fall asleep if she thought something might happen right?

We get into Chicago on time. Jake is picking us up, and then we are going to get something to eat.

I haven't seen Jake since Christmas, we share a hug, and then I introduce him to Alex.

"it's so great to finally meet the famous Alex I've heard so much about."

Jake starts telling Alex embarrassing stories about me from when we were growing up. He's getting back at me for having sent Rachel pictures of him from high school.

I'm lost looking at Alex's for the better part of lunch though. Her body, her hair, the eyes behind those sexy glass, her full lips. God, I want them all over my body.

Alex excuses herself to the bathroom leaving Jake, and I alone.

"you're aware you've spent the entire lunch drooling over her right?" he asked.

"I am not."

"you stare at her with these googly eyes like some love sick teenager looking at her crush in math class."

"so what do you think?" I change the subject.

"I like her. You two are perfect together. You've never had that look with anyone else before."

"the love sick look?"

"well that too, but you look happy. Last time I saw you you looked well to put it lightly miserable. She makes you happy, and she loves you so much, so I approve."

I knew he would, but having him say that relieves me. I still have to tell my aunt, and uncle, his parents. Which I plan to do tonight at dinner with them.

Rachel joins us for dinner. Crap. If this does go bad I don't want her to be here for it. It's her wedding after all, and I don't want to stress her out. If it goes really bad I might just pack up, and leave. I don't want to ruin my cousins wedding. That's my biggest fear doing this now. Having my family disapprove, and making this about me coming out instead of Jake, and Rachel's wedding. I'm only doing it now because Jake wants Alex, and I here.

I remembered being terrified to tell Jake. He was the first person I told. I cried, but he hugged me, and told me it was okay. He had given me support for every relationship, and break up I've ever had, and that didn't stop after I told him. I was grateful to have at least one family member who didn't care who I loved based on their gender. Jake only cared that I was happy.

We met my aunt Cathy, and uncle Barry at the restaurant. My hands are all sweaty, and my head keeps telling me to run. I see my aunt reacting like my mother's, and wanting to cry. My aunt, though my mothers sister, is nothing like my mother. They're complete opposites. My aunt is Catholic, but she isn't a bitch like my mother is.

She smiles seeing me, and hugs me tightly.

"oh Casey honey it's been far too long."

Her voice gives me reassurance. She looks at Alex who's standing behind me. I give my uncle a quick hug.

I take Alex's hand.

"umm th- this is my aunt Cathy, and uncle Barry. Jakes mom, and dad-" I say to Alex.

My aunt still has a smile, but I'm scared as hell. Alex squeezes my hand reassuringly.

"this- this is Alex Cabot-"

Here goes nothing.

"my girlfriend." I spit it out.

"girlfriend?" she asks.

No no. Run Casey, you run for the hills. Shit this was a bad idea.

I give a small nod.

"nice to meet you Alex." she hugs Alex.

My uncle Barry hugs her as well.

Okay. That went better than I expected. No questions. No fighting. Please let it stay this way, and I will be the happiest woman on the earth. Well I have Alex, so even if they were total assholes about it I would still have Alex, and she alone makes me the happiest woman in the world. I guess if this stays all happy, and positive, that would make me the double happiest woman in the whole world. That's a lot of happy right there.

We sit down to dinner, and exchange the how are you's, and how was your trip over. I know it's just a matter of time before my aunt goes all nosey, and starts asking Alex about her whole life story.

"so how did you two meet?" Cathy asks us.

"work." I simply say.

"Casey, and I work in the same unit." Alex explained.

Cathy asks Alex a million questions.

I manage to turn the conversation to Rachel, and ask about the wedding.

One person can only take so many of aunt Cathy's questions, but Alex doesn't seem to mind it one bit.

She holds my hand under the table reassuring me.

My aunt, and uncle might be okay with Alex, which is the biggest relief, but I'm still a nervous wreck from it all.

I love Alex. She's the best thing that ever happened to me. I am over the moon that some of my family accepts me regardless of my being with a woman. I just wish my mother, and my father were here to share the joy of my cousins wedding, and my happiness with Alex.

The chair next to me is empty. Only a reminder that my mother probably isn't here because of me. No one says anything though. Not even my aunt. Maybe she already knew. Knowing my mother she probably called Cathy to complain about how out of line I am. Then probably went on that "it's just a phase" bullshit. The same shit she gave me when I announced I wanted to go to law school. Everyone else supported me but her.

At one point during dinner Cathy looked at Barry, and said how cute of a couple we are. Alex smiled so brightly. No one ever says that to us. That's really the first time anyone besides Jake has said that.

I snuggle up to Alex that night in bed. We're entangled in each other. Tonight reminded me of why I'm with Alex. It's right for me to be with her. No matter what a book says. I feel right, everyone else can see how much we love each other, and are meant to be with one another.

"are you feeling okay now?" Alex asks me kissing my head.

"yes. Relieved actually. Now we can go to the wedding, and it'll be okay, well assuming my mother doesn't show."

"even if she does it'll be okay. We wont give her the satisfaction of tip toeing around, and hoping she doesn't storm through. I don't want the rest of our life to be like that. If she has a problem with us then it's her loss."

"I knew there was a reason I love you." I kiss her.

Like I really need a reason, but things like that remind me of why I love Alex above and beyond that of anyone else. She doesn't take crap, and will keep me safe from the assholes that try to tear us apart. Nothing could ever get me away from Alex. If my mother is there tomorrow maybe it'll be smack in the face to tell her that no matter what she says I will still love Alex, and Alex will still love me.


	43. Chapter 43

Ch. 43

Alex's POV

I missed happy Casey. In the weeks leading up to the wedding everything gets back to normal. She's happy, I'm happy. Thankfully Olivia doesn't try to pull any crap, and McCoy leaves us be.

I've left it up to Casey whether, or not she wants me to go with her to the wedding. If she says no I'll be sad, but I'd also understand. I can't imagine how hard it is for her. She says her other family isn't as tightly wound as her mother, but she's still nervous that it could end badly. I really would like to go with her to the wedding in case something bad does happen, because I don't like the idea of Casey upset, and me not being there to comfort her, or kick some ass if I must. I really do hope her other family accepts her. Not because I feel threatened by them, or I'd love Casey any less, but for her sake I want them to be happy for her. No one besides her cousin, and his fiancee are ever happy for Casey being with me. I'm happy, but I don't think it's the same. She wants to have someone support her being in this relationship.

Casey decided she wants me to go with her to the wedding. I'm excited to go, and meet her cousin, and his fiancee. I just can't keep thinking of the rest of Casey's family rejecting her. It would break my heart even more for her. I don't think I'll ever get over the crap her mother has put her through in the last few weeks. They haven't spoken, but I know Casey still thinks about it. I don't think I realized how fortunate I was that my mother accepted me until now. I only wish she, and my dad still could've been here to meet Casey.

The few days before the wedding I know Casey is anxious about everything. I keep reassuring her that everything will be okay, and that no matter what I love her.

The day we leave for Chicago Casey's clearly nervous.

"baby are you okay?"

"what if she's there?"

"You know I'd do anything for you Casey. I'll make sure she doesn't say anything to hurt you ever again. She'll have to get through me if she wants to say anything." I hug her.

Casey shouldn't have to go through this. I'll be damned if I let her mother upset her anymore. No one treats her like that, and get away with it.

When we land in Chicago Casey's cousin is picking us up. I'm nervous to meet him, but he gives a warm smile when Casey introduces us. He has darker hair than Casey, but her same striking green eyes. They act more like brother, and sister than cousins.

He starts telling a story about Casey when she was little. How her first day of softball practice she threw a softball in the face of some girl she didn't like. Then about her in high school how she woke up late, and showed up in her pajamas. I liked this. Hearing about Casey when she was younger.

After lunch we go to our hotel, rest, and freshen up. Her aunt, and uncle will be at this dinner. I'm trying not to be nervous for Casey. She's a nervous wreck. I wish she wasn't so nervous, or I could do something to ease it, but this can't be easy for you. Especially after what her mother put her through. I would hope that Jake takes after his parents, and they are just as kind, and welcoming as he is. I also get to meet Jake's fiancee Rachel who already knows about Casey, and I.

Getting to the restaurant I stand my guard on Casey. Her aunt, and uncle greet her with warm hugs.

She introduces them to me. Cathy, and Barry. I smile.

If you two so much as say anything to upset Casey, or I even here the disappointed sigh, or sucking of your teeth I will feed you to Casey's idiot eating sharks.

I take hold of Casey's hand. I'm here for her if they say anything bad.

"this- this is Alex Cabot- my girlfriend." she stutters out.

"girlfriend?" the aunt asks her.

My grip on Casey's hand gets tighter.

Cathy doesn't seem angry, or anything, but I know how quick Casey's mood can change sometimes, and I'm not backing down until I'm sure this woman isn't going to hurt Casey.

Casey just nods.

"nice to meet you Alex." the woman surprises me with a hug.

There's no evil threatening whisper, or sarcasm in her voice. Her uncle hugs me as well.

Relief flashes over me, and Casey.

Her aunt is very nice. She asks me a lot of questions. How did we meet, am I from New York. This woman is probably worse than a detective shooting every question possible my way, but I don't mind it. They're not rude questions. Just curious ones, and I can tell by her voice that she means well.

Jake's fiancee Rachel is extremely nice as well. I'm happy for her, and Jake. Casey was right they do make an adorable couple.

At some point during the dinner Cathy noted how cute of a couple Casey, and I are. My heart leaped hearing that. With so many people constantly trying to bring our relationship down I completely forgot what it's like to have people supporting us, and thinking we're cute. I'm only expecting the worst I suppose. I'm really happy that Casey has some support from her family. Nothing will ever replace her mother, but even a little bit helps.

We get into bed, and I ask Casey if she's okay. I need to make sure everything is okay.

"yes. Relieved actually. Now we can go to the wedding, and it'll be okay, well assuming my mother doesn't show."

I don't want Casey to be scared of her mother like this.

"even if she does it'll be okay. We wont give her the satisfaction of tip toeing around, and hoping she doesn't storm through. I don't want the rest of our life to be like that. If she has a problem with us then it's her loss."

"I knew there was a reason I love you."

I love Casey, and her mother will always be a mother no matter how awful she might be, but I don't want Casey to be afraid of her mother showing up, and disapproving. If her mother is so hell bent on refusing to accept Casey, and being stubborn then that's her choice. I can't change her. However, if she shows up to the wedding, and starts saying things to hurt Casey, and ruin everyone else's time I will go off on her. Casey's biggest fear right now is her mother ruining her cousins wedding. I don't blame her. I'm scared of that too. Jake, and Rachel don't deserve to have their wedding ruined by Mrs. Novak.

I hope that if Mrs. Novak does decide to show up she can act adult enough, and leave Casey alone. As long as she keeps her distance, rude comments to herself I won't rip her stupid face off.

Casey looks beautiful in her dress for the wedding. I know it's Rachel's day, but I think Casey is the most beautiful woman at this wedding.

"I'm scared she'll be there Alex." Casey tears up.

"hey, hey. It's okay." I hug her.

"it's going to be okay baby. If she's there I promise I wont let her say anything to you. She's not going to hurt you again Casey. I promise." I kiss her.

I'd prefer Casey's mother not be there, but Casey is almost sure her mother will show up. Jake, and his parents haven't said anything about Casey's mother being here, so maybe she decided not to come. Even then I would've expected Cathy to say something along the lines of "oh I wish your mother was here Casey" "it's not the same without her" I don't know. I just hope she isn't here, so that the first time Casey's family see me is being ripped off Mrs. Novak, and taken away in handcuffs. That would be the worst first impression in the history of first impressions.

I take my seat with Casey on the grooms side. We sit in the second row behind Cathy, and Barry.

Watching Rachel walk down the isle she looks so happy. Her dress is beautiful. The look on Jakes eyes, like this is the moment he has waited his entire life for.

I wonder what it would be like to watch Casey walk down the isle in a beautiful wedding dress. She would probably be the most beautiful bride ever. She is the most beautiful person in all of creation, and a girl is most beautiful on her wedding day. I can only imagine how beautiful Casey would be. She's the most beautiful person in all of creation even in pajamas. Maybe one day I'll marry Casey. I can't see myself spending a single day without her.

The ceremony is beautiful. The vows are sweet, and heartfelt. So heartfelt Jake starts to tear up in the middle of his.

Every time I tell Casey I love her I almost break in a fit of happy tear I can't imagine what our wedding day would be like.

The reception after I stay close by Casey. There are a lot of people here. I guess she hasn't seen her mother yet.

After Jake and Rachel share their first dance everyone floods the dance floor. Casey takes my hand, and we dance.

"do you think we'll be as happy as them one day?" she asked me.

"happier."

"I'm sorry I've been debby downer lately. No more. I want to be happy."

"it's okay baby. You just focus on being happy."

I kiss her.

"ladies get a room." Jake jokes to us.

Casey slaps his arm playfully.

"may I cut in, and get a dance with my cousin?" Jake asks me.

"of course."

I don't want to stop dancing with Casey, but I let her go with Jake. I head over to get us something to drink. I get myself a soda, and whatever Casey's been drinking.

A woman approaches the bar, and asks for a glass of wine. She's sorter than me, and older, her blonde hair is up in a clip, and she has a fragrance of perfume, and wine around her.

"hello." she smiles.

"hi."

"I don't believe we've met are you a friend of Rachel's?" she asks.

"no umm. I'm Jake's cousin's girlfriend."

"Roxanne?" she asks.

I shake my head. Do I really look like a Roxanne?

"Samantha?"

"no Alex Cabot." I tell her.

Something about her smile changes.

"oh Casey's friend."

"girlfriend." I correct her.

"sorry." she apologizes.

"can I ask you something?" she asks me.

I don't get a chance to answer before she asks me.

"if someone breaks into your apartment how do you expect to protect Casey?"

"excuse me?"

Is she serious? Or just drunk. I hope she's just drunk.

"well you aren't exactly... well how do I put it. Tough looking. You're a toothpick, and a woman. How do you expect to protect Casey if someone was to break into your apartment one day, and tried to hurt her? Or is she the man in the relationship?"

Is she fucking kidding me? Who is she anyway?

"that is none of your business." I say taking the drinks from the bar tender.

"and for your information I protect Casey just fine regardless of my being a woman, or tough looking." I hiss at her.

I don't know who that woman is, but she better not come anywhere near Casey, or else she'll regret it. I'm angry, and I want to scream at this woman.

I can't find Casey in the mass of people, and I get nervous. Where is she? I can too protect Casey. If I could just find her. When I do find her all that raging anger in me sets aside. She's happy right now. I love seeing her happy. I wont let that woman ruin this happiness Casey, and I have right now. Casey doesn't need that especially since she stopped worrying if her mother was here.

She sees me, and her face lights up, and her smile gets bigger. I love her more than anything. I love when she's happy like this. Sometimes it's hard for us to be this happy with everything going on, and other people trying to wreck our relationship. I always want Casey to be this happy.

After the wedding reception Jake, and Rachel leave to go get ready for their honeymoon.

"it was so nice to meet you." Jake hugs me.

"it was nice to meet you too."

"You make her happy. Just take care of her for me."

"I will."

"thank you for coming Alex I hope we can come visit sometime." Rachel hugs me.

"I hope so too."

"don't have too much fun." Casey says to Jake.

"no promises." he calls out before getting in the car.

"speaking of fun. Do you want to go have our own fun?" she asks me.

We run to the elevator like teenagers who just said goodbye to her parents, and have the house to ourselves for the weekend.

We get in the elevator, and I can't help but kiss her.

I wonder what our wedding will be like. How beautiful Casey will be. What the wedding night, and honeymoon will be like. I'd give Casey her perfect wedding. If she wanted it to be big I'd make sure of it, or if she wanted a small wedding I'd still make it the best most special day of her life. I'd take her on the most romantic honeymoon. Somewhere nice. I wonder where she'd want to have our wedding, and honeymoon. And I'm forgetting the most important thing. If she'd even say yes if I did propose to her. I don't even know how I'd propose to her. What if she said yes? I'd be the happiest person in the whole world. But she could say no.

Relax Alex it's not like you're proposing soon. Right? Do I want to propose? One day yeah of course. I don't even know if Casey wants to get married. Maybe she doesn't like the idea of marriage. Some people don't. I'd be okay if she didn't want to get married. I want to marry her, but if she doesn't want to I would be okay I guess. Would she think we were going to fast if I proposed to her soon? I'd marry Casey today if I could, but maybe she doesn't feel that way.

"Alex." Casey brings me out of my thoughts.

I'm holding myself above her on the bed. Our dresses are off, and on the floor somewhere.

"what are you thinking about?" she asks.

"just how beautiful you are, and how much I love you." I kiss her on the lips.


	44. Chapter 44

**I apologize for the long wait with the update i kept going back and forth changing things, and what not, but here it is. Again apologies for the long wait. Thank you all of you guys for reading, and the wonderful reviews. Enjoy :)**

Ch. 44

Casey's POV

Alex is stunning in her dress the day of the wedding. I'm so happy I brought her to meet my family. Jake and Rachel love her, my aunt absolutely adores her. They probably like her more than me, but I don't blame them. Alex is the most amazing, beautiful person in the whole world. You'd have to be blind, or stupid to not see that. Olivia stupid, McCoy stupid, and blind probably since he's old, Maria a fucking idiot, my mother blinded by ridiculousness, and stupid as a result.

The wedding is beautiful. Both Jake, and Rachel look happier than I've ever seen them. The way Jake looks at Rachel the whole day is like a look I've only ever seen in those cheesy romantic movies. I'd probably drool a lake if Alex, and I ever had a wedding. She'd look beautiful in a wedding dress.

I'm lost thinking what Alex would look like in a wedding dress. By the time I'm snapped out of my daydream the vows are almost over.

Dancing with Alex I get lost in her beautiful blue eyes. She's so beautiful to look at, and puts me in this dreamy trance. Her smile so bright I can't help but smile when she does. Just looking at her makes me all warm, and fuzzy, and fluttery inside. She gives me a kiss on the lips, and it's like a surge of electricity shoots through my body.

In the moment of our electric kiss Jake cuts in, and Alex goes off the dance floor. No wait Alex. I'm sad when I see her walking away.

"you are so in love. Can you please stop checking out her ass for like ten seconds." Jake jokes as he dances with me.

"you're a jack ass. I was not."

"sure you weren't."

So what if I was. I can look at Alex's butt.

"I'm glad you brought her though. She's great for you. She loves you a lot I see that."

"oh?"

"I mean you guys drool over one another enough. You aren't exactly subtle about it."

"I do not drool."

"believe what you want Casey I know what I see. You drooling, and undressing her with your eyes."

"I do not!"

"denial."

I wanted to ask him if my mother was here. I hadn't seen her yet, and honestly forgot all about her. I was just so focused on the wedding, and Alex. I don't ask him though, because I'd rather not know. I haven't seen her, and no one has said anything, so I am perfectly comfortable believing she isn't here. Oh, but what if she is here, and Alex sees her.

I start to look around for Alex. When I see her, and our eyes meet I smile automatically.

Nothing will ever make me happier than seeing Alex, well except when she holds me. Like when we're sleeping, and I lay my head right on her chest, and can hear her heart beating. I feel so warm, and safe when her arms are around me. I forget about everything bad when she's near me. All that matters is me, and her. We're in a sea of people, but all I can see, or care about right now is being happy with Alex.

The night ends perfectly. Rachel, and Jake leave for their honeymoon, my mother didn't show her face, and now I'm in bed with Alex. We're just looking in her each others eyes. It's quiet, but the good kind of quiet. She's lost in thought. I can tell. I kiss her lips.

"you've been thinking all night." I say when our lips separate.

"you're beautiful."

I giggle a little bit.

"what are you thinking about?"

"I told you. How beautiful you are."

"baby tell me." I nudge her leg with my foot.

I love knowing what's on Alex's mind.

"nothing really. I- I just hope I can always make you happy." she says.

"you don't have anything to worry about. You make me the happiest I've been in my whole life. As long as I have you I'll never be sad. No matter what we go through you will always make me happy, and I will always love you."

She smiles brightly, and I can't help but smile back.

"you're the best most beautiful, and sweetest girlfriend in the entire world and-" she stops herself.

"and what?"

She looks in my eyes.

"nothing."

"tell me." I poke her hip.

She giggles, and then kisses me. We end up getting distracted, and she doesn't tell me what that nothing was.

Our late night antics means sleeping in all morning.

That afternoon we are going out with Cathy. She wants to spend more time with us, and get to know Alex some more. I don't know how much more she could know about Alex, she's already asked her every possible question there is.

We sit down to lunch, and Cathy fires more questions at Alex. Talking about every possible thing she can. Where did she go to school. What made her want to be a prosecutor. Is she a natural blonde. Her favorite flavor of ice cream. I can't help but laugh at all the questions.

This is how my mother should be acting instead of a close minded bitch. She should be fussing over me, and Alex's relationship. Asking Alex all these silly questions.

"oh Casey you're mom's here." Cathy suddenly says.

I feel fear flood my body. I'm terrified. I thought she hadn't bothered to show up at the wedding. No one said anything about her being here. Well then again I didn't ask. They must've assumed I knew she was here.

"Susan over here." Cathy calls out with a smile.

Oh my god no. Alex is here, and my aunt. No! I hate conflict with my mother especially around other people. If it's just us two fine. I still don't like it, but it's better than having my aunt, who's over joyed about Alex and I, and Alex.

This needs to be a nightmare. I want to wake up, and be in bed in Alex's arms safe, and sound. I lean towards the inside of the booth where Alex is sitting. I want to hide with her, and be safe.

I see her. My mother. The woman who called me out, and rejects me for being with a woman. Alex is holding my hand tight.

Wake up! Wake up Casey! Damn it! You're in bed with Alex. She's holding you. This is just a nightmare.

"I didn't realize we'd be having company." she says.

I hear Alex take in a sharp breath upon seeing my mother.

Wake up!

I want to leave. I want to go home.

My chest is tight. I can't breathe. My heart is pounding as if it wants to beat out of my chest. My palms are sweaty, and my stomach feels like it wants to explode.

She sits down across from me. She hasn't looked up yet. Alex is glaring at her intensely. As if she can scare her off with just a look. I hope she can. Alex's glares can be pretty frightening even if she's not giving it directly to you. Cathy is busy looking over the menu, so she doesn't notice.

My mother finishes fiddling with her bag looking for her glasses, and looks up. First at me then at Alex. It's suddenly quiet.

"oh." is all she can say.

Oh? She has the nerve to just show up, and al she can say is oh.

"mother." I hiss through my teeth.

She ignores me, and opens her menu.

I turn to look at Alex. She's still glaring at her.

Cathy must pick up on the tension because she looks up. Alex's glare moves to the menu.

"what are you girls getting?" she asks.

"ummm I'm not hungry." I mumble.

"you need to eat something baby. At least share a salad with me." Alex tells me.

I hear a snort from my mother. She keeps a look at her menu.

"wow Casey I guess you have changed. You've never been one to pass up a meal." my mother says.

"excuse me?" I ask her.

"a salad? Really? If you're going to share with her at least get her a real meal." my mother snarks at Alex.

"Susan is everything okay?" Cathy finally asks.

"I just want to make sure my baby eats." my mother says with a shit eating grin.

Alex's grip on my hand is tighter.

"she eats fine." Alex almost growls.

Alex is two seconds away from leaping over the table I know it.

"disgusting. I don't need to hear any of that." my mother says in a disgusted tone.

I want to cry my eyes out. I feel awful right now.

"Susan enough. If she's not hungry, or just wants some of Alex's salad that's fine." Cathy says.

I love Cathy, she's the best, but sometimes she's not quick to pick up on underlying issues. She gets up to go to the bathroom. Crap. At least my mother has to sort of behave around her.

"yes "salad."" she puts air quotes, and picks up her menu.

Alex puts her hand on the menu to gain her attention.

Oh god.

"enough." Alex brings up her serious lawyer tone.

She rips her menu from under Alex's finger tips.

"get those hands away from me."

"mom stop it. You're being horrible." I finally speak up.

"I would be fine if you hadn't have brought... that." she refers to Alex.

"excuse you, but she was invited."

"I never invited that to lunch."

"she's not a thing mom, she's a person, an important person, my girlfriend." I shriek.

"don't be ridiculous Casey. Oh, by the way I met a lovely man at work the other day. I think you two should set something up. He's just the most handsome man. Good genes, strong body. He could protect you." she gives a side glance to Alex.

"stop it. Casey is with me." Alex hisses at her.

"I'm with Alex I love her, and she protects me just fine. Why the hell can't you accept that?"

"this is wrong honey. You need to grow up, and get out of whatever phase you're going through. You need to get married to a nice man, have kids, and what can that give you? A fake marriage, and a baby from a turkey baster. She'd just be what? a babysitter?"

Tear stream from my eyes.

When I get married to Alex it'll be just as real as any other marriage. Maybe even more real because we love each other more than anything in this world, and nothing could ever break us up. Even my mother.

"mother there is one thing you need to know. Alex. I love her more than anything in the entire world. I can't even express in words how much I love her. Not only that she loves me too. It doesn't matter what you, or anyone else tries to do I will always love her. You can sit there, and wave a book in my face telling me it's wrong, but it's not. Love like this is not wrong. Happiness is not wrong. I've never been happier than when I'm with Alex. If you can't handle that, and get over this then I don't even want you to be my mother."

"Casey do not cause a scene. You are an adult for crying out loud. I am your mother, and that's never going to change, nor is the fact that this is wrong. That can never give you what a man could, love you the way a man could."

"lets go." Alex nudges me.

I slide out of the booth keeping a tight grip on Alex's hand. I've probably broken her hand I've been holding it so tight.

"excuse you what on earth are you doing with my daughter? She'll leave when she's ready." she demands from Alex.

"this is me protecting her." Alex growls at her.

We get back to the hotel, and I break down crying. I was finally okay, and she just appeared. I'm trying to get my stuff together, so we can leave early. I just want to go home.

"it's not okay. Nothing is ever going to be okay. She's just going to be awful forever, and- and." I mumble to myself over my sobs.

"shhh baby." Alex takes my hands from the suitcase, and hugs me kissing my head.

"I'm so- so sorry."

"it's not your fault baby. I'm sorry."

I feel safe with Alex, but I'd feel safer going home.

"can we just go home."

"of course baby.

I text Cathy before we board the plane, and tell her we're going home, and how sorry I am. I feel like this was all my fault. Alex didn't deserve all that shit from my mom, and that's why I never wanted her, and my mother to meet. She didn't even treat her like a person. She called her a "that" I mean who the hell does that? Alex is a person, a human being. She's the most wonderful person in the whole world. I can't believe I allowed my own mother to treat her like dirt. I should've hit her, or screamed at her. I've never felt so small in my life than right now. I keep apologizing to Alex.

"it's not your fault." she tells me.

I'm probably annoying her right now, but I can't apologize enough. I stay silent, and rest my head on her shoulder.

I hate this. Why can't we ever be happy? Why does it never last long enough to become normal. I mean I am happy with Alex of course. We love each other more than anything, and she makes me happier than I've ever been. But why is it that we're so happy, and yet something is always trying to force us apart? There's always something, or someone trying to separate us. Olivia, work, McCoy, my mother. I just want us to have a normal relationship, and be happy, and is it too much to ask that maybe other people are happy for us too? My girlfriend is the most beautiful, loving woman in the whole world. She loves me, and I love her, I shouldn't be shedding a tear ever. I should be smiling all the time, but no one will let us be happy.

I want people to ask how Alex, and I are doing, not give me a dirty look every time I walk by them. To whisper to one another in the break room about us as if we don't know. Sabotage our relationship by planting thoughts in our head, or say awful things to our face. Why does everyone else have to step on our happiness. Everything was fine at the wedding, and after. Then my mother pops out of no where, and I let her treat my Alex like shit. I should've done something to stop her, but I couldn't. I couldn't breathe, or move.

We don't get to the apartment until late.

"I love you very much baby."

"I'm sorry I didn't say anything to her. I froze. I'm sorry."

I don't like that Alex has to spend all this time comforting me, and seeing me cry. It's better than her ignoring the problem, but I don't want her to start thinking I'm some sort of cry baby because I'm not.

"Casey look at me."

I look into her wonderful blue eyes. God those eyes. I love looking into them. She's so beautiful.

"what she did is not your fault. It's hers. She decided to act like a child, and speak that way."

"I should've said something."

"Casey regardless of you saying anything she shouldn't have said those things to you."

"but she doesn't even know you. I don't care what she says about me."

"I do. I care what people say about you. I love you very much, and you deserve so much better."

"I don't ever want to see her ever again." I declare.

I mean that too. Like Alex said we shouldn't have to tip toe through life wondering when she's going to storm through. I don't want negative people in our life together. Alex would still love me no matter what I do. Her love is unconditional. I've never had that with anyone, and no one has ever made me happier than she has in these past few months. My mom only loves me if I want to marry some handsome man, give her grand babies, and he'll work while I take the kids to soccer, and cook dinner. That's not the life I want though. I want to be with Alex, and work, and see what our future holds. She can't accept that though, and doesn't love me.

"It doesn't matter what she says I can never believe she loves me, or ever has." I tell Alex.

"I hope I don't end up like her." I suddenly think out loud.

Two days later I was at the office. Alex has court today.

I've stopped being sad about my mom. It's not worth it anymore to be sad about it. I can't change her just like she can't change me. Alex doesn't deserve to be drying my tears 24/7 either. She still asks if I'm okay. As long as I'm with her I am. She makes everything in life so much more bearable. There was a reason I waited to tell my mother. I probably would've completely fallen apart if I was alone in all this.

A knock on the door brings me out of my thoughts.

"Cathy." I say happily, and get out of my chair to hug her.

She sits down in front of my desk.

"we need to talk. I was wondering if you had a break anytime soon? If you, and Alex don't have any plans already. We could grab something, and talk." she says.

"oh no I don't have plans. Alex actually has court. I just need to go do one thing, and we can go." I tell her.

I get up, and go give the files to the secretary so she can send them to McCoy.

I already know what Cathy wants to talk about. She doesn't sound mad, but concerned. I don't blame her we disappeared at lunch. I kind of feel like crap for just leaving her with a text.

When I get back to the office Cathy is looking at the picture on my desk of me, and Alex. She has a smile on her face.

"ready?" I ask her.

We walk to the restaurant, and take a seat across from one another.

"it's been a while since I've been in the city. I hope you don't mind my dropping by." she says.

"no it's fine the day's been slow without Alex." I tell her.

"well we never got a chance to talk after you left Chicago."

"I know I'm sorry. It had nothing to do with you, and I-"

"Casey relax honey. You have no reason to say you're sorry. I'm sorry."

"but-"

"listen to me. I didn't know what had happened between you, and your mother. I'm sorry I didn't see it the moment she sat down. I'm sorry I allowed her to the wedding. Jake told me he didn't want her there, and I thought he was just being ridiculous. I understand though, and I'm sorry you, and Alex had to go through that."

"what did she tell you?"

"well I called Jake after you left, and he told me what happened a few weeks back with your mother. Honey why didn't you tell me?"

"I didn't think she'd be there. I didn't see her at the wedding, so I thought she just didn't show up, so it didn't matter."

"well what's done is done. I told her to leave you, and Alex alone. I hope you don't mind."

"you didn't have to-"

"no she needed to be told she's wrong. You and Alex are an adorable couple. I see the way she looks at you, and the way you at her. That's love. Love that only a few are lucky enough to find. I don't care if Alex is a woman. That would be like caring if she has blonde hair. As long as she loves you, and treats you right I have no objections. You're both in love, and you should be happy. You deserve to be happy. I want you two to be happy."

All I can do is smile.

"me, and your uncle we support you no matter what, and if Alex is who you love, and are happy with who are we to say different, or anyone else for that matter. You love who you love. Don't mind anyone else who says different. You know who you love, and that's Alex, anyone who doesn't like that to hell with them." she says.

"why can't my mom just accept that this is who I am, and Alex is who I want to be with?" I ask her.

"I don't know honey. I wish she wasn't, and I'm never going to be your mom, but I will always be here for you, because I would regret missing out on what a great person you are. Alex is good. She loves you. Hold onto her, because that kind of love it comes once in a life time. Don't let your mother's stupidity ruin that for you two."

At least I have some people who support Alex, and I. It's better than having no one I guess.


	45. Chapter 45

Ch. 45

Alex's POV

I haven't told Casey about the blonde woman at the wedding. I don't want to upset her. As long as that woman stays away from Casey everything is okay. I'm a little bothered by what she said. Sure I could protect Casey. Not that I'd ever really have to. We live in a safe apartment, and neighborhood, and everything, but if worse came to worse, and someone did try to hurt Casey I could protect her I think. I'm no body builder, but I would never let anything happen to Casey. I'd rather have every bone in my body broken, than have her get hurt in any way.

Cathy invites us to lunch. I'm happy to go with Casey.

I'm excited that Cathy likes me, but more than that I'm excited she's accepting Casey. That's all that really mattered to me, but her liking me is an added bonus. I can't help but grin every time she comments on how adorable Casey, and I are together. This is what Casey needs support. Everyone is always dragging her through the mud. It's a nice ray of sunshine having her aunt, uncle, and cousin being so supportive of her.

I came to the lunch prepared to answer more of Cathy's random questions. She's so happy for Casey. I love it. I can't get over how excited I am at how happy she is for Casey, and I.

We're about to order when Cathy stops talking, and sees someone entering the restaurant. When she says it's Casey's mom I almost want to get up, and keep her from even looking at Casey.

I put up my guard ready to protect Casey. She looks like she's trying to hold back tears. No I wont let her mother make her cry anymore. If I see a single tear we are leaving.

She comes up, and I recognize her from yesterday at the wedding. She was the woman that questioned how I could protect Casey. The nerve of that woman. She can go on, and on about how wrong Casey, and I being together is, but she didn't even tell me she was Casey's mother. Who does that? She's lucky I don't knock her teeth out of her face, and show her how good I am at protecting Casey.

She hasn't looked up yet.

Stupid ignorant woman. You're lucky Casey, and Cathy are here. I wouldn't want to upset Casey further, or leave Cathy with a bad impression of me.

I hold Casey's hand tightly. I wont let this woman hurt Casey.

She looks up finally. The color leaves her face. Good. Be scared.

"oh." is all she mutters.

I keep shifting my glance from her to Casey making sure she keeps her shit to herself, and that Casey is okay.

Casey acknowledges her, but her mother doesn't even respond. Watch her do something. I'm going to freak out on her. I will kill for Casey, even her mother. Just give me a reason.

Cathy looks up. I move my gaze down to the menu. I don't want to get her upset.

"what are you girls getting?" she asks.

"ummm I'm not hungry." Casey's voice shakes.

No I'm not letting her get upset like this. She doesn't eat when she's upset. I don't want Casey upset.

"you need to eat something baby. At least share a salad with me." I tell her.

There's a laugh that comes from her mother. She starts to comment on Casey changing, and that a salad isn't a meal. What does she care. She gave up having any ounce of an opinion the moment she started making Casey feel like shit for doing what makes her happy.

I keep a tight grip on Casey's hand.

"I just want to make sure my baby eats."

"she eats fine." I hiss at her.

I hate this woman. She wants to sit here, and insult my relationship with Casey, but she still wants to be all "motherly" towards Casey. Absolutely not. She needs to pick one her stupid close minded opinions, or her daughter. You'd think she'd be smart enough to pick her beautiful, caring daughter, but no she's instead stands behind stupidity.

"disgusting. I don't need to hear any of that."

I didn't mean it like that you stupid hag. I want to say to her. Casey's grip tightens on my hand.

I wont let her hurt you Casey. I love you, and I wont let her upset you.

"Susan enough. If she's not hungry, or just wants some of Alex's salad that's fine."

Cathy is wonderful. I don't know if she knows what happened between Casey, and her mother. Probably not. Cathy seems like the kind of person who would back Casey no matter what her sister says.

I want to rip Susan's throat out of her neck when she makes another sarcastic comment. This needs to end.

Oh god Alex do not use the table to hurt her.

I grab her attention.

"enough."

I wanted to say something more along the lines of shut up you fucking idiot. Casey is happy. You are just too miserable to allow her that happiness.

Casey begs her mother to stop being horrible.

"I would be fine if you hadn't have brought... that." she wrinkles her nose, and give me a side glance.

Cool it Alex for Casey.

"excuse you, but she was invited."

"I never invited that to lunch."

"she's not a thing mom, she's a person, an important person, my girlfriend." I hear a crack in Casey's voice.

I whip my head to make sure she isn't crying. She isn't thankfully. I don't want her to cry. I hate it when she's anything but happy.

Susan starts trying to strike up conversation with Casey about some guy she met at work who would be able to protect her. This woman has a death wish.

"I'm with Alex I love her, and she protects me just fine. Why the hell can't you accept that?"

Well as long as Casey feels I can keep her safe I'm not bothered by this woman questioning me. At the end of the day Casey matters more than this woman's dumb ass opinion.

"You need to get married to a nice man, have kids, and what can that give you? A fake marriage, and a baby from a turkey baster. She'd just be what? a babysitter?"

I can marry Casey. Our marriage wouldn't be fake. I don't know what she's talking about it would too be very real. We would have a beautiful wedding. I would give Casey the most beautiful ring, and let her have whatever wedding she wanted. How dare she call it fake. A baby from a turkey baster? A babysitter? Absolutely not. I would be our children's mother just as much as Casey would be. I would love them just the same whether I birth them, or she does. Either way it doesn't matter. I would be their mother. I would raise them, pick them up when they fall down. Support them when they find someone they love regardless of gender, race, or any of that stuff. Not this so called parenting she's doing.

I look over, and see a tear fall onto Casey's cheek. We're leaving I've had it. I should've never let it go this far.

Casey starts to tell her mother off, and tell her that she loves me, and nothing she, or anyone else says will change that. She's right nothing will ever change how much I love Casey, or Casey loves me.

"Casey do not cause a scene. You are an adult for crying out loud. I am your mother, and that's never going to change, nor is the fact that this is wrong. That can never give you what a man could, love you the way a man could."

More tears. No. We're going. I nudge Casey keeping a hold on her hand. She slides out of the booth. I'm taking her away from this awful woman.

"excuse you what on earth are you doing with my daughter? She'll leave when she's ready." Susan gets up.

"this is me protecting her." I snap at her earning me a few head turns from others in the restaurant.

We make it out thankfully. I had to get away from that woman before I slit her throat. I should've had Casey, and I leave earlier. She's crying now, and I feel horrible for allowing it to happen.

"I want to go home." Casey tells me when we get back to the hotel.

I don't blame her for wanting to go home. I wish she would just sit, and relax. Now she's packing, and making herself more upset.

I hug her tightly to comfort her. She cries on my shoulder. I want to cry to, but I have to be strong for her right now.

During the plane ride I keep asking her if she's okay. She keeps apologizing. It's not her fault her mother is such a bitch. I should be apologizing because I didn't have us leave as soon as I sensed trouble. I should've told Casey about seeing her at the wedding, but I thought nothing of it, because I didn't know who she was. I just wanted Casey to stay happy during this trip.

This time there are no long bouts of crying from Casey. She doesn't lash out thankfully. I hated when she would do that, because that wasn't her. That wasn't my Casey.

I have court, so I don't see Casey all day. Normally we're okay on days one of us has court, but after everything with Susan I don't like leaving Casey alone.

I'm late getting out, and when I get home I hear laughter from the living room. I'm surprised to see Cathy sitting on the couch with Casey. She's smiling, and laughing. Nothing makes me happier than seeing her happy.

"Alex." Casey says excitedly.

She gets up, and runs over to me, and kisses me on the lips.

"Casey may I talk to Alex for a second?" Cathy asks.

She goes into the other room.

"I am so sorry for what my sister said to you."

"it's not your fault."

"you deserve a big apology. No one deserves that. If I had known I would've never allowed her at the wedding."

"how could you have known. Really it's fine."

"is she okay?" she whispers.

"she's getting better."

"good. I know that when she gets upset she gets kind of testy."

"besides all that with Susan I never got to tell you how great it was meeting you. You really are good for her. There's just something about her that's different now, and I know it's because of you. She's happier, a lot happier than I've ever seen her. The way she talks about you I can tell that's she's in love with you, and the way you look at her I know you're in love with her too. Don't ever let anyone get in the way of that, or say otherwise okay."

She pulls me into a hug. One of those warm motherly hugs I've kind of missed since I'd lost my mom.

Casey comes back out, and says goodbye to Cathy.

"god, I can't get over how absolutely adorable the two of you are. If you need me for anything I'm just a phone call away."

I still think that Susan should apologize to Casey, but just having Cathy's support makes everything a lot easier to handle.

My biggest fear had always been making Casey unhappy, or holding her back. After what Cathy said I can put my fear to ease. Casey always said that I made her happy, and made her a better Casey Novak, but to have Cathy notice that just fills me with butterflies. All I ever want to do is make Casey happy, and I am. The people who bring us down, and make her sad are nothing to us. We're going to always have people who want to break us up, or just hate our guts. As long as I have Casey none of them will ever even phase me.

After Cathy's visit it's as if she left some sort of force field around Casey, and I. No one bugs us. Even Olivia. It's always Elliot who comes to get the warrant, or ask a question. It's been days since I've seen Olivia which is a very nice vacation. McCoy hasn't called Casey, or I up to his office at all, so I guess we're keeping up the professionalism.

Every night I go to sleep thinking about what our future will be like. It's been six months, but I already want to take that next step, and ask her to marry me. I'm scared though. What if it's too soon? It doesn't feel like six months. I feel like I've been with Casey for six years. I can't really remember life before Casey. Not that I'd want to life sucked before Casey.

As Casey sleeps on my chest I can't think of anywhere I'd rather be. She's so peaceful, and cute when she sleeps. I wonder what she dreams about? I dream about her. Sometime all my dreams are are just me looking in her beautiful green eyes. It's the best dream in the world. I don't have anymore nightmares I use to have them all the time, but now they're all replaced with sweet visions of Casey. Instead of waking up having dreamt of being shot, or dragged back into witness protection, I dream of her, and wake up to her. Nothing puts a smile on my face in the morning more than Casey. She thinks I'm weird for it. She thinks she looks scary in the morning, but I think she looks absolutely cute with her sleepy looks, and messy hair. I can't see the rest of my life any other way that waking up to her every morning. She's everything. The sun, the stars. I wake up every morning just to see her, and be able to spend another great day with her. A day without Casey is a pointless day. All my days were idle before I met Casey. The day I walked into my office, and she nervously introduced herself, and called me Madam Cabot was the day I started really living. Everyday before that wasn't anything more than a day closer to meeting her. I really can't imagine another day without her. I think she could be the one. The one I marry, and call my wife.


End file.
